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> A Little Tornado Humor For Our Friends, that live in Tornado Alley
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Posted: 01-Mar-2005, 07:08 PM
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Fear-leanmhainn an Rėgh
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Tornado Season (feel free to substitute Hurricane for Tornado if you live in Florida)

For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes and are hearing
news coverage of this, I put together a short glossary to help you

Fujita Scale: Scale used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and
their severity.

F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your
house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a
brick. People enjoy standing on their porches with their video
cameras to watch this kind.

F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless, of
course, you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then
strong enough to blow your house into your car.

F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to
the other end of the block.

F4: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to
the other side of town.

F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your
front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a
last sight. Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this
tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a
semi truck. (Hey! I liked my Pinto!)

Meteorologist: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person
until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through

Storm Chaser: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but
get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the
mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what
they'll do.

Tranquilizer: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through
the May 3rd, 1999, tornado every time it storms or they tear your
whole house up freaking out of their minds. Prozac works well also
(equally well for people and pets) :-)

Moore, Oklahoma: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They
like to meet here and do a little partying before stretching out
across the rest of the Midwest.

Bathtub: Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado,
mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly
wash off and come out looking great.

Severe Weather Radio: A handy device that sends out messages from the
National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting
because the high pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds
suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report
just sounds creepy.

Tornado Siren: A system the city spent millions to install, which is
really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then, of
course, you can't hear them.

Storm Cellar: A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost
100% safe, though weigh your options carefully. Most are not well
cared for and are homes to rats and snakes. Many are uninhabitable
because they are full of old lawn mowers, boxes and other junk.

May-June: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of
bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to
chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.

Barometric Pressure: Nobody really knows what this is, but when
it drops, a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for
exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them them to
the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time. It's an exciting
new sport.

Cars: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile
home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car... unless everybody
on the road decides to do the same thing, and then you're in grid

A Ditch: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find
yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado.
Theoretically, the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but
since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old
tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.

Mobile Home (slang: "tornado magnet"): Most people are convinced
mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes,
because if there's one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius,
the tornado will find it.

Earthquake: What any Californian would rather go through on any
scale of severity than face a tornado.

Tornado: What any Oklahoman would rather go through on any scale
of severity than face an earthquake.

Twister: Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring
Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny and
unrealistic until May 3rd, 1999.

Power Flash: One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at
night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a
bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by
meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time
must-see t.v. and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a
storm for viewers.

Here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:

"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means
"it'll be about a week."

"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an
expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours,
probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart.

"It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.

"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead
and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha ha ha ha.

And the BIG TIP of the day:
When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure
to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is
unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every
computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine,
your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once.

1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at
the same time, waking you from a dead sleep. And 2) Your breakers
will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.

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Steve Ewing

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25

"Non sibi sed patriae!"

Reviresco (I grow strong again)
Clan MacEwen motto

Audaciter (Audacity)
My Ewing Family Motto
(descendants of Baron William Ewing of Glasgow, born about 1630)

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

"Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum." from "Epitoma Rei Militaris," by Vegetius

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  Posted: 01-Mar-2005, 08:34 PM
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Madman with a box
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?We?ll have your electricity restored in 24 hours,? which means ?it?ll be about a week.?

Actually, ComEd is very good about getting our power back on after it goes out.

?There?s just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead
and make your outdoor plans.?

Whenever you hear that, RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Mike F.

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

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Posted: 01-Mar-2005, 09:16 PM
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A translation from a perticularly well known central Kentucky Meteorologist on snow in 1993:

he said: "We might get a dusting of snow"

he should have said: "bunker down and get the generator primed, because you'll be buried under 3 feet of snow and ice for two weeks"

The latter, of course, is what happened

Poet and seeker of knowledge

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