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Leelee 
Posted: 16-Jun-2008, 01:49 PM
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Three Men on a Hike


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'



--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 16-Jun-2008, 03:17 PM
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That was a GOOD one!

Slàinte,    

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Leelee 
Posted: 16-Jun-2008, 06:54 PM
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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jun-2008, 03:43 AM
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People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.

At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 17-Jun-2008, 03:47 AM
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An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."

The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 08:22 AM
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Soup Spoons & Restrooms


Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice."Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "Idon't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Slàinte,    

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ranger 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 08:22 AM
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The Three Kick Rule...
> > A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
> He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
> field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the
> fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
> what he was doing. The litigator responded, " I shot a duck
> and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve
> it."
> > The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are
> not coming over here."
> > The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
> attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck,
> I'll sue you and take everything you own."
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
> know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements
> like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
> > The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
> > The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times
> and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
> until someone gives up."
> > The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
> decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
> abide by the local custom.
> > The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
> up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his
> heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
> his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off
> his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
> > The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get
> to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my
> turn!"
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can
> have the duck!"
> >


--------------------
"...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

'The Lord of the Rings' - Book one
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ranger 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 08:23 AM
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the
> summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and
> started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to
> the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
> any odd jobs for her to do.
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said,
> 'How much will you charge me?'
>
> Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and
> everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife,
> hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize
> that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded,
> 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The
> wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
> those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
>
> Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her
> money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
>
> 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I
> gave it two coats.'
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
> handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
>
> 'And by the way, ' the blonde added,' it's not a Porch, it's a
> Lexus'.
>
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ranger 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 08:25 AM
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Marriage made in heaven?





A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.



People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple."



The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.



The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the man, as we visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.



"My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'



"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.



"Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'



"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.



"I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy?!'



"She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'



"And from that moment on... We have lived happily ever after."

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ranger 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 08:48 AM
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A husband and wife are shopping in Wal-Mart when the
man picks up a case of Budweiser and puts them into
the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks his wife.

"They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans," he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife
and they carry on shopping......

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of
face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she
says.

The man replies........"So does 24 cans of
Budweiser, and it's half the price!!!!"
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ranger 
Posted: 18-Jun-2008, 10:22 AM
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is s till waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she m anaged to reply,

'The bastard had all dimes!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed



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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 06:47 AM
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Drowning
One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.

Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."

The second boy said, "I want a truck."

And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."

Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"


Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 06:50 AM
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Drivers License
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 07:49 AM
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Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

Slàinte,    

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Leelee 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 09:56 AM
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What a way to start the day!

There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood .... and then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car .... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?' ....
and that's when the fight started.
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