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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Madadh 
Posted: 23-Dec-2009, 05:50 AM
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So flora,

Do you want to come to my dog house and share a cask of mead ?




bad dog.....bad dog


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Céad Mile Fáilte


May God hold you in the hallows of his hands



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flora 
Posted: 23-Dec-2009, 10:58 AM
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lol.gif cheers.gif

Flora


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"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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Leelee 
Posted: 26-Dec-2009, 10:40 AM
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


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Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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wdorholt 
Posted: 29-Dec-2009, 11:52 PM
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Time for a New Year's Joke

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!


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Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:28 PM
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"New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
(Mark Twain)

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:30 PM
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An actor walked into a decrepit restaurant for a quick cup of coffee. He noticed another actor busing dishes. "My God," the first actor said, "what is this? A man with your talent, slaving in a greasy spoon like this?"

The other actor retorted, "At least I don't eat here!"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:34 PM
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Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch. In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything. As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver. After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand.

"Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:36 PM
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After Laura was pulled over for speeding, she told her four-year- old daughter Olivia, "That was not a good thing that Mommy did. I was going too fast, and that's why the policeman gave me a ticket." "What's the ticket mean?" Olivia asked, Laura replied, "It means I have to pay a lot of money as a punishment." The little girl then asked, "Why didn't he just spank you instead?"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:42 PM
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A chief executive of a major company was scheduled to address an important convention, so he asked the press officer to write him a punchy, twenty-minute speech. But when the chief executive returned from the convention, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech." he raged at the press officer. "Most of the audience walked out before I was even halfway through!"

The press officer was mystified. "I wrote you a twenty-minute speech," he said. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:45 PM
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My cousin, a nurse related a similar incident in her training in the 50's

"I remember my first week in the "Preliminary Nursing Course" as it used to be called in the days of hospital training way back when. We were to go to the wards to do the sponge baths. The educator for our group took us outside and said, "Now all you nurses who have never seen a naked man stand on my right side, those who have seen a naked man stand on my left."

Twelve young seventeen-year-olds paled as we looked into each other's eyes. What to admit to?

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 12:57 PM
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An Indian official came to Washington to plead his tribe's cause. It wanted the right to handle all of its own affairs. The head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs said, "It would be criminal to hand over those rights. Indians aren't smart enough to manage their property."

"Sir, do you think I wouldn't have that much brains?" I'm talking about the average Indian. You were sent here because you were the smartest man."

The Indian said, "I'm just an average Indian sir. We Indians are like the rest of the people of the United States, we never send our smartest men to Washington!"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:05 PM
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A vicar, notorious for his lengthy sermons, watched as a man got up and left halfway through his message. The same man returned just before the finish. Afterwards the vicar asked him where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," said the man.

"Why didn't you do that before the service?" asked the vicar.

"I didn't need one then!"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:13 PM
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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:14 PM
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jan-2010, 01:15 PM
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

Slàinte,    

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