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Patch 
Posted: 19-Mar-2009, 10:40 AM
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Mar-2009, 07:32 AM
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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Mar-2009, 11:19 AM
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Letter to the Bank


Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds,"

in view of current developments in the banking industry,

does that refer to me or to you?


Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 24-Mar-2009, 01:25 PM
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I'm off it for lent!

Slàinte,    

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Harlot 
Posted: 25-Mar-2009, 10:03 AM
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The Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation -- no one wanted him to leave.

Soren, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every two years, and his wife with a Chevy minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Not to be outdone, his brother Magnus, who owns several rental houses in town, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll let him and his family stay rent free in one of my rental houses, right down the block!"

More sighs and loud applause. Lena, now age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence until finally the Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Lena, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Lena's 90-year-old husband, Ole, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side. Lena smiles broadly and replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the preacher!'


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The Boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best Shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends and the other begins

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Camac
Posted: 25-Mar-2009, 10:21 AM
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Patch;

Two Newfies were sitting around having a beer when one turned to the other and asked" If I was to go to your house right now, make love to your wife and get her pregnant when she has the kid would that make us realtives?" The other thought for a minute then said " Well now I don't know if would make us relative but it would make us even".

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Patch 
Posted: 25-Mar-2009, 07:14 PM
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Peter attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Peter asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Peter, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."




We'd finished our rehearsal, and the members of my singing group were hanging out, discussing what makes a geek. One guy offered, "We're all sort of geeks because we're seldom at a loss for answers."

"I disagree: Having a solid command of a large body of information does not a geek make," I argued.

"Maybe not," said my friend Peter, "but putting verbs at the end of a sentence does."

Slàinte,    

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Harlot 
Posted: 26-Mar-2009, 04:42 PM
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Two men dressed in pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”
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Harlot 
Posted: 26-Mar-2009, 04:43 PM
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and widthwise, it couldn't have been much bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost
fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later, she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 26-Mar-2009, 07:55 PM
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QUOTE (Harlot @ 26-Mar-2009, 04:43 PM)
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and widthwise, it couldn't have been much bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost
fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later, she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif Oh!man that's hilarious!!!! A good laugh that's exactly what I needed today...(still laughing to tears) lol.gif lol.gif sorry I have a vivid imagination!!!

Thanks Harlot that was a good one.

LOA lol.gif


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"Few men are brave:many become so through training and discipline."
Flavius Vegetius Renatus

"I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strenght to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
Christopher Reeve
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Camac
Posted: 27-Mar-2009, 09:20 AM
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Upon hearing of the death of her Grandfather,the Granddaughter immediately went to her Grandmothers house to comfort her. Sitting in the livingroom have a cup ot tea the granddaughter asked how Grampa died. The Grandmother said "oh he died of a heart attack on Sunday morning while we were having sex. Well the Granddaughter became a bit upset and scolded her Grandmother saying" that people who are 95 are really asking for trouble having sex at their age. The Grandmother replied " Oh no dear you see long ago we realized that the best time to have sex was on Sunday morning when the Church Bells were ringing. It was the perfect rhythum nice and slow. In on the Ding and out on the Dong. With that the Grandmother broke into tear angerly saying "He'd still be alive if that F@#>*&% Ice Cream van hadn't come along".


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flora 
Posted: 27-Mar-2009, 06:00 PM
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Subject: Women's Health alert

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

* Do you suffer from shyness?

* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to
feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything..

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Loss of bladder control
- Attraction to ugly men
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing..

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

*Margaritas are also available in generic form, known as tequila. Just
as effective at only a fraction of the cost




--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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Harlot 
Posted: 27-Mar-2009, 06:07 PM
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lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif Where is the nearest store must get some lol.gif lol.gif
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Shadows 
Posted: 28-Mar-2009, 07:33 AM
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Words of Wisdom Indeed!

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


--------------------
I support the separation of church and hate!

IMAGINATION - the freest and largest nation in the world!


One can not profess to be of "GOD" and show intolerence and prejudice towards the beliefs of others.

Am fear nach gleidh na h–airm san t–sith, cha bhi iad aige ’n am a’ chogaidh.
He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.

"We're all in this together , in the parking lot between faith and fear" ... O.C.M.S.

“Beasts feed; man eats; only the man of intellect knows how to eat well.”

"Without food we are nothing, without history we are lost." - SHADOWS


Is iomadh duine laghach a mhill an Creideamh.
Religion has spoiled many a good man.

The clan MacEwen
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Leelee 
Posted: 28-Mar-2009, 12:04 PM
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Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better? biggrin.gif



--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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