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Patch 
Posted: 13-Jun-2010, 04:23 AM
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.


P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE..

Slàinte,  

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Patch 
Posted: 13-Jun-2010, 03:18 PM
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Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge... While others just gargle

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Patch 
Posted: 13-Jun-2010, 03:20 PM
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Jack and Danny were discussing a girl from their French class that they had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

They both agreed that they had never met a sweeter girl before, but she was way too naive and trusting.

Jack said, "Listen, for her own good, as her friends, we've got to teach her real quick what's right and what's wrong."

Danny replied, "Agreed Jack. You teach her what's right."

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Patch 
Posted: 13-Jun-2010, 03:21 PM
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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty

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Patch 
Posted: 14-Jun-2010, 04:58 AM
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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Patch 
Posted: 14-Jun-2010, 05:00 AM
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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

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togo 
Posted: 14-Jun-2010, 03:21 PM
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Irish Logic:

A tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat."
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jun-2010, 06:31 AM
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Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

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Patch 
Posted: 18-Jun-2010, 10:46 AM
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An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

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Patch 
Posted: 18-Jun-2010, 03:17 PM
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Stacy is sitting at the bar, talking with her girlfriends about what makes the perfect mate. “The man I marry,” she says, “must be a shining light. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

Lisa, the elderly barmaid, overhears this and says, “Honey, it sounds like you don’t need a man. You need a TV!”

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jun-2010, 02:31 AM
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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

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Patch 
Posted: 21-Jun-2010, 01:06 AM
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One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

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wdorholt 
Posted: 22-Jun-2010, 11:32 PM
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An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."


--------------------
Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 22-Jun-2010, 11:36 PM
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Why is it that "I don't hear well anymore." Becomes "You don't listen." dontgetit.gif


beer_mug.gif


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Hoka Hey!
The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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wdorholt 
Posted: 22-Jun-2010, 11:47 PM
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And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw that and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And Satan created private health insurance ....
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