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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2009, 07:42 PM
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I wonder what goes through our dog's mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2009, 07:44 PM
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This was listed under jokes but it is SAD!!

According to Department of Justice figures, 30,000 inmate lawsuits were filed last year (added to heavy backlogs, more than 28,000 inmate lawsuits in New York alone) against prison officials for "civil rights" violations, the vast majority described by judges and court officials as frivolous.

Among the lawsuits were those prisoners complaining that the prison canteen supplied "creamy" peanut butter when a prisoner wanted "crunchy;" that guards wouldn't refrigerate an ice cream snack so that a prisoner could eat it later ($1 million lawsuit); that a toilet seat was too cold; that, an inmate-paralegal in the prison law library should make the same wages that lawyers make; that prisons should offer salad bars ($129 million); that a limit on the number of Kool-Aid refills is "cruel and unusual punishment;" and that the scrambled eggs were cooked too hard.

In New York, 20 percent of the entire budget of the Attorney General's office is spent on prisoner lawsuits.

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2009, 07:47 PM
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Talk about embarrassing!

The World's Worst Juror (from "Book of Heroic Failures", by Stephen Pile)

It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court on an unusually warm and sultry day. One of the jurors fell asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecuting counsel. "Would you," he asked, "tell the court precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"

"No, she would not." she said. "It was far too crude and shocking."

"Would you be prepared to write it down?" And she did, with every sign of distaste, and the paper was passed to the judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the court, and the jury.

In the second row, our hero slumbered on until he was suddenly awakened by a sharp nudge from the smiling brunette next to him. She passed the note to him. He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbor, read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in his pocket.

When the judge demanded the note back, the juror refused. It was, he said, a private matter.

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2009, 07:50 PM
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I hope this was not someone's defense attorney!

Courtroom Q &A

Q: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?

A: Yes.

Q: And these same stairs, did they also go up?

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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 21-Jul-2009, 08:56 PM
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One day
God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was
going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving
and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel
to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is
in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good..'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he
wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep
going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.





--------------------
Unavoidably Detained by the World

"Irishness is not primary a question of birth or blood or language; it is the condition on being involved in the Irish situation, and usually of being mauled by it."-Conor Cruise O'Brien

Pour mouth to mouth
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Faerydreamer 
Posted: 21-Jul-2009, 11:19 PM
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There was a farmer whose wife was known as not being the brightest person around. One day, he was having the vet come by to artificially inseminate one of his cows. He could not be there because he had to tend to the fields. He told his wife that he would put a nail in the door of the stall that the cow to be inseminated was in.

The vet showed up and the wife took him out to the barn.

She said, "that they had to find the stall with the nail in it." and they did.

The vet asked, "What is the nail in the door for?"

"I guess it is for you to hang your pants on."


--------------------
Lady Faerydreamer

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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 26-Jul-2009, 10:24 PM
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. "Perhaps if we should start washing your clothes in "Slim fast". maybe it will take a few inches off your bottom!"
His wife was not amused and decided that she simply could not let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Dear', he hollered into the bathroom. 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; its 'Miracle Grow'!!!
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Patch 
Posted: 27-Jul-2009, 10:58 AM
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................. Orange



Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'spit them out!! They're a$$holes!'

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flora 
Posted: 27-Jul-2009, 11:40 AM
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day! biggrin.gif

Flora



--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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Patch 
Posted: 27-Jul-2009, 10:55 PM
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling
a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"


The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.

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Patch 
Posted: 30-Jul-2009, 02:41 PM
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Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Obama strides
to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six
white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .
The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use
handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their
best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama. " President please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a
Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you
mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."

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flora 
Posted: 02-Aug-2009, 07:32 PM
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Subject: Zen Teachings


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow. In fact, just go off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13.... Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that
comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women....
Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night

Made you smile!!!!

Flora
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flora 
Posted: 02-Aug-2009, 07:53 PM
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MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012


Very eloquently put..don't you think?

Maxine on 'Driver Safety' 'I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.'.........

Maxine on 'Housework' 'I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.'

Maxine on 'Lawn Care' 'The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.'

Maxine on 'The Perfect Man' 'All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.'

Maxine on 'Technology Revolution' 'My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.'

Maxine on 'Aging' 'Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.'

'The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and funerals.'

'The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.'

'To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.'

'Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies
running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!)'

'Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.'

'After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.'


Flora
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gtrplr 
Posted: 07-Aug-2009, 01:56 PM
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws.

Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me,” announces Cavan.

He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door.

Sean's wife Plenty answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” snarls Plenty.

“I’ll go tell him,” says Cavan.


--------------------
Randal Smith alias Smitty the Kid
Wielder of the Six-String Claymore!

"We have enough Youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?"
"When the going gets tough, the smart go fishing!"


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Patch 
Posted: 07-Aug-2009, 08:06 PM
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A lady with a hearing problem goes to confession. The priest asked her to speak more quietly, since everyone in the church could hear her and even suggested for her to write down what she had to say in advance. At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of paper to the priest. He looked at it and said, “What is this” It looks like a grocery list.” “Mother of God!” said the lady. “I must have left my sins at the Market!”

Slàinte,    

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