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> Give My Story A Title!, I Can't Think Of One!
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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 27-Mar-2005, 09:18 PM
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While at work today, I had a creative moment and the following (very) short story just flowed out of my head and onto the paper. I would welcome your comments, good or bad, as well as any help you can offer in naming it! smile.gif I'm not the most creative of people I confess, but I actually kinda liked this one! smile.gif

Anyway, here's my story. I hope you like it!

UNTITLED

By Allen R. Alderman

It was with some trepidation and a very real sense of sadness that I went to visit the White Rabbit. As a child I had visited with him almost daily, but it had been a while now since my last visit. I was not looking forward to this one. His hole seemed much smaller these days and not as tidy as it had always seemed years ago. He greeted me warmly and invited me in to visit with him for a spell.

He made us a pot of tea and, as we drank, he reminisced about all of the adventures we had shared together once upon a time, the stories he used to tell me, the laughs and tears that we had shared. I marvelled at his words. Years ago his stories had seemed so full of meaning, deep, rich and philosophical. Today, however, they seemed shallow and superficial, almost contrived.

After what seemed ages, his words droned to an end, and for an uncomfortable eternity we sat in silence, each waiting for the other to come up with a reason to continue the conversation, and both coming up empty handed.

He sighed loudly and sat staring deeply into his now-empty cup. His shoulders were hunched and he seemed so very old.

"This is goodbye, isn't it?" he said finally, hesitancy and dread in his voice, an unshed tear sparkling in his eye.

"Yes, old friend, I'm afraid it is," I said, trying to hide a slight tremble in my voice.

"I knew it would come," he said, "it never lasts for long."

"There will be others," I said, vainly trying to cheer him up, "as long as there are children who look up to the sky with wonder, to the forest with a sense of mystery, there will be others."

"I know," he said, "But that never eases the pain I feel with each goodbye."

For a moment I struggled to find my voice. Then, "I will miss you," I said, no longer trying to hide my quivering voice.

"And I you," he replied.

"Thank you," I whispered.

And with that, I left his hole and I did not bother to look back. If I had, however, I would have seen that with each step I took his hole became more hazy, indistinct, and in the end, was no longer there at all.

And then, somewhere, in another place, a book opened, and that magical sound called the hole back into existence, more real and more vibrant than ever before.

And the story began anew....


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Sln agus beannachd,
Allen R. Alderman

'S i Alba tr mo chridhe. 'S i Gidhlig cnan m' anama.
Scotland is the land of my heart. Gaelic is the language of my soul.
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Rindy 
Posted: 27-Mar-2005, 10:22 PM
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Allen, that is wonderful! At least you had a "moment" unlike me.. smile.gif I know name it:

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emerald-eyedwanderer 
  Posted: 27-Mar-2005, 11:20 PM
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I just wanted to say I think it was really creative and I enjoyed it. As for a title...? I'll have to think some more when I'm not so tired wink.gif


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VetteGal 
Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 03:15 AM
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Wiz,
How about, "The Rabbit Hole of Imagination."


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Madadh 
Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 08:14 AM
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How about "A comming of age"?


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Aaediwen 
Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 12:04 PM
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"Leaving Wonderland", perhaps smile.gif

That's a wonderful image of the sad end of someone believing. The end of the innocent years. Yet with some hope at least, that the end is not absolute. One thing you might do though, is try to break "He said... He said" a bit. Perhaps replace some of that with more description. perhaps with the character doing something. Maybe taking a sip if their tea.

You've done well with the image, Wiz. I really want to cry for the parting of the two friends. I also like how you tied the rabbit's condition to the degree with which one believes in him.


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MDF3530 
  Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 12:29 PM
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How about "The Final Trip Through The Rabbit Hole"?


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susieq76 
Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 02:43 PM
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How about "The Long Goodbye"

I, too, thought it was wonderful. Great imagery, flow and depth.

Good job, Allen


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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 28-Mar-2005, 09:16 PM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words! smile.gif I was hoping you would like it! I was so surprised that this story was written so easily! The bulk of it was written in about 10 minutes, with just the odd word here and there getting changed afterwards. Usually when I try to write something it takes forever as I struggle with each and every word.

Anyway, thanks also for the title suggestions. When I tried, the only thing I could think of was "A Farewell to Innocence" or something like that. I also considered "...But when I became a Man..." referring to 1 Cor 13:11 which says "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." But I wasn't sure if people would recognize the reference. It also seemed a bit too long for such a short story.

You guys have given me several wonderful suggetions. I like them all! Right now, though, I am considering "Leaving Wonderland," "The Long Goodbye," and "A Coming of Age." That may change though depending on if I get more suggestions! wink.gif

Thanks guys! You're the greatest! smile.gif
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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 29-Mar-2005, 06:07 PM
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Hi! I didn't really have anything new to add, I just wanted to get my story back to the top, so that maybe some more people would read it. I need all of the advice I can get on it! smile.gif
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Haldur 
Posted: 02-Apr-2005, 09:01 PM
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Very delightful story Allen! I'm very impressed, to say the least. It's funny how we go through life and find that things aren't always as they seem. It is our beliefs, hopes, and dreams that seem to be the first things smashed the most trivial of things.

As far as the format of the story, it was perfect! Honestly, I don't think "He said" is such an issue. You were in the right on that matter. You read any classic piece of literature and it says "He said" or "Josh said" or the like. What messes a story up (and this is a thought held true by linguists and writers alike) is putting "too much" description.
For one thing, it slows the story along and dialogue is something very important to the story...dialogue moves the story along. I could sit and describe a fence-post to the most basic molecular structure but it doesn't do any good. Let's face it, it's a waste of the writer's time and most importantly, the reader's time. And secondly...you want the story to move along, get to its point (if it has one), and be done with it.

I absolutely love what you've done here and I'm not embellishing. You stuck to your guns and told a story from the heart and with the gusto of a true author. You gave the story life. Your characters gave the story life. It's simple (in a good way) and has a good message.


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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 02-Apr-2005, 09:17 PM
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Awww, shucks! (Wiz blushes from head to toe)

Thanks Haldur! I really appreciate it!

I don't know what it is about this story, but everytime I read it I get all misty-eyed! And I wrote it! Strange, huh? biggrin.gif
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Haldur 
Posted: 06-Apr-2005, 02:56 PM
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Misty-eyed is great! I have a flare for writing the bittersweet...just haven't finished a piece in a long time!

Mostly, its time that gets in my way...that, and procrastination. Ooh...that devastating "P" word. Procrastination. sad.gif

I'll get there though, its just not my time yet.
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Eiric 
Posted: 11-May-2005, 09:58 AM
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As an author I must say how much I loved yer story! I think Good Bye Rabbit is a good name, and keep on writing, it wis a wonderful story!


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Tha gach uile dhuine air a bhreth saor agus co-ionnan ann an urram 's ann an cirichean. Tha iad air am breth le reusan is le cogais agus mar sin bu chir dhaibh a bhith be nam measg fhein ann an spiorad brthaireil

If you think you can hold me down
I beg to differ
If you think you can twist my words
I'll sing forever
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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 11-May-2005, 09:11 PM
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Thanks for your kind words, Eiric! I like the story too! I still can't believe I wrote it! smile.gif
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