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Leelee 
Posted: 16-Jan-2010, 08:30 PM
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Random Thoughts for the Day


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing's worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Leelee 
Posted: 16-Jan-2010, 08:39 PM
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Ten Thoughts as we exit 2009


Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Last Thought For 2009

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow
>
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wdorholt 
Posted: 17-Jan-2010, 05:15 AM
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Great posts Leelee!

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.


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Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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McRoach 
Posted: 22-Jan-2010, 03:44 PM
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One day, as he was opening his shop, a very kind and generous barber was feeling all the more kind and generous- perhaps because it was nearing the Thanksgiving holiday, and he had much for which to be grateful.
The first customer to enter the shop for a hair cut was a local baker. The barber, wanting to express his gratefulness, decided to give the baker a free haircut. The next morning, when the barber came to work, he found a dozen freshly baked doughnuts on his doorstep, with a note of gratitude to the barber.

This really encouraged the barber, and made him even more grateful for life than he was the day before. In fact, he was so grateful that he decided to give the first customer of the day a free hair cut and a free donut also. Soon his first customer did arrive: a local florist. The florist was delighted with the free service and immensely enjoyed the doughnut.

The next morning, when the barber came to work, he found a dozen fresh roses on his doorstep, with a note of gratitude from the florist. This really encouraged the barber, and made him even more grateful about life than he was the previous day, or even the day prior to the previous day. In fact, he was so grateful and overjoyed about his good fortune, that he decided to give another free haircut to whoever might be the first customer of the day.

Soon a local pastor came in, and since this was the first customer, the barber gave him a free hair cut, as well as a rose to take home for his wife. The pastor was delighted with the service, and thanked the barber profusely. That night, as the barber closed his shop, he wondered what good fortune might befall upon him the next day.

The next morning, when the barber came to work, he found a dozen preachers on his doorstep.



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"May those who love us, love us. And those who hate us, may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping."
-Celtic Proverbs



Grateful am I to have a sword in which to defend myself at all times, blessed am I for the days I need not use it.


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Camac
Posted: 26-Jan-2010, 09:43 AM
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My youngest daughter Shannon just sent this to me.

Address To A Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer bellie efter the feastie
As ye sit doon wi yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win

The neeps an tatties an mushy peas
Stert working like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin'wi the sonsie face
Will hae ye blawin' a ower the place

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leaking air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
And pray tae Heaven it disna reek

But awe yer efforts gan asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroond the room
Michty me a sonic boom

Wis him I shout wi accusin glower
Alas too late he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinna feel welcome any mair

Where ere ye be let yer win gan free
Sounds like just the job fer me
Whit a fuss tae make at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o just one wee farty.



Camac


(PS it's no my poem.)
               
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 26-Jan-2010, 09:52 PM
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But a muckle GRAN' poem it be! biggrin.gif


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The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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Camac
Posted: 27-Jan-2010, 09:05 AM
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Dogshirt;

My youngest daughter sent it to me thinking it would give me a chuckle. Well it took me 20 minuets to read it because I started laughing and couldn't stop. Nigh peed me nickers.


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 27-Jan-2010, 09:55 PM
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Same here. I work construction, and we are a bit of a crude group. Tend to let it fly so to speak. BUT, we have an unwritten rule, if you've got IT bad, let the guys know and we'll all work UPWIND! biggrin.gif


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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jan-2010, 04:55 PM
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Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room. “I feel like a new man!” “I do, too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”

Slàinte,    

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wdorholt 
Posted: 31-Jan-2010, 01:59 AM
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An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'
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Patch 
Posted: 31-Jan-2010, 01:49 PM
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A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON

THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE

A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED..

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,

30 GRANDCHILDREN,

45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN,

25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 31-Jan-2010, 04:53 PM
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At a solemn memorial service for a pipe band drummer, the piper approached the casket preparing to play. Just as he blew up his bag and prepared to strike in, the funeral director rushed up to the casket, hands in air, crying, "Stop, stop!"

The funeral director then gently closed the casket and, turning to the astonished piper, said, "Now you can play. The drummer gave specific instructions that the casket lid had to be closed before you started."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 08-Feb-2010, 12:26 PM
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An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."

The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!"

"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!"

The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him.

As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says, "He's a Protestant now."

Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"

"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend, "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of 'them' than one of 'us'."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 10-Feb-2010, 06:13 AM
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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."


Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 10-Feb-2010, 06:35 PM
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During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of 7 million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we are lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decide to lower all the highways.”

Slàinte,    

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