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stoirmeil 
Posted: 13-Sep-2005, 11:39 PM
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FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

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stoirmeil 
Posted: 15-Sep-2005, 04:54 PM
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
of one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's (2005) winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

3. Intaxication:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
it.

9. Inoculatte:

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis:

Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis:

A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon:

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.):

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido:

All talk and no action.

15 Dopeler effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):

The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.):

Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.):

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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Shadows 
Posted: 21-Sep-2005, 05:52 PM
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Walmart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail
chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the
spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.



Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She continued: "But the right
name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the
most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in
popularity are:



10. Chateau Traileur Parc



9. White Trashfindel



8. Big Red Gulp



7. World Championship Riesling



6. NASCARbernet



5. Chef Boyardeaux



4. Peanut Noir



3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!



2. Grape Expectations



And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...



1. Nasti Spumante



The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel)!


--------------------
I support the separation of church and hate!

IMAGINATION - the freest and largest nation in the world!


One can not profess to be of "GOD" and show intolerence and prejudice towards the beliefs of others.

Am fear nach gleidh na h–airm san t–sith, cha bhi iad aige ’n am a’ chogaidh.
He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.

"We're all in this together , in the parking lot between faith and fear" ... O.C.M.S.

“Beasts feed; man eats; only the man of intellect knows how to eat well.”

"Without food we are nothing, without history we are lost." - SHADOWS


Is iomadh duine laghach a mhill an Creideamh.
Religion has spoiled many a good man.

The clan MacEwen
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 21-Sep-2005, 07:12 PM
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clap.gif
lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif
wine.gif

. . . Nasti Spumante biggrin.gif
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Emmet 
Posted: 23-Sep-2005, 09:32 PM
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The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" ........

His wife replied,
"The damned funeral director would be my guess."


--------------------
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Shadows 
Posted: 27-Sep-2005, 04:53 PM
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their
pictures!
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Shadows 
Posted: 27-Sep-2005, 04:54 PM
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
.
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands.
.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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ghost 
Posted: 29-Sep-2005, 12:15 PM
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Bran Muffins

Hector and Janet were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Hector. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Hector pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Hector glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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ghost 
Posted: 06-Oct-2005, 10:56 AM
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Chap high-tailing it down the road at 90mph gets pulled over at a traffic control checkpoint. Officer comes over and orders him to roll down the window.

"Sir...you were speeding. I'd like to see your licence."

Driver looks up at him. "Sorry, I don't have a licence."

Officer looks stunned. "What do you mean?"

"I never passed my test."

"How about driving documents? I'd like to see the ownership papers for the vehicle."

The driver shrugs. "There's no documents. I needed the room in the glove compartment to hold the gun."

At this point the cop takes a step back. "There's a gun in the glove-box?"

"Yes. I needed it to steal the car."

Officer is wide-eyed by now. "You've stolen this car?"

"Yes - I shot the fellow who owned it. His body is in the boot. Would you like to see?"

Cop holds up his hand, trying to gather his thoughts. "Sir. Just sit there and don't move. I need to speak to my captain."

There's an intense conversation and an anxious-looking senior officer walks cautiously over. "Sir -- I'm a little confused. My officer over there tells me that you have no driving licence, that you have no documentation, that you've used a gun to steal this car, and that you've shot the owner and put his body in the boot."

Driver looks at the captain and shakes his head. "I'll bet the b@stard told you I was speeding as well "
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ghost 
Posted: 08-Oct-2005, 12:57 AM
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A guy walks into a casino bathroom and sees a very small man dressed all in green washing his hands. The tall guy does his business at the toilet while thinking to himself, "Small guy + green clothes = leprechaun" So after he's done his stuff, he goes over, pretends to wash his hands, and grabs the little guy. "You're a leprechaun, right? Now that I've caught you, you need to give me your gold, right?"
After a short pause, the little man replies, "Right, right you are. But you need to do me a favor first. Just a small one."
"Sure, why not," says the tall man.
"You have to run through the casino. Naked."
The tall man thinks about this for a minute, and then replies, "Why the heck not." So he proceeds to take off his clothes, and run through the casion naked. He comes back into the bathroom panting, and while putting on his clothes says, "Oh man, I can't believe I just did that."
The small man chuckles and responds as he walks out the door, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun." thumbs_up.gif
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ghost 
Posted: 08-Oct-2005, 02:27 AM
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "about an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "to your house."
tongue.gif
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kyrupt 
Posted: 08-Oct-2005, 08:30 AM
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[COLOR=Maroon]Man This is too funny
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Emmet 
Posted: 10-Oct-2005, 04:20 PM
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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955"

She Said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

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ranger 
Posted: 13-Oct-2005, 08:46 AM
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I went to the filling station this morning and

asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

beer_mug.gif tongue.gif


--------------------
"...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

'The Lord of the Rings' - Book one
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ranger 
Posted: 13-Oct-2005, 09:01 AM
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[COLOR=Blue]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the
way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.",
He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."




FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs
or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
_______________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me. "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck"
Angrily he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where
are you going?", she asked.
"To get my teeth!" _______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!" ______________________________________


biggrin.gif [COLOR=blue] Hope this doesn't offend anyone...if we're lucky we'll all make it to this age someday.
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