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Viriato 
Posted: 28-Jul-2005, 09:44 AM
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Corporate lessons:

Lesson 1.- A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, ?Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long??
The crow answered: ?Sure, why not.? So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high.

Lesson 2.- A turkey was chatting with a bull. ?I would love to be able to get to
top of a that tree,? sighed the turkey, ?but I haven?t got the energy.?
?Well, why don?t you nibble on some of my droppings?? replied the
bull. ?They?re packed with nutrients.? The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach
the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more
dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a
farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story is:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won?t keep you there.



--------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Tino, n Gaileach

"It is better Honour without ships than ships without Honour"
- Admiral Mndez Nez
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Viriato 
Posted: 28-Jul-2005, 09:46 AM
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One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered her elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee-pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, ?Merry Christmas Santa. Isn?t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn?t just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it??

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

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CelticCoalition 
Posted: 28-Jul-2005, 10:32 AM
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Three men, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all sit at a bar and order a Guinness. As the bar tender hands the drinks over, a fly lands in ech draught.

The Englishman sticks his nose up and requests a different draw.

The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it aside, and takes a long drink.

The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it over the glass and screams, "Spit it out yah bahstard, spit it out!"


--------------------
user posted imageuser posted imageuser posted image
May those who love us love us
And those who don't love us
May God turn their hearts,
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
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Viriato 
Posted: 30-Jul-2005, 07:12 AM
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I like that...! laugh.gif laugh.gif Irish and Galicians must be made of the same fabric... laugh.gif laugh.gif

Here they go more... I get them from the Internetin different languages!

------------------------------------------


Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and
valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered
through the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe?s combination and inside they
found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank?s
audio-tape system, one said, ?At least we?ll get a bit to eat.?

The robbers opened up a second safe and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were
opened.

They found no one Irish punt, a diamond or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspapers headline read:

IRELAND?S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY
THIS MORNING

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Viriato 
Posted: 30-Jul-2005, 07:13 AM
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An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window she whished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, thought, she would like to meet the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank.
Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which mounted to around $3 million, telephoned the president?s secretary to obtain an appointment for her.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president?s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.

The bank president then asked her how she came into such large amount of money. ?was it inheritance?? he asked.
?No,? she answered.
?Was it from playing the stock market?? he inquired.
?No,? she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.
?I bet,? she stated.
?As in horses?? he asked.
?No,? she replied, ?I bet people.?
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, ?I?ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o?clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.?
The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn?t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home for the evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in is scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o?clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day: How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o?clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
?Well,? she asked, ?what about our bet??
?I don?t know how to tell you this,? he replied, ?but I?m the same as I?ve always been, only $25,000 richer!?
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
?What?s wrong with him?? he required.
?Oh, him,? she answered, ?I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o?clock this morning I?d have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.?
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Viriato 
Posted: 31-Jul-2005, 05:09 PM
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A London van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fans he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud ?THUMP? and then would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest ?where are you going, father??, ?I?m going to say mass at St. Joseph church, about 2 miles down the road? replied the priest.
?No problem father! I?ll give you a lift! Climb in!?
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the bastard.
However even thought he was certain he missed the glory-hunting pooh, he still heard a loud ?THUD?. No understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn?t see anything he turned to the priest and said, ?I?m sorry father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.?
?That?s okay,? replied the priest, ?I got the **TOS VIOLATION**er with the door!?

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Viriato 
Posted: 31-Jul-2005, 05:10 PM
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TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1) You can GET chocolate
2) ?If you love me you?ll swallow that? has real meaning with chocolate
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won?t mind
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty
names
9) The word ?commitment? doesn?t scare off chocolate
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped
12) You don?t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13) With chocolate there?s no need to fake it
14) Chocolate doesn?t make you pregnant
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month
16) Good chocolate is easy to find
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake
20) With chocolate size doesn?t matter
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Viriato 
Posted: 31-Jul-2005, 05:12 PM
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A radio conversation between Americans and Canadians off the coast of Newfounland in 1995:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision

Canadians : Recommended you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
Collision

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course

Canadians : No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES? ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISSERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAD THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT?S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-
MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP!

Canadians : This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Viriato 
Posted: 01-Aug-2005, 12:56 PM
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
?Quick, quick!? shouts Sister Marilyn, ?What should we do??
?Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,? says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
?What should we do now?? Sister Marilyn shouts again.
?Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,? says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
?Now what?? shouts Sister Marilyn.
?Show him your cross,? says Sister Helen.
?Now you are talking business,? says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, ?Get the f**k off our car!?.
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Viriato 
Posted: 01-Aug-2005, 12:57 PM
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day an elder Navajo and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated: ?What are the guys in the big suits doing??
A member of the crew said that they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder?s message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said:

?Watch out for these guys: They?ve come to steal your land.?
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Viriato 
Posted: 03-Aug-2005, 07:41 AM
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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she awakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, ?Ma?am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and name them.?
The woman thinks to herself, ?Oh no, not my brother?he?s an idiot!? She asks the doctor, ?Well, what?s the girl?s name??.
?Denise.?
?Wow, that?s not a bad name, I like it! What?s the boy?s name??
?Denephew.?


