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Patch 
Posted: 26-Sep-2009, 03:22 PM
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A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

Slàinte,    

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flora 
Posted: 26-Sep-2009, 07:34 PM
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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Flora


--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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Leelee 
Posted: 29-Sep-2009, 09:06 AM
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Hi all,

Please take note!!

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

PS. . . And if you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in women and can result in bad cases of eye-rolling developing in their partners.


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Oct-2009, 03:40 PM
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A couple was lying in bed and the husband said to his wife "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The wife replied "I'll miss you."

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Leelee 
Posted: 15-Oct-2009, 12:05 PM
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend”.

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
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Patch 
Posted: 15-Oct-2009, 04:14 PM
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That was a good one!!

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Oct-2009, 03:59 PM
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Two guys, one a senior and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says. “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter…….let’s look for yours.”

Slàinte,    

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wdorholt 
Posted: 28-Oct-2009, 03:02 AM
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An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logan airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'




--------------------
Is beannaithe iad a shantaíonn an ceartas
(Blessed are those who desire justice)
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wdorholt 
Posted: 28-Oct-2009, 03:03 AM
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Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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wdorholt 
Posted: 28-Oct-2009, 03:13 AM
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'

'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'

Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'

'What was his name?' asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'
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Leelee 
Posted: 29-Oct-2009, 11:37 AM
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Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'
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Leelee 
Posted: 29-Oct-2009, 11:52 AM
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:

Butt-hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny broad to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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Leelee 
Posted: 02-Nov-2009, 12:01 PM
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Bubba Had Shingles


Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor..

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Nov-2009, 04:14 PM
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At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"

"No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anesthetic."

He arrived early.

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Nov-2009, 04:15 PM
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To a man who proudly said, "My ancestors came over on the Mayflower," Will Rogers retorted, "My ancestors were waiting on the beach."

Slàinte,    

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