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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Leelee 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 03:53 PM
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I hope no one takes offense to this one....


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

“Hello”.

“Mrs. Sanders, please”.

“Speaking”.

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good”.

“What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously”.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which”.

“That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time”.

“Well, what am I supposed to do now”?

“The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him”.


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Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 04:03 PM
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Thank you

Slàinte,    

Patch    
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 04:09 PM
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I believe one has to find humor in any thing they possibly can. We will only walk this path once and humor is an important part of the journey!


Slàinte,    

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Leelee 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 08:59 PM
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QUOTE
I believe one has to find humor in any thing they possibly can. We will only walk this path once and humor is an important part of the journey!


I totally agree with ye, Patch. If we didn't have humour in our lives, it would sure be a bummer. Jokes on this post give me a lift when I am having a hard day. Thanks again biggrin.gif thumbs_up.gif
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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 11:07 AM
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Family Tree


Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
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Camac
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 11:24 AM
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Patch;

Did you write that. Its great.


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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 11:56 AM
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QUOTE (Camac @ 19-Jul-2008, 05:24 AM)
Patch;

Did you write that. Its great.


Camac.

No, it was "author unknown." I played with the idea on a boring day in school many years ago but didn't get that far.

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 03:04 PM
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."

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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 05:12 PM
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QUOTE (Patch @ 19-Jul-2008, 04:04 PM)
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."


Just how many sisters does he have? I know at least one more. rolleyes.gif


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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jul-2008, 06:35 PM
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I was engaged to one for a while.

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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2008, 04:31 AM
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Here is a politically incorrect Catholic joke. (my family is about evenly split between the two)

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 20-Jul-2008, 07:49 AM
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Now that Phil Gramm has resigned and the controversy surrounding him is dying down, I can ask the question that has bedeviled me for a while now. Since Phil Gramm was born in Georgia, does that make him a Gramm cracker?
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Patch 
Posted: 20-Jul-2008, 11:30 AM
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QUOTE (TheCarolinaScotsman @ 20-Jul-2008, 01:49 AM)
Now that Phil Gramm has resigned and the controversy surrounding him is dying down, I can ask the question that has bedeviled me for a while now. Since Phil Gramm was born in Georgia, does that make him a Gramm cracker?

I never thought of that but I guess you are right!

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Patch 
Posted: 21-Jul-2008, 07:32 AM
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77-year-old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.

Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife.

"Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof * the light goes off?'"

Becky replied, "The darn fool!.... He's peeing in the fridge again!"


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Leelee 
Posted: 21-Jul-2008, 09:00 AM
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QUOTE
77-year-old Morris


lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif clap.gif Another good one, Patch biggrin.gif
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