---------------------------- X -------------------------------


This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door, he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her:
?Sweetie, why don?t you give me a blowjob??
?What? You?re crazy???!!!?
?Don?t worry, it will be quick, no problem.?
?No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour??
?At this time of the night no one will show up??
?I?ve already said NO, and NO!?
?Honey, it?s just a small blowjob? I know you like it too??
?NO!!! I?ve said NO!!!?
?Baby? don?t be like that??

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says?
?Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he will come down and blow the guy himself, but for God?s sake to tell your boyfriend to take the hand off the intercom.?
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Viriato 
Posted: 04-Aug-2005, 09:14 AM
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and he was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked: ?Do you enjoy it??
She said that she did.
He asked: ?Does it hurt you??
She said that it didn?t
The doctor then told her: ?Well, then, there?s no reason that you shouldn?t practice anal sex, if that?s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.?
The woman was mystified. She asked, ?You can get pregnant from anal sex??
The doctor replied: ?Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from??


-------------------------------- X -------------------------------


An actual note handed to a flight attendant on a Quantas flight by a 8yr old girl (Original handwritten and some nave drawings)

dear Captain
My name is Nicola im 8 years. old, this is my first
flight but im not scared. I
like to watch the clouds go
by. My mum says the crew is
nice. I think your plane is
good. Thanks for the nice flight
don?t f**k up the landing

Luv Nicola
xxxx


------------------------------ X ------------------------------


News flash:

Ireland?s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two seat Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 726 bodies so far and officials expected that number to climb as the digging continues into the evening.
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Viriato 
Posted: 05-Aug-2005, 07:35 PM
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Lessons I?ve learned:

I?ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I?ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just as*holes.

I?ve learned that it takes years to build trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I?ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you?d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I?ve learned that you shouldn?t compare yourself to others? they are more fu**ed up than you think.

I?ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you?re finished.

I?ve learned that sometimes people you expect to kick you when you ?re down will be the ones who do.

I?ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children?
They will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I?ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I?ve learned to say ?Fu**?em if they can?t take a joke? in 6 languages.

As* this along to 5 friends? trust me, they?ll appreciate it.
Who knows? maybe something good will happen, If not? tough sh*t.


------------------------- X ------------------------


Spooky?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot in Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln?s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy?s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named ?Kennedy?
Kennedy was shot in a car called ?Lincoln?

Booth run from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald run from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And here?s the kicker?

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe?

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Viriato 
Posted: 06-Aug-2005, 07:07 PM
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A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, ?Thirteen!, Thirteen!, Thirteen!?.
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then, every one inside the asylum starts chanting, ?Fourteen! Fourteen!, Fourteen!?.


-------------------------- X ---------------------------





Some hoots?


Phreakers, or phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers, in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to ?Hello, you fat bastard.?

From the Churchdwon Parish Magazine: ?Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled ?For The Sick?, is for monetary donations only.?

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ?Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner?s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.?

From The Times: ?A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: ?This sort of thing is all too common these days?.?

From The Gloucester Citizen: ?A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled ?Hear Me Moan? the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdog in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, ?He got what he deserved?.?

From The Scottish Big Issue: ?In Sydney, 120 named Henry attacked each other during a ?My Name Is Henry? convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. ?It was a lie?, explained Mr. Pap, ?I am a Henry and always will be?, whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys -Jones and Dyer- attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys ?Smith, Calderwood and Andrews- became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.?

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed ?Brussels Pays 200,000 To Save Prostitutes?: ?? the money will not be going directly into the prostitute?s pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.?

From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ?Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force?. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.?

From The Guardian: ?After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30 years old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to ?Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards?. The Bank has now asked him to close the account and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.?

From Manchester Evening News: ?Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.?

A guy phones a law office and says: ?I want to speak to my lawyer.?
The receptionist replies, ?I?m sorry but he died last week.?
Next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, ?I told you yesterday, he died last week.?
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, ?I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling??
The guy says, ?Because I just love hearing it.?

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Viriato 
Posted: 09-Aug-2005, 11:54 AM
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NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE NOTICE.- Use your doctor?s surgery and help fund the N.H.S

Two lovers asked a doctor to watch them have intercourse, he agreed. When they had finished he said they had no problem and charged them 32.
They returned every week, had intercourse and left.
Finally the doctor asked them what they were worried about.
The man replied? ?We are both married and cannot use our homes. The Hilton charges 78, The Holiday Inn charges 74, you charge 32 of which we claim back 28 from BUPA for a surgery visit: So you are the cheapest in town.?


----------------------------------- X ----------------------------


Employee Development:

This Company is to introduce a ?Special High Intensity Training Program? (S.H.I.T.). It is expected that our employees will be in the S.H.I.T. more than any other Company?s employees.

Once you have taken all the S.H.I.T. you may progress to our ?Complete Responsibility Action Program? (C.R.A.P.) for supervisors.

If you take all the C.R.A.P. you may apply for management and take our ?Advanced Supervisory Staff Helping Our Loyal Employees Course? (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.).

So work hard, take all the S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. and you will qualify as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

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