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Shadows 
Posted: 10-Aug-2010, 06:48 AM
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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."


--------------------
I support the separation of church and hate!

IMAGINATION - the freest and largest nation in the world!


One can not profess to be of "GOD" and show intolerence and prejudice towards the beliefs of others.

Am fear nach gleidh na h–airm san t–sith, cha bhi iad aige ’n am a’ chogaidh.
He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.

"We're all in this together , in the parking lot between faith and fear" ... O.C.M.S.

“Beasts feed; man eats; only the man of intellect knows how to eat well.”

"Without food we are nothing, without history we are lost." - SHADOWS


Is iomadh duine laghach a mhill an Creideamh.
Religion has spoiled many a good man.

The clan MacEwen
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Posted: 10-Aug-2010, 01:11 PM
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My son crawled for the first time while I was away on exercises. I also missed Harry's first steps and was afraid an upcoming course would cause me to miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always “no” until my wife said Harry had something to say to me. “Daddy, daddy,” I heard over the phone, and glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, “You should come home as soon as possible.” “Why?” I asked. “Harry was speaking to the dog.”

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Posted: 10-Aug-2010, 01:13 PM
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My husband was constantly working on our defective washing machine, and his language was often colorful. One day our daughter returned home from a movie, and we asked if she had learned anything from it. "Only a lot of four-letter words," she told us, "that until now I always thought were parts of our washing machine."

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Posted: 12-Aug-2010, 03:57 AM
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At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.

He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, “Looks like the end of an era!”

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Posted: 12-Aug-2010, 05:51 PM
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legal attorney help
Received from: Lorraine { Readers' Rating: 39.66% } { Total votes: 29 }

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his four landings you liked best."

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Posted: 12-Aug-2010, 05:53 PM
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Aware that he wasn't hearing too well, a man went to an ear doctor. After giving him a thorough examination, the doctor told him that he'd have to give up drinking or risk total deafness. The man left, seemingly inspired by the doctor's admonition. Some months passed. The doctor happened to come out of a shop next to a bar. He stopped as his patient staggered out of the bar. The doctor said, "You'll be as deaf as a post if you don't cut this out."

The patient said, "Tell you the truth, Doc, what I'm drinking is a heck of a lot better than what I'm hearing!"

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Posted: 12-Aug-2010, 05:59 PM
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Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned.

"Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

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Posted: 14-Aug-2010, 03:00 AM
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Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions.

I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

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Shadows 
Posted: 19-Aug-2010, 08:12 AM
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Hollywood Squares


These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.



Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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Posted: 23-Aug-2010, 03:47 AM
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An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: "What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be were you not an Irishman?"

The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of myself!"

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Posted: 23-Aug-2010, 03:50 AM
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First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud.

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."

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Posted: 09-Sep-2010, 10:47 AM
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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

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Posted: 09-Sep-2010, 10:49 AM
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When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"

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Posted: 09-Sep-2010, 10:51 AM
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Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

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Posted: 09-Sep-2010, 11:30 AM
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The Top 18 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your First Week in College

18> "You should really read a little more closely. Brown University is down the road; you applied to and were accepted by *Clown* University."

17> "Hi roomie. Got any Gas-X pills?"

16> "You're Baxter, right? Tell your little sister that the guys from Kappa Sigma say hi!"

15> "What kind of a class time is 'oh-five hundred'?"

14> "I was so wasted last night, I thought your laundry basket was a urinal."

13> "Dude, I signed you up for Saturday morning lab with me!"

12> "Welcome to University of Arizona. Not everyone's paperwork is in order. So up against the wall and drop your pants. Orientation begins NOW!!!"

11> "I think that's vomit."

10> "... and that little thing up in the corner over your bed -- that's the school's new Parental-Check 24/7 Webcam."

9> "Let's get one thing perfectly clear: If this roommate thing is going to work out, you're gonna have to start calling me 'Mister Pickles' just like everyone else."

8> "Try to stay out of range of the clock tower."

7> "If this hanger is on the doorknob, stay out, 'cause my Dungeons & Dragons group is inside."

6> "Sometimes, buddy, I just feel like gettin' pretty."

5> "Wow, you didn't waste any time packing on the freshmen 15!"

4> "We don't like to think of it as a 'dry' campus so much as a 'intensely intellectually focused' one."

3> "Hi, I put up all my posters already and the bookshelf's pretty full of action figures but there's room in the closet next to my Star Fleet uniform for your stuff. You can call me Lieutenant Commander Dougie. Oh, and weekends, I only speak Klingon."

2> "Nyet, nyet, nyet! We're the number one *Communist* Party school, comrade."

1> "Hey, there's that guy in the YouTube goat video!"

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