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Dogshirt 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 10:49 PM
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I have things going back abiut that far, but since we have moved since then I just crossed them off the list! wink.gif




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The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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Leelee 
Posted: 26-Jun-2009, 11:53 AM
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Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troubles


Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Leelee 
Posted: 27-Jun-2009, 10:29 AM
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A Cubicle Conundrum: The Downside of Working in a Cube


* Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

* That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

* If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.
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XenaWarrior 
Posted: 27-Jun-2009, 01:01 PM
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Boasting Pirate


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

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karenrah 
Posted: 29-Jun-2009, 08:09 PM
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Try to remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares even less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip


to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the

hairdresser, who responded, ' Rome ? Why would anyone want to go

there? It's horribly expensive, terribly overcrowded and awfully

dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' she replied, 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible

airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude

and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'

'We're going to stay at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's

Tiber River called 'Teste'.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place! Everybody thinks it's

going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump;

the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is

surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and hopefully see the Pope.'

'That's rich!' laughed the hairdresser. 'You, and a //million//

other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Bless your heart . . . it really sounds as if it's going to be a

miserable trip.'

A month later, the woman again came into the hairdresser's shop. The

hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

'It was wonderful!' exclaimed the woman. 'Not only was the flight on

time; we were on one of Continental's brand new 777's. As luck

would have it, coach was overbooked so they bumped us up to Business

First. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

handsome steward named Joe-Dan who waited on me hand and foot. Then

we got to the hotel, and it was was great! They'd just finished a $5

million restoration and now it's a jewel; the finest hotel in the

city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us

their owner's suite at no extra charge!

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I

know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a

Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope

likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step

into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door

and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh really? What did he say?'

He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty haircut?'
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Leelee 
Posted: 30-Jun-2009, 05:25 PM
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Special Dictionary


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
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Patch 
Posted: 13-Jul-2009, 07:46 AM
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Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence had been noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door, and being that she's nearly 85, it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith," he answered.

"OH Hi -- Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" she said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better."

Just then, the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader's Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then, Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh, I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything."

The pastor, feeling a little embarrassed, said, "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me," he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's OK, anymore all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    
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Leelee 
  Posted: 13-Jul-2009, 10:23 AM
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laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif Good one, Patch!! biggrin.gif

The Blonde and the Lord


A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen maybe 20 books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blond, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
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gtrplr 
Posted: 13-Jul-2009, 09:23 PM
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Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different parts of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says,
"Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads;
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads,
"I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico .."


--------------------
Randal Smith alias Smitty the Kid
Wielder of the Six-String Claymore!

"We have enough Youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?"
"When the going gets tough, the smart go fishing!"


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Patch 
Posted: 14-Jul-2009, 08:58 AM
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A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform," went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"

The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work."

The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?"

The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child, telling him that it was also part of his uniform.

On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him, "Do you know what these words say?"

The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do."

The priest, a little taken aback, then replied, "OK then, tell me what they say."

The little boy then replied, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    
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flora 
Posted: 14-Jul-2009, 08:10 PM
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
party..

Jack is not normally a big drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner
tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.
what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS


--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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flora 
Posted: 14-Jul-2009, 08:11 PM
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A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .... …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .... ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .... . . . ..
..... . .... ... ..... .... ...
. ..... .... .... ..... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ....
....... .... .... ... .. .... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

I nearly cried when Stevie added, “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . ..... .....”

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flora 
Posted: 14-Jul-2009, 08:12 PM
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The Lord and The Harley Rider

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish...'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2009, 10:24 AM
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Slàinte,   

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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2009, 03:35 PM
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An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Slàinte,    

Patch    
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