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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Keltic 
Posted: 27-May-2003, 11:02 PM
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A man on vacation in Toronto sees an old friend from back home in Newfoundland.

"John O'Leary!! I haven't seen you in ages."
"Oh my goodness!! Patrick!!! I don't believe my eyes. What brings you to Toronto?"
"I'm here on vacation. What are you doing here?"
"Well, I live here now and I'm going to college"
"That's great! What are you taking at college?"
"I'm only doing one course this semester and it's on logic"
"Logic? What's that?"
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a fishbowl?"
"Why yes I do."
"Using logic, since you own a fishbowl, I'd say that you have fish. A step further, since it is a fish bowl, I'd say that you probably have goldfish."
"That is great!! I do have fish and they are goldfish"
"Taking it a step further, logic would tell me that since you have goldfish, you probably have children"
"That is fantastic"
"...and further to that, since you have children, I would say that you are also married."
"I am amazed"
"Finally, since you are married, using logic, I would say that you are a heterosexual."
"That is just amazing."
"Well, Patrick, that's what I'm learning about at school"

The conversation continues for a while longer as the two old friends catch up and then they part ways. Patrick returns to Newfoundland and is telling a friend about his vacation.

"Oh yes. I ran into John O'Leary in Toronto."
"Really!?! I haven't seen him in years. What is he doing now?"
"He's living in Toronto and going to school. He's taking a course on logic"
"Logic? What's that?"
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a fishbowl?"
"No, I don't"
"Well, logic tells me that you are a homosexual!"


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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 27-May-2003, 11:28 PM
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Bwahhaaaahhaaaahaaaahaaahahahaaa!
laugh.gif
Hey. Wait a minute. I don't have goldfish!
Checking to be sure that wife and four kids exist.


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MDF3530 
  Posted: 28-May-2003, 12:12 AM
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I thought this was good!!!

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Letterman Family Barbecue

10. "Pass the gin"

9. "Uh oh! Uncle Earl's on fire"

8. "Thanks for posting my bail"

7. "How do you like your raccoon?"

6. "Keep it down -- Leno's on"

5. "Calm down, mom, I'm sure Clay will be fine"

4. "Another family barbecue, another crappy Top Ten list from Dave"

3. "Dave, try to keep your shingles out of the cole slaw"

2. "Use this on your show, and I'll sue your ass"

1. "More Canadian beef, Dave?"


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May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.


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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 09:59 AM
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A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"




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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 10:13 AM
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Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he reaches the battlefield, suddenly on the crest of hill there appears a solitary figure, a little stocky ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

"Hammer of the Scots?" yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye hammer!"

Edward turns to his commander and says, "Take 20 men and deal with that Scottish upstart!"

The commander send 20 men over the hill to kill the Scot.

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ye English bastards!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ya!!"

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"

The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill again, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ye English Scum!" he yells.
"I'm just warming up!!!! Come and Get me!!!"

Edward loses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally Wipe Him Off The Face Of The Earth!" he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru, and yells, "Is that the best ye can do??? You're Bloody Wimmin!!!! Come on, come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!"

Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.

"Your Majesty!!!" he yells "It's a trap!! There's two of them."
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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 10:24 AM
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This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 10:26 AM
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Two men at bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather sh_t her pants."
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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 10:29 AM
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My apologies to The Almighty right now...

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.

This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!"
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Aon_Daonna 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 06:23 PM
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This is what a finnish friend sent me about Scotsmen:

why are scotsmen always so grumpy?

You would be grumpy, too, if you lived in a land where ppl wear skirts and the thistles grew thigh-high *grins*


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brettzky42 
  Posted: 29-May-2003, 09:10 PM
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Ok...these two Irish guys, Paddy and Moloney, get jobs refueling jets at the airport in Dublin.

While working hard at their task one day, a drop of fuel splashes out of the nozzle and lands right on Paddy's lips. To his amazement, it tastes like the finest Irish whiskey that he's ever had.

For the rest of their shift, Paddy and Moloney gulp down gallons of the stuff. At the end of the day they part ways and stagger to their homes.

About four hours later, Paddy's phone rings. It's Moloney.

"Paddy", Moloney says. "I need you to listen to me carefully."

"Aye Moloney, I'm listening", says Paddy

"Tell me, Paddy. How much of the jet fuel did ya drink?"

Paddy replies, "Surely Moloney, I drank as much as you."

"Then listen to me carefully", Moloney says. "Whatever ya do...DON'T FART."

"Now why should I be worryin' about fartin'?" Says Paddy.

Moloney replies: "'Cause that jet fuel is powerful stuff. I'm callin' from Tokyo!"
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brettzky42 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 09:54 PM
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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..." tongue.gif
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brettzky42 
Posted: 29-May-2003, 09:55 PM
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A sales rep's car breaks down in the Scottish highlands. He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic.

"Och none of them aroond here laddie," says the farmer, "We're all McDonalds."
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brettzky42 
  Posted: 31-May-2003, 07:34 AM
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Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!" dry.gif
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MDF3530 
  Posted: 31-May-2003, 11:40 AM
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QUOTE (brettzky42 @ May 31 2003, 07:34 AM)
Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"  dry.gif

LOL laugh.gif !!! That was a good one laugh.gif !!! Kind of reminds me of the song The Scottsman!
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brettzky42 
Posted: 02-Jun-2003, 10:50 PM
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Short but funny.....

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
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