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> More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn, I've got more (somebody please stop me!)
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maisky 
Posted: 15-Jun-2006, 05:14 AM
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Now annabelle, put the gun down and back slowwwwly away from it. biggrin.gif

Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif


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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 15-Jun-2006, 05:37 PM
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QUOTE (maisky @ 15-Jun-2006, 06:14 AM)
Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif

There was a sign on the door warning you of the contents of this space. If you didn't pay attention it's your own fault. tongue.gif


PS: Bad jokes have to have a home too!


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"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

"Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum." from "Epitoma Rei Militaris," by Vegetius

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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 22-Jun-2006, 10:00 AM
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She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have
to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I
asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she
needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.....


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ShadowDarkFyre 
Posted: 22-Jun-2006, 10:23 AM
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QUOTE (maisky @ 15-Jun-2006, 11:14 AM)
Now annabelle, put the gun down and back slowwwwly away from it. biggrin.gif

Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif

Can't we all just get along...

laugh.gif cool.gif


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ShadowDarkFyre 
Posted: 22-Jun-2006, 10:25 AM
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QUOTE (TheCarolinaScotsman @ 22-Jun-2006, 04:00 PM)
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have
to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I
asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she
needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.....

Not coming back... You're lucky she's not coming back... with the gun the guys above were talking about using...

tongue.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif cool.gif
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 27-Jun-2006, 06:29 PM
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A friend sent this to me.

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes.
And there are unisex jokes.

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....









"Clean my house." unsure.gif

Ok I give up. The ladies will have to explain this one to me. I thought it was so sad that I almost started to cry.gif
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MDF3530 
  Posted: 03-Jul-2006, 01:26 AM
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Here's a good one I got from Beliefnet:

Guess Which One I'm Going to Marry

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."


--------------------
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May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.


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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 07-Jul-2006, 06:25 PM
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Politics Live or Jester's Court? Hmmmmm unsure.gif

Oh well, the Jester's Court lost the coin toss so here it goes: tongue.gif biggrin.gif

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (or there is hope for some of you after all)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major piece of legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Senator Barbara Boxer of California. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

President Bush pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator John McCain of Arizona, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
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restless 
Posted: 18-Jul-2006, 05:37 AM
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1. Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for Ŗ5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be Ŗ10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

2.A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 20-Jul-2006, 06:03 PM
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Solve this riddle (if you can!)

You are in a car traveling at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine fireman2.gif traveling at the same speed as you. unsure.gif

In front of you is a giant galloping pig huh.gif which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you and the fire engine.

What must you do to extract yourself from this dangerous situation? fear.gif

Scroll down for the answer......







whistling.gif










whistling.gif







Give up yet? sad.gif I'll give you some more time.





whistling.gif










whistling.gif











whistling.gif










Ok, Time's up!




Get off the childrens Merry-Go-Round- You're drunk!!!
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stevenpd 
Posted: 25-Jul-2006, 04:56 PM
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Why you should never take a man with you when shopping at Wal-Mart!

Dear Mrs. Sutherland,

Over the past six months, your husband, Sut, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Sutherland have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

=================================================

MEMO

Re: Mr.Sutherland--Complaints--15 Things Mr. Sutherland has done while his wife Judi is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION--WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


--------------------
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Dear Lord, lest I continue in my complacent ways, help me to remember that someone died for me today. And if there be war, help me to remember to ask and to answer "am I worth dying for?" - Eleanor Roosevelt

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 26-Jul-2006, 06:31 AM
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Erchie, a lifelong Rangers supporter, had great Centre Stand tickets for the Celtic v Rangers Scottish Cup Final.

As he was sitting down, a fellow Rangers supporter came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "Naw," Erchie said,"the seat is empty."

"That's incredible!"said the man. "Who in their right mind would huv a seat like that furra Scottish Cup Final and no use it? Especially as Rangers are aboot tae gie thae Tims a right guid hammering."

"Well,actually,the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away." said Erchie. "This is the first Scottish Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Och......I'm really sorry tae hear that.That's terrible so'tis. but could ye no find someone else - a pal, a relative, or even a neighbour tae take the seat?"

Erchie shook his head.

"Naw, they're all at the funeral."
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MacEoghainn 
Posted: 26-Jul-2006, 05:44 PM
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Questions Dear Abby couldn't answer...Sometimes the American brain can astound and stump even Dear Abby...

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my
VCR?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost but don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? (If anyone has the answer to this one I'd like to hear it! MacE unsure.gif )

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.

Now what do I do?
*******************************************************************
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crazykiltedcelt 
Posted: 28-Jul-2006, 02:51 PM
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got this one from Marti64 on an e-mail thought i'd share it:

A POLITE WAY TO PEE!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michzel said, "Just a minute I have to go pee"

The teacher respondedby saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said "I sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you little Jimmy,can use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:"Darling,may I please be excused for a moment?I have to shake hands with a very old friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."


--------------------
shout freedom and loose the legs of woe

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crazykiltedcelt 
Posted: 28-Jul-2006, 02:53 PM
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QUOTE (crazykiltedcelt @ 28-Jul-2006, 01:51 PM)
got this one from Marti64 on an e-mail thought  i'd share it:

A POLITE WAY TO PEE!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having  dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michzel said, "Just a minute I have to go pee"

The teacher respondedby saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said "I sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you little Jimmy,can use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:"Darling,may I please be excused for a moment?I have to shake hands with a very old friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

forgot the puch line The teacher fainted!!
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