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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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flora 
Posted: 21-Feb-2010, 08:01 PM
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A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking

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Flora


--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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Camac
Posted: 23-Feb-2010, 11:30 AM
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A three year old was examining his testicle while sitting in the bath.
He asked his Mother " Mommy are these my brains"

"Not yet" she replied.



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Patch 
Posted: 24-Feb-2010, 04:22 PM
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Father O"Riley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O"Riley?

“It is!” “This is the IRS. Can you help us? May be! “Do you know a Ted O’Malley?

“I do. He is a member of our Church.” “Did he donate $5,000 to the church?

“He will.” Father O"Riley replied.

Slàinte,    

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wdorholt 
Posted: 27-Feb-2010, 02:43 AM
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Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.'
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, 'Woof!'
'Stupid dogs!' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato!'


--------------------
Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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wdorholt 
Posted: 27-Feb-2010, 02:50 AM
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A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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Leelee 
Posted: 03-Mar-2010, 09:46 AM
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I had a flat tire yesterday, so I got out of the car and opened the trunk..

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

Cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Traffic starts backing up. Everybody is honking their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.' laugh.gif


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Mar-2010, 06:51 PM
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A woman getting her hair cut asked the hairdresser when would be the best time to bring in her two-year-old son for his first haircut. The hairdresser replied: "When he's four."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Mar-2010, 06:55 PM
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"Sometimes," complained the presidential aide, "I wish we had a pope instead of a president. Then we'd only have to kiss his ring."

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Mar-2010, 07:02 PM
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One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.

"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."

"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Mar-2010, 07:03 PM
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A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

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wdorholt 
Posted: 04-Mar-2010, 12:52 AM
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Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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nbailey 
Posted: 06-Mar-2010, 12:30 AM
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little  ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The boy was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck,"' the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the boy replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.  The boy had tied the wagon to his dog's collar AND to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
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Patch 
Posted: 10-Mar-2010, 12:01 PM
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Slàinte,    

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wdorholt 
Posted: 11-Mar-2010, 01:15 AM
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Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his brown suit and Mike's wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his help. The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their heads"
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Patch 
Posted: 11-Mar-2010, 01:55 AM
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John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Slàinte,    

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