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subhuman 
Posted: 22-Oct-2005, 09:28 AM
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Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new programme began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself onto all other programmes and now monitors all system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 8.3, Pub Crawl 10.0 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can?t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my favourite programmes. I?m thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall on Wife 1.0 doesn?t seem to work.

Please help

A troubled user.



Reply

Dear troubled user

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a utilities and entertainment programme.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!!!.
It is also impossible to delete Wife1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is also impossible to uninstall, or purge the programme files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support-Homlessness.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application ?Yes Dear? to alleviate additional software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE
Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command anyway before the system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 is a great programme but tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programmes, such as Clean & Sweep 3.0, Cook-it 1.5 and Do-bills 4.2.
The downside is that it also comes with a sub programme called Spend-it 12.9 which cannot be deleted. Watch this programme very carefully or you will have to refer to your manual again under 2nd job.
Be very careful how you use these programmes, improper use will cause the system to launch the programme NagNag 9.5. once this happens the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is by the purchase of additional software.

Recommended Flowers 2.1, Holidays 2.4 or Precious Gems 1.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Babysitter 17.0. these applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and your personal hard drive.

Best of Luck


Tech Support


--------------------
I have two modes: wiseass and dumbass. Mode is determined by current blood alcohol level.

Drinking is a sport. In order to be competitive, you must practice on a regular basis. Although you can practice alone, it is much more fun to practice with friends. If you're out of shape and practice too hard, you will regret it the next day.

Life is a disease. It is sexually transmitted and always terminal.
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Emmet 
Posted: 22-Oct-2005, 01:31 PM
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"8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20."

TWENTY DAYS OF HOLIDAYS!?
HOLY CRAP!


jawdrop.gif


The only time that happens in America is when they outsource your job to India and fire you.


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Emmet 
Posted: 22-Oct-2005, 01:32 PM
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Over here, we call that "vacation".
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subhuman 
Posted: 23-Oct-2005, 04:34 AM
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Take The Test!

Lee wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Lee: Seven!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Lee: Seven!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Lee: Six.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Lee: Seven!

Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two sheep is seven?

Lee: I've already got one sheep at home


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subhuman 
Posted: 28-Oct-2005, 09:55 AM
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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!''
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Emmet 
Posted: 28-Oct-2005, 02:21 PM
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Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
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Emmet 
Posted: 03-Nov-2005, 10:35 AM
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Paddy and Michael were drinking one evening, when late in the evening the talk turned to fate, death, and eternity. Paddy brought out a truly magnificent bottle of whiskey, a 30 year old Old Comber, and solemnly said;
"Michael, you're my only brother, all the family I have left in the world, and of all the people I've known in the world, you're the only one who's always been forthright with me, faithful to me, and has never betrayed me. I want you to make a solemn oath with me now, brother, that when I die, you'll set this bottle at my feet when they lay me out to wake me, and when once you've seen me properly buried, you'll pour this whiskey over my grave."
"Jesus Mary, and Joseph Michael, that's a £340 bottle of whiskey, some of the finest in the world! Why don't we take a bit together, in honour of our brotherhood and friendship, and toast to each other's long life and good health!?
But Paddy was adamant, and after much discussion, Paddy forlornly agreed.
For years and years, the bottle of Old Comber stood in a place of honour on Paddy's mantel, where it never failed to elicit a wistful, and sometimes lustful, sideways glance from Michael.
On the day that Paddy died, Michael saw to it that he was laid out properly; candles were kept lit day and night at his head and feet and either side, with the magnificent bottle of Old Comber standing at his feet as he had sworn to do so long ago; Michael kept vigil all night, never leaving his brother's side from his last breath 'till it was finally time to head for the churchyard for his final goodbye.
That evening, after Paddy's mass, burial, and repast, Michael stood over his grave in the evening light, gently swaying from the refreshments which he'd so generously shared with all of the pallbearers & gravediggers, the bottle of magnificent whiskey in his hand.
"Paddy, you're my best friend in the world, and my only brother. I've never failed you or betrayed you, and I've no intention of doing so now, But I was wondering, my brother, when I pour this fine whiskey over your grave, if you wouldn't mind so much if I was to pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Rindy 
Posted: 03-Nov-2005, 10:04 PM
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules! of life really are:

*You o nly need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
* If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
* If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape

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stoirmeil 
Posted: 07-Nov-2005, 10:19 AM
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QUOTE (Rindy @ 03-Nov-2005, 10:04 PM)

*You o nly need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
* If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
* If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape

laugh.gif
But I've been doing this for years! I never knew I was so well adjusted.
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ghost 
Posted: 10-Nov-2005, 03:26 AM
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Another for the pile smile.gif

The Male Blond Joke--

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too.

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He made his own lunch." thumbs_up.gif
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ghost 
Posted: 10-Nov-2005, 03:48 AM
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Senior humour!

I came across these tonight, hope you like 'em

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to
take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I
got my leotards on, the
class was over.

**************************

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She
simply replied, "No peer
pressure.

**************************

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take
40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.



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Emmet 
Posted: 10-Nov-2005, 07:09 AM
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Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of this life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needs glasses."
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 10-Nov-2005, 10:59 AM
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Now what does that remind me of. . .

There was a poor little guy that was born without eyelids. He was perfect except for that. The doctor referred his mum and dad to a plastic surgeon who had the idea of using a bit of the foreskin after the baby's circumcision to fashion little eyelids for him, and so they did. Procedure went without a hitch, and all's well to this day, except the poor fellow is now a bit cockeyed.
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Keltic 
Posted: 10-Nov-2005, 11:22 PM
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."


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Rindy 
Posted: 15-Nov-2005, 10:07 PM
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Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are Whispering, when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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