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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 09:16 AM
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QUOTE (Leelee @ 24-Jun-2008, 09:57 PM)
Career choice !!!!



A Baptist preacher 'in the West' had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed five objects on his desk: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, a marijuana cigarette, and a Hustler magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,
and, Lord, what a shame that would be. If he picks up the marijuana cigarette, he's going to be a worthless dope-head. And worst of all, if he picks up that Hustler magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, put the joint to his lips, and lit it up. Taking a long drag from the doobie, he uncorked the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the Hustler centerfold.

'Lord have mercy!,' the old preacher whispered in disgust, 'he's going to work in the oilpatch!'

I thought it meant he was going to be a televangalist.


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Patch 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 09:29 AM
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You could not prove it by me. I tried looking it up and found nothing. As a parent certainly wouldn't want a child to become a televangalist. I learned a long time ago that there are some things I have no "need to know" and if this is one of them, oh well. That way I can pick my own interpretation.

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Leelee 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 11:01 AM
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QUOTE
Great joke! I may be slow, but what is "oilpatch"? I can assume that it is something one would not want their son doing. If that is all I need to know that is fine. I have never heard that used before. I get E-mails from Scotland and have to ask for a LOT of translations there! Thanks.


Patch, an Oilpatch worker works on an Oil Rig & drills for oil. No worries, we Canadians have "slang" for many words and/or, just like everyone else in different parts of the world. Believe me, I even question some of them coming from Canada smile.gif

QUOTE
I thought it meant he was going to be a televangalist.


Hoo boy....that wouldn't be good....are they really like that???? I don't watch them on TV...I seen one "Episode" with the Bakers....not my cup o'tea. rolleyes.gif


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Patch 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 11:28 AM
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Ok, now I understand. Thanks.

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Leelee 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 12:17 PM
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Anytime Patch biggrin.gif
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 01:04 PM
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I think I'd better put this in here, rather than in Religion and Philosphy. We've had enough excitement for one week over there. rolleyes.gif

Some engineers were at a party, and one of them, a mechanical engineer, brought up the idea that God was really the prime engineer of all. In fact, He must be a mechanical engineer.

"Look at the exquisite tolerances in the human skeletal frame alone!" he exclaimed. "Those fine trabecular patterns, like lace, but so strong! Just the right proportion of space and material, unique to each individual! We only try to imitate the way the mineral in bones is deposited, to make bridges, arches, buildings . . . Surely God is a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer laughed. "Well," he said, "if you think that way, then God is surely an electrical engineer! If you consider the human nervous system -- almost impossible to contemplate the speed, the complexity, the plasticity -- unique to each individual, and constantly self-correcting! The potential for applying its models is near infinite. God is without question an electrical engineer."

The lowly civil engineer just kept sipping his beer and munching on peanuts and samosas, with a little smile on his face. The other two, thinking themselves superior as always, turned to him kindly and said, "Well, what do you think? Is God a civil engineer, then?"

"Oh, there can really be no doubt that God is a civil engineer," he burped, wiping his fingers on his tie, "if you just consider the example of the human body again." His colleagues smiled indulgently at him to continue.

"Who but a civil engineer," whispered the little man, leaning his head forward with a wink, "would have run the main sewage lines right through the central recreation area?"
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Leelee 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 01:57 PM
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To all of those that remember Red Skelton, and to those that don't .... this is still worth reading. He sure was one of my favorites. Enjoy.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!'
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'
The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.... ....these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless' thumbs_up.gif
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Patch 
Posted: 25-Jun-2008, 06:33 PM
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Yep, there was quite a group. Red Skelton, Bob Hope, George Burns, Jack benny and Arthur Godfrey. I will probably think of more in a min. Oh, George Goebel (sp) and Buddy Hackett.

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Patch 
Posted: 27-Jun-2008, 09:51 AM
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 01:25 AM
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An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife planning on flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: January 17, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 05:48 AM
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The Chemistry professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.

When his turn came, one student answered, "Blondes!"

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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 05:50 AM
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Father: "Son, I'm very worried about you being at the bottom of your class."

Son: "Don't fret Dad. They teach the same stuff to both ends."


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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 05:52 AM
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A college student wrote home: "Am without friends or funds."

His dad wrote back: "Make friends!"

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Leelee 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 01:00 PM
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QUOTE
An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
lol.gif Good one, Patch biggrin.gif thumbs_up.gif

Now this one I believe could refer to Women too, if you switched the Gender in this joke yes.gif Works both ways beer_mug.gif

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
sly.gif
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Patch 
Posted: 28-Jun-2008, 02:07 PM
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As a boy is growing up, his mother is always asking "where he is going."

Then he leaves the "nest", gets married and for the next 50 or so years, his wife is always asking "where he is going."

Finally the day comes when he passes away and his family and friends are sitting quietly at the funeral wondering "where he went!"

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