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Leelee 
Posted: 07-Sep-2008, 09:39 PM
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Feminists


A feminist gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man stands up to give her his seat. "Patronizing old fool," she mutters as she pushes him back down. A minute later another woman gets on and the old man rises to his feet once more. "Male chauvinist pig," seethes the feminist as she pushes him back down again. The bus stops again, more women get on, and one more the little old man attempts to stand up. "You're living in the Stone Age," hisses the feminist as she pushes him down. "For God's sake!" wails the little old man. "Will you let me get off? I've missed three stops already!"


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Gillian 
Posted: 08-Sep-2008, 08:35 AM
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Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.


--------------------
“The follies which a man regrets most in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.”
- Helen Rowland
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Patch 
Posted: 08-Sep-2008, 08:57 AM
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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Slàinte,    

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Leelee 
Posted: 08-Sep-2008, 02:25 PM
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BLONDE PAINTER
> >


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint..
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'

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Gillian 
Posted: 09-Sep-2008, 07:18 AM
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A Loving Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Leelee 
Posted: 09-Sep-2008, 10:19 AM
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Don't Drink & Drive


A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cries out…"Oh hang on. I'm in the back seat."
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Gillian 
Posted: 09-Sep-2008, 08:57 PM
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 10-Sep-2008, 10:05 AM
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PUNS alert!


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'



12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



18. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!




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Patch 
Posted: 11-Sep-2008, 11:05 AM
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Polar bears, with Sarah Palin inside one of them
Security guards and fellow-hunters out for a day's sport along with Alaska
Governor Sarah Palin watched in helpless horror yesterday afternoon as a
large polar bear (Ursus maritimus) suddenly emerged from the trees, gobbled
up the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate in one bite, dashed back into
the forest, and escaped before anyone could do anything about it.

And today, the whole of Alaska and half of the rest of the country is in
shock.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Greenpeace, Friends of the
Earth, and Al Gore, have all firmly denied sicking the animal onto Mrs Palin
in retaliation for her hunting proclivities, her opposition to 'endangered'
status for polar bears, and her skepticism about the human origins of global
warming.

'Bears are highly intelligent,' explained a Greenpeace spokesperson, 'and it
seems that this one acted on his own initiative.'

Despite this setback, John McCain, determined to keep the momentum of the
race for the White House, has placed the following advertisement in all
major newspapers and TV stations and on the internet:

'WANTED. Glamorous, youngish, reactionary female to run for Vice President
of the United States on Republican ticket. Must be a friend to wildlife (we
don't want any more nasty accidents)', and volunteers at Republican
headquarters are already busy sifting through the replies that are pouring
in.

After three days, from a shortlist of 10, the candidate will be selected by
means of a beauty contest in which each finalist must (1) model a bikini, an
evening dress, and a power suit, (2) show that she can read and write, and
(3) provide a few heartwarming family scandals that nobody really minds, but
which can keep the party in the public eye and journalists and pundits
gainfully occupied until November 4.

Meanwhile, a claim by one stunned witness to yesterday's tragedy, namely
that the fleeing bear's stomach was heard crying shrilly, 'Endangered, my
ass! You'll regret this, you fat frozen fuzzball!'

At first this was dismissed as the product of post-traumatic stress, but
later the bear was witnessed taking a dump and he was seen to produced a
worse-for-wear Palin. The steaming VP candidate then kicked the beast with
her high-heeled boots, before making a run for it.

The bear is considering suing for damages.

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 11-Sep-2008, 05:36 PM
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Went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether
sure that Course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had Prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented you're Definitely going to $h!t
yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, a bit hot to The point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from Me
that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks
WILL fall Off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that
morning, and even after two Cups of coffee (and all of you
know what I mean) nothing happened. No' Watson 's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
Through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning Symphony referred to by my next door neighbors
as 'thunder and Lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just When, I bravely set off for the market, a local
Wal-Mart grocery store That I often haunt in search of tasty
tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart And began pushing it about dropping items in
for purchase. It wasn't Until I was at the opposite end
of the store from the restrooms that The pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
I'm talking about. I'm Referring to that 'Uh oh,
gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us
At the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The Habaneras in the chili fro m the night before were
staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through
the small Intestines, forcing their way into the large
intestines, and before I
Could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
would Bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped In a noxious cloud the likes of which has
never before been recorded.I was afraid to move for fear
that more of this vile odor might escape Me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part Of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just
as an Elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what
made me do it, but I Stopped to see what her Reaction would
be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to Relate. I could've warned that
poor woman but didn't. I simply watched As she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall Of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her
senses And running, was to stand there blinking and waving
her arms about her Head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me Feel terrible, but then made
me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped Down, if you know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive Issue burst forth from my nether
region. Some were so loud and echoing That I was later told
a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing That someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly
Things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I
raced off through The store towards the restrooms, laying
down a cloud the whole way,Praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, beganThe inevitable 'Oh my God', floating
above the toilet seat because my Ass is burning SO BAD,
purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was In the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He
made Gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!', then quickly Left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart Intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached Me and said, 'Sir, you might
want to step outside for a few minutes.It appears some
prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The Manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two Which
ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling
his shirt up to cover His nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran
off returning moments later with the manager. I
wasUnceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly Not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there
was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two
more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Macys. I
can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
have to repaint the store.

Slàinte,    

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Gillian 
Posted: 11-Sep-2008, 08:40 PM
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e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

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Leelee 
Posted: 12-Sep-2008, 06:55 AM
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Passing an Exam



Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

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Patch 
Posted: 14-Sep-2008, 09:32 PM
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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK.....

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'George Bush'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. NOW... empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'George Bush?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD

Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney!


Slàinte,    

Patch    


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Gillian 
Posted: 18-Sep-2008, 01:11 PM
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
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Patch 
Posted: 22-Sep-2008, 08:50 AM
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Haggling
One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realised that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."

The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar."

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

Slàinte,    

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