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Patch 
Posted: 18-Aug-2008, 01:59 PM
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A Kentucky Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Kentucky to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish!'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass. Show him your card!!

Slàinte,  

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 08:19 AM
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A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish.

"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.


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Patch 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 08:31 AM
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Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, As the
princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine & onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:
"I don't think so!"

Slàinte,    

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Leelee 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 11:07 AM
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A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide Dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR and A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Leelee 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 11:10 AM
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Vancouver and park themselves on a bar
stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the
hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries t o make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England !' says the bartender. ' Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British food or the beer,' says John. Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
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Patch 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 11:14 AM
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 11:15 AM
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QUOTE (Leelee @ 19-Aug-2008, 12:10 PM)
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Vancouver and park themselves on a bar
stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the
hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries t o make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England !' says the bartender. ' Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British food or the beer,' says John. Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Those were good!!

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Leelee 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 11:18 AM
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Thank you kindly, Patch smile.gif
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Patch 
Posted: 19-Aug-2008, 12:07 PM
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" “That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me: Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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Leelee 
Posted: 20-Aug-2008, 09:58 AM
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" " Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

OUCH!!! ohmy.gif
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 20-Aug-2008, 08:47 PM
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The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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Patch 
Posted: 21-Aug-2008, 07:42 AM
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4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

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Patch 
Posted: 21-Aug-2008, 02:02 PM
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Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them. "And I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! PLEEASE! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place...first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away...laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement, and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with what I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains." said God.


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Harlot 
Posted: 22-Aug-2008, 07:09 AM
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An Irish daughter had not been home for 5 years. Upon her return,her fathe cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thur?

The girl, crying, replied,"Sniff,sniff...Dad...I become a prostitute"

Ye what!!? Out of here,ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family"

Ok Dad--as ye wish. I just came back to mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to ten bedroom mansin plus a $5 million savings certifcate. For me little brother,this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited editon convertible thats parked outside plus a membership to the country club...........(takes a breath)...... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.....

Now what it ye had become? says Dad.

Girl, crying again,"Sniff,sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,sniff.

Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.


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Hopes are towers in the skies Dreams are wings taking flight

The Boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best Shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends and the other begins

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Patch 
Posted: 22-Aug-2008, 09:09 AM
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King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?


What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story? Scroll down

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....> Things are going to get ugly


Slàinte,    

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