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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:16 PM
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:17 PM
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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Slàinte,    

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Donajhi 
Posted: 04-Jan-2010, 12:05 PM
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OMG...how funny, thanks....... w00t1.gif w00t2.gif


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"I DID NOT, IT WAS THE FAIRY FOLK!"

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DIOGENES HAS PASSED ME THE LANTERN, STILL LOOKING.....
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Leelee 
Posted: 08-Jan-2010, 11:32 PM
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During a recent password security audit, it was found that a blonde, working
or the government, was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be
at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. sleep.gif


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Leelee 
  Posted: 08-Jan-2010, 11:35 PM
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THIS IS THE MOST INSPIRATIONAL PIECE OF ADVICE
THAT I CAN GIVE FOR THE FESTIVE SEASON


I think you should quit drinking.....

I think you should shut the F@#! up.... tongue.gif
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Leelee 
  Posted: 08-Jan-2010, 11:37 PM
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A young guy from Manitoba moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Manitoba.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
'Just one' says the kid.

The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The kid says $101,237.65'.

The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'

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wdorholt 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 02:11 AM
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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus
was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery
and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up
from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's
to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who
the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned
old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm
married to yer sister."


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Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 09:03 PM
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Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 09:05 PM
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Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. Pat turned to Kieran said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"

Kieran replied, "Two rattlesnakes!"

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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 09:06 PM
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Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The local priest met him one day and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget, if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 09:08 PM
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Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

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englishmix 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 09:13 PM
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Oooohhhh. Foul! Give me another pint, laddie!
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wdorholt 
Posted: 09-Jan-2010, 11:12 PM
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A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...

'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'

That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep. He
watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.

Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'
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Patch 
Posted: 10-Jan-2010, 11:55 AM
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A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lady here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do?"

The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy!"

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Patch 
Posted: 14-Jan-2010, 06:02 PM
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A young Irish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mother, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Mother, guess which one I'm going to marry?" She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Mother. You're right. How did you know?" His mother replies, "I don't like her."

Slàinte,    

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