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> More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn, I've got more (somebody please stop me!)
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MDF3530 
  Posted: 22-Mar-2005, 10:33 PM
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Bill Gates Meets His Programmer

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stands over him and says, ?Well Bill, I?m really confused on this one. It?s a tough decision. I?m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ?95 among other indiscretions. I believe I?ll do something I?ve never done before; I?ll let you decide where you want to go.?

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, ?Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?? Looking slightly puzzled, God said, ?Better yet, why don?t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell??

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, ?I think I?ll try Hell first.? So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill?s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. ?This is great,? he thought, ?if this is Hell, I can?t wait to see heaven.?

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

?So, how is everything going?? God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ?This is awful! It?s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can?t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women??

?That was the demo,? replied God.


--------------------
Mike F.

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May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.


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Lil 
Posted: 22-Mar-2005, 11:58 PM
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Oh, my lord, I almost fell out of the chair!
Keep 'em coming Maceoghainn, I love them!

Lil
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 20-Apr-2005, 05:31 PM
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Shhh, Don't let Annabelle know I've posted another bad joke, she might hurt me! biggrin.gif






Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide open and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."


--------------------
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"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

"Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum." from "Epitoma Rei Militaris," by Vegetius

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Madadh 
Posted: 21-Apr-2005, 07:58 AM
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MacE,

Keep 'em comming, makes the day at work go smoother biggrin.gif


--------------------
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Lil 
Posted: 21-Apr-2005, 10:20 AM
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I won't tell her, I promise....you're soooo good at finding bad jokes! Of course not all of them are bad, but it's a moot point. I love them anyway!

Lil
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 26-Apr-2005, 05:43 PM
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Little Johnny is at it again!!



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
" Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew
up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" (out of the mouth of babes.... MacE)

This post has been edited by MacEoghainn on 26-Apr-2005, 05:45 PM
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Madadh 
Posted: 27-Apr-2005, 04:47 AM
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As always MacE you make my morning with these. biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 28-Apr-2005, 06:54 PM
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Here are some serious things to consider!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you started reading this thread in the first place?
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 28-Apr-2005, 06:58 PM
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Thirty Lines to Make You Smile



1. My Wife and I divorced over religious differences..... she thought she

was God and I didn't.



2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.



3. I Work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!



4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.



5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.



7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.



8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.



9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.



10 . I'm not a complete idiot --some parts are missing.



11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneeze, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning Medicine.



13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.



14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



15. Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.



16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!



18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.



19. Procrastinate Now!



20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?



21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!



24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



25. He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead.



26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times

the memory.



27. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a

pig.



28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.



30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.









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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 29-Apr-2005, 06:57 PM
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READ THIS ONE CAREFULLY FROM THE BEGINNING!!!!

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Lil 
Posted: 29-Apr-2005, 11:13 PM
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QUOTE
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


I have one thing to say to this one.............


WALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil


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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 03-May-2005, 05:25 PM
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WARNING!!!! THE JOKE BELOW IS VERY-VERY-VERY BAD! IT MAY EVEN TURN YOUR STOMACH. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!


A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asked,"If you ain't goin to eat that, do ya mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner said, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and
started spooning it in with delight.

He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly said, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too
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Monarchs Own 
Posted: 12-May-2005, 01:27 PM
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Well I just found something nice!

Ever wonder what a Scot wears under his kilt?
Here are two who can tell you for sure...................... biggrin.gif


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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 15-May-2005, 05:34 PM
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The Stupid Test!

sleepy.gif

OK. Pay close attention.
Here is a very simple little test
comprised of four easy questions
to determine the level of your intellect.

yawn.gif

Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate,
with no deliberating or wasting of time.
And no cheating!



On your mark, get set, go...



1: You are competing in a race

and overtake the runner in second place.



In which position are you now?


whistling.gif


Answer: If you answered that you're now in first,

you're wrong!

You overtook the second runner and took his place,

therefore you are now in second place.





For the next question try not to be so dim.



2: If you overtake the last runner,

what position are you now in?





Answer: If you answered second to last,

you are wrong once again.

Think about it...

How can you overtake the person who is last?

If you're behind them, they can't be last.

You would have been last.

rolleyes.gif

It would appear that thinking

is not one of your strong points.



Anyway, here's another question to try.

Don't take any notes or use a

calculator, and remember,

your replies must be instantaneous.


sleepy.gif


3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.

Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.

Plus 1000. And plus 10.

What is the total?


sleep1.gif


Answer: 5000?

Wrong again!

The correct answer is 4100.


Try again with a good calculator.



Today is clearly not your day,

although you should manage

to get the last question right...



4: Marie's father has five daughters:

1. Chacha

2. Cheche

3. Chichi

4. Chocho

5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?



Think quickly...you'll find the answer below..





Answer: Chuchu?

WRONG!

rolleyes.gif

It's obviously Marie!

Read the question properly.

You are clearly the weakest link.
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MacEoghainn 
  Posted: 20-May-2005, 04:20 PM
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If you are Blonde (or Blonde at heart) do not proceed past this point. no.gif

whistling.gif





whistling.gif





whistling.gif





whistling.gif




OK, All the blondes are gone, right? Here we go:



The K9 Patrol

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!' idiot.gif

Name The Capital

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" sleepy.gif

dontgetit.gif
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