1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-mart.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Cowboys, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Verizon, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
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Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost. -- John Quincy Adams
Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less - Robert E. Lee
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved - Romans 10:13 (KJV)
The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble, and he knoweth them that trust in him - Nahum 1:7 (KJV)
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