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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jul-2008, 01:58 PM
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Your Tax Dollars
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes.


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Leelee 
Posted: 09-Jul-2008, 10:13 PM
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Fun Stuff To Do In The Elevator


Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering. 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!'

Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare and grin at another passenger for a while. Finally announce, 'I've got new socks on!'

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter, 'Gotta go, gotta go.' Eventually sigh and say 'Oops!'

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Enter the elevator with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'You're one of them!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

Proudly say 'Ding!' at each floor.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space'.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'

Announce in a demonic voice, 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

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Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 10-Jul-2008, 03:30 PM
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Those are great. I may try a few of them!

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Leelee 
Posted: 10-Jul-2008, 04:18 PM
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Those are great. I may try a few of them!


My girlfriend & I have years ago (silly Lasses) before this joke came even came out:

....Got enough Air?? unsure.gif
.....Your one of them.... fear.gif & got off on the next floor


Hilarious....but one can't be serious all the time rolleyes.gif
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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jul-2008, 08:01 AM
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QUOTE (Leelee @ 10-Jul-2008, 10:18 AM)

My girlfriend & I have years ago (silly Lasses) before this joke came even came out:

....Got enough Air?? unsure.gif
.....Your one of them.... fear.gif & got off on the next floor


Hilarious....but one can't be serious all the time rolleyes.gif

I believe the "sense of humor" is our most important sense.




Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."


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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jul-2008, 08:19 AM
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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


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Patch 
Posted: 12-Jul-2008, 06:01 PM
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SAD/FUNNY? You decide!

Employees at St. Luke's Cornwall Hospital in New York State have little choice but to use alternative medicine. "Alternative medicine" in this instance being the hospital 45 minutes away because St. Luke's Cornwall Hospital will no longer accept the St. Luke's Cornwall Hospital employee Health Insurance plan.

“It’s insulting to work at a hospital you can’t get sick in,” says one employee.

The union says the hospital is being spiteful. The hospital says the insurance company sucks. The employees say, well, apparently it doesn't matter what the employees say...

Times Herald-Record (Hudson Valley, NY) 07-Jul-08

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Patch 
Posted: 12-Jul-2008, 09:43 PM
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Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny 'that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately.

He went into the tent and said, "The Lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie; Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

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Patch 
Posted: 15-Jul-2008, 08:08 AM
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Dentists
The Lambert's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr Lambert made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr Lambert turned to his wife Jenny: "Show him your tooth, Honey."

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Patch 
Posted: 15-Jul-2008, 08:17 AM
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How To Get Even!



Here are several ways to reall get even with someone:

GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early!


X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials an absolute classic . . .


OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil underneath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.


PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries another favorite . . .


FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT.

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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 15-Jul-2008, 06:49 PM
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The church gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people business. Several members
did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George,
a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and
walked away. He didn't exp! lain, d efend, or deny... He said nothing. Later
that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... Walked home... And left it there all night. You gotta love George


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"Irishness is not primary a question of birth or blood or language; it is the condition on being involved in the Irish situation, and usually of being mauled by it."-Conor Cruise O'Brien

Pour mouth to mouth
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 10:24 AM
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A woman was walking down Yonge Street in Toronto when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight." The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 12:50 PM
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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."


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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 12:53 PM
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


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Leelee 
Posted: 17-Jul-2008, 03:44 PM
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QUOTE
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken


lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif clap.gif That was a good one, Patch!! I needed the laugh smile.gif
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