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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 14-Apr-2010, 03:04 PM
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QUOTE (Shadows @ 14-Apr-2010, 03:42 PM)
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 04:31 PM
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A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog.

As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and barked, for sadness he dropped his ears and whimpered, for violence he growled and bared his teeth. At the end of the film the audience applauded and the dog got up on all paws and barked and wagged his tail.

The man turned to another who appeared to be the dog's owner and said, "Wow, that was a great film, and what an intelligent dog you have there. Frankly, I'm amazed."

"So am I," replied the owner. "He thought the book was terrible."


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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 04:35 PM
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A schoolteacher who had been telling a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus ended with: "And all this happened more than 400 years ago."

A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a moment's thought: "Gee! What a memory you've got."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 04:37 PM
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It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed into bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she said, kissing him on the forehead, "everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 04:37 PM
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A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 04:40 PM
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One morning, I was roaming the aisles of my local supermarket, looking for items on my shopping list and wondering why the graham crackers aren't ever put in the cracker section. In my futile search, I kept running into a guy I'd never seen before. He was wandering up and down the aisles, with an equally lost look on his face. Somewhere between the pasta and sauces, he looked up at me and said, "I can't find a darned thing in this store!"

I knew how he felt, so I asked, "What is it you're looking for?"

"My wife."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:03 PM
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Having just graduated from college, Susan was looking forward to her first day on the job as a market researcher. However, she quit after doing her first interview. Asked whether he thought ignorance and apathy were the greatest problems facing the world today, her subject shrugged and answered, "I don't know and I don't care."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:24 PM
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A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:30 PM
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not step in exhaust."


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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:34 PM
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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:39 PM
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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:41 PM
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The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.

Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:43 PM
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The story went something like this:

Seargeant: When you are scared, what do you do?

Recruit: Keep on fightin'

Seargeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear...what then?

Recruit: Keep on fightn'!

Seargeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?

Recruit: Then I can't see.

Seargeant: Can't see? what school did you come from?

Recruit: Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 05:47 PM
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

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Posted: 21-Apr-2010, 06:09 PM
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An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father of many".

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

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