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Patch 
Posted: 29-Jun-2008, 11:03 AM
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A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her
and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for
reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully
equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to
write the word 'toilet' in her letter. So, she decided on the
old-fashioned term
'Bathroom Commode.'

Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided
on the abbreviation 'B.C.' and wrote, 'Does your campground have its
own 'B.C.?'

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure
out what she meant by 'B.C.' He showed it to several of the campers,
one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist
Church since there was letterhead on the paper which referred to a
Baptist Church.

So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful
grove of trees. I
admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going
regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat
350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and
Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.

The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest
passages. It may
interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are
also having a
fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend
regularly. It's been a
good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to
be able to go more
often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you,
and introduce you
to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your
visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

Camp Director

Slàinte,    

Patch    
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Patch 
Posted: 29-Jun-2008, 12:20 PM
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you
-- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.



Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Amen

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Patch 
Posted: 29-Jun-2008, 05:01 PM
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Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No sh*t."


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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 29-Jun-2008, 05:03 PM
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.
''I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents. 'The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in
tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 29-Jun-2008, 05:15 PM
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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read .'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'The teacher paused then asked the class:'And what do you think the man said?'One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig! 'The teacher had to leave the room.
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 30-Jun-2008, 01:30 PM
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.






The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 30-Jun-2008, 01:34 PM
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THE MUSTARD STORY
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''

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Patch 
Posted: 01-Jul-2008, 04:35 AM
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Red Riding Hood's Revenge



This is a nice one you could tell your children or grandchildren at bedtime. It would cut their fears and tensions I'm sure. Perhaps bring a small smile to their cute little faces.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shi-t"

Slàinte,   

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Leelee 
Posted: 01-Jul-2008, 05:32 PM
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QUOTE
Red Riding Hood's Revenge


lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif Good one, Patch clap.gif


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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maisky 
Posted: 02-Jul-2008, 10:07 AM
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Subject: Now it is explained...

Many will recall that on 8th July1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, NewMexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However,what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948, nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld,Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were allborn. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I hope this information clears up a lot of things.


--------------------
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
Carl Sagan
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Madadh 
Posted: 02-Jul-2008, 12:13 PM
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Sorry to burst your bubble maisky, but none of the persons mentioned were born in 1948.....but oddly enough Hillary Rodham Clinton was born in October 1947...... Maybe alien gestation periods are shorter than humans biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif


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maisky 
Posted: 02-Jul-2008, 08:17 PM
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QUOTE (Madadh @ 02-Jul-2008, 11:13 AM)
Sorry to burst your bubble maisky, but none of the persons mentioned were born in 1948.....but oddly enough Hillary Rodham Clinton was born in October 1947...... Maybe alien gestation periods are shorter than humans biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

It is a JOKE, you silly!
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 03-Jul-2008, 10:29 AM
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> exercise for people over 50


> Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
> plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each
> hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold
> them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and
> then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
> for just a bit longer.
>
> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try
> 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you
> can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
> straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
>
> After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
> sack
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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jul-2008, 11:30 AM
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That is my idea of exercise!

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Patch 
Posted: 03-Jul-2008, 12:00 PM
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An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

Slàinte,    

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