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> More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn, I've got more (somebody please stop me!)
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Lil 
Posted: 03-Jun-2005, 03:42 PM
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blink.gif you are a bad, bad, baaaaaad man, MacE...but I love the jokes!!!!

this is what I felt like after that one joke.......... bangin.gif

Lil
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 03-Jun-2005, 04:43 PM
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Let's see if Lil continues to give me encouragement after these stinkers (I always try to do what pretty ladys ask me to do! naughty.gif )

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women? fart.gif
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives? rip_1.gif
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy. lol.gif
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, I'm ready, fire away! fear.gif


--------------------
MacE
AKA
Steve Ewing

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25

"Non sibi sed patriae!"

Reviresco (I grow strong again)
Clan MacEwen motto

Audaciter (Audacity)
My Ewing Family Motto
(descendants of Baron William Ewing of Glasgow, born about 1630)

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

"Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum." from "Epitoma Rei Militaris," by Vegetius

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Lil 
Posted: 04-Jun-2005, 01:18 AM
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QUOTE (MacEoghainn @ 03-Jun-2005, 05:43 PM)
Let's see if Lil continues to give me encouragement after these stinkers (I always try to do what pretty ladys ask me to do! naughty.gif )


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmm...very good, MacE....ya nearly had me cept for the 2 I quoted...Ahem...all I am going to say is that that is NOT true of all women...just ask my hubby......after almost 19 years he still makes me wub.gif dribble.gif every single day! love.gif

as to the 2nd one..... well...maybe I will just shutup.gif heh heh

and yes, keep 'em coming, I love to laugh and you make me do it with every one you tell!!!!

Lil
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LilysApple 
  Posted: 06-Jun-2005, 12:27 AM
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Squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was
overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian
church called a meeting to decide what to do about the
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the
best and most effective solution: They baptized the
squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now
they see them only on Christmas and Easter.user posted image



--------------------
"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are, and you will not find that person anywhere.
~Buddist expression~
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As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 06-Jun-2005, 05:20 PM
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QUOTE (LilysApple @ 06-Jun-2005, 01:27 AM)
[center][color=BlueViolet][font=Optima]Squirrels

   There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
   Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic..............

Not bad LA, as Lil says; "keep 'em coming"!!! biggrin.gif
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 06-Jun-2005, 05:24 PM
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QUOTE (Lil @ 04-Jun-2005, 02:18 AM)
Hmmm...very good, MacE....ya nearly had me cept for the 2 I quoted...Ahem...all I am going to say is that that is NOT true of all women...just ask my hubby......after almost 19 years he still makes me wub.gif dribble.gif every single day! love.gif

He must be a very lucky man and you a very lucky woman!!!
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 10-Jun-2005, 05:25 PM
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Ok, all the blondes look away for a moment:

Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder!!!!



Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


FYI: Lisa is blonde.
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Lil 
Posted: 13-Jun-2005, 09:36 AM
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jawdrop.gif you are soooo bad MacE naughty.gif you are the king of bad jokes and I notworthy.gif to your expertise!!!!

oh and wink_kiss.gif thank you, we are both VERY lucky and I hope that it shows that we are!!

Lil
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 15-Jun-2005, 05:39 PM
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Fish and Cat lovers avert your eyes now!!!

nuke.gif






nuke.gif




nuke.gif





nuke.gif





nuke.gif

Decent Burial! poor fish!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her elderly neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, what are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt she replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 15-Jun-2005, 05:45 PM
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This one made me think of my biggest bad joke fan, Lil, and her hubby!!!


How to handle a husband/boyfriend

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water.

Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice".

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once".

And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after" fear.gif
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Madadh 
Posted: 16-Jun-2005, 05:28 AM
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notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif


--------------------
-----------------------
Céad Mile Fáilte


May God hold you in the hallows of his hands



American First, Irish Always



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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 20-Jun-2005, 06:00 PM
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A case of mistaken identity! (alternate title: are you my kid's daddy?)

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky." I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
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Lil 
Posted: 22-Jun-2005, 10:16 PM
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My contribution.....


A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." tongue.gif
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"
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The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"


laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Heeheeheee....I will find more, I promise!!!!

Lil

Oh and Thank you...but guess what, Mace, He's on one and I'm on 2!!!!!!!!


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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 29-Jun-2005, 06:20 PM
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Lawyer

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give something back to your community through the United Way?"



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability
to pay?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't
know that."



"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children."



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.



"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless
with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled
and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of
private tutors?"



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm
sorry, I had no idea"



And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them,
what in the heck makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Monarchs Own 
Posted: 02-Jul-2005, 05:21 AM
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MacE - love your jokes - keep them coming. I send several to my husband to cheer him up over in Iraq. Hope you don't mind that I post one or two myself?
***********************

It was opening night at the Orpheum. The Amazing Claude topped the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote of the Day!

Some People are like Slinkies

Not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face.....
when pushed down a flight of stairs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------
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