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> The Wart, An epic battle b/w a man and his foot.
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oldraven 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 10:20 AM
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ZodiacHazel

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This is my first ever piece of non-fiction, as well as my first satire. I wrote it in a fit of boredome at work one day. wink.gif

The Wart
An epic battle between a man and his foot

In the beginning, there was nothing???? but a normally calloused heel. One day, after several strenuous weeks going to the gym, which consisted of spending whole hours, sometimes up to twice a week, looking at machines and writing his progress in his log, his fiancée got a plantar wart. No issue was made. She simply filed away at night, and applied cream twice a day. The illness was cured within a matter of weeks.

Nothing could prepare him for what came next. Despite the fact that he had avoided public showers all of his life, he could not escape the wart. It found him. ?She? had spread the disease through their very own shower, and now he was infected. ?How could this be happening??, came the mental cries. ?Oh, woe is me. You never think it will happen to YOU!?, he would stress.

Days went by, and the wart grew to an unfathomable size. It had to have been at least three millimeters across. Weeks passed, and his worries grew with the rooted lump. What would he do? How would he cope?

?Dear, this thing?s getting bigger.?, he said to the perpetrator. She looked at the wart with disgust and said something unforgivable.

?Gross! Get rid of that. I don?t want to catch it!?

She dared!

The incident was nearly the end of them.

Days later, she produced a small cardboard box from a plastic bag. It was like magic. ?How did you do that?? he said in amazement. She gave him a puzzled look, which usually means 'what is your issue?', but today was puzzlement, and handed him the box. It was like Christmas, just without the pouting. He read the text, that was ever so carefully written on the side. It must have taken months to get the lettering so perfect. Plantar Wart Cream, it said. She was so good to him, he thought for a moment, just before remembering where he got the wart from in the first place. There was at least two minutes of the cold shoulder to follow. She continued to stir the pasta.

?It?s not working.? He said. She replied the next day with, ?Here?. Another gift? Dr. Scholl's Clear Away Plantar, Salicylic Acid Wart Remover for Feet 24 ea. ?I hope this works. The last stuff tasted awful.?

But it didn?t.

-Chapter 2

?Morning.?

?zzzz?

?Gah! My foot itches like mad! What IS that thing??

?zzzz* Wha??

?What is this??

?It?s a Plantar Wart. Dear, you?ve had that for three months.?

?Oh yeah.? He gave her the cold shoulder for a while longer this time. And it would have been torture for her, had she not gone straight back to sleep. ?Fine!? he said, as he went to the basement to watch the Speed Channel.

Every night the eye would stare at him. He could almost hear the root laughing. But one day she ran into the room, frantically pressing the power button on the remote. ?You?re going to be late for your appointment.?

?What appointment??

?The one for your foot.?

?Ah, I see.? He watched the TV for a moment longer.

?Well, get dressed. I?m not going to listen to you complain about that thing forever.?

He readied himself and left for the doctor an hour later. When he arrived, the doctor poked and prodded at his foot for a few minutes, asking questions that were far too complicated. ?You can try duct tape.?

Finally a solution that made sense. ?Apply the cream, and cover with a piece of duct tape for seven days. The wart should be removed then with a very large patch of dead heel.?

Then the q-tip happened. ?Ah, it burns!?

?Yes. I just told you it would. Now hold still.?

Three treatments later, nothing had changed, except for a growing fear of cleaning his ears, and missing out on a few ball games due to being lame.

Nothing changed, but a huge hole in his foot, with a regularly sized wart in the middle.

Then he forgot about it until about six months later, when he thought to look. It was gone, from both feet. He had done nothing for six months, and it just went away. But for a year and more he took treatment after treatment, which was a great strain on the family of two humans, a large dog, and two annoying cats, with no affect for the better.

?I?m never going back to Dr. Scholl again.?

?What are you talking about now??

?Nothing dear.? He said with a twinkle in his eye. ?Nothing at all.?


--------------------
Caw

"I am a Canadian by birth, but I am a Highlander by blood and feel under an obligation to do all I can for the sake of the Highlanders and their literature.... I have never yet spoken a word of English to any of my children. They can speak as much English as they like to others, but when they talk to me they have to talk in Gaelic."

-Alexander Maclean Sinclair of Goshen (protector of Gaelic Culture)

We need more Stan Rogers.

jams
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Aaediwen 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 11:16 AM
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ZodiacHolly

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Funny smile.gif Doesn't flow perticularly well, but it's funny to read as he battles with the evil mass on his foot. Does feel a little rough to read though


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oldraven 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 12:23 PM
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ZodiacHazel

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Yes, it's quite choppy. But it works as a self portrait of sorts. ADD gives you completely random thoughts, that you keep with for a very short time, until someone changes the channel again. Still trying to find the bastard with the remote. tongue.gif So this is my thought process, and since the main character is me, I think it suits the situation, as it is narated by me as well.

Anyway, I know what you mean. I went through it later, and it had a very staccato feel to it. That's what happens when you don't proofread or edit. tongue.gif This is and likely will remain a first draft. I save real effort for pieces that are worthy of it.
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dragonboy3611 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 01:29 PM
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ZodiacBirch

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Now I only wonder how in the world you came up with the idea for this story! Quite amazing! As the two other constructive critism posters, oldraven and Aaediwen, said it is choppy.....but of course...some of mine may be worse wink.gif


--------------------
"Men at some time are masters of their fate"
Jul Caesar, Act i, Sc.2

"When sorrow comes, they come not single spies, but in battalions"
Hamlet, Act iv, Sc.5

"All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity"
Hamlet, Act i, Sc.2
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dragonboy3611 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 01:29 PM
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Whoops I was confusing people again...just Aaediwen!
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oldraven 
Posted: 21-Jan-2005, 01:38 PM
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I came up with the story one day after waking up and seeing my plantar wart was gone. tongue.gif It's entirely true..... more or less. wink.gif
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dragonboy3611 
Posted: 22-Jan-2005, 10:30 AM
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lol! Well that's one way too come up with a great story idea tongue.gif !
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Aaediwen 
Posted: 22-Jan-2005, 12:51 PM
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Just married and already having fits over a wart....

/me shakes his head

Maybe I shouldn't try
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dragonboy3611 
Posted: 22-Jan-2005, 02:53 PM
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Is that what marriage can do to you? jawdrop.gif
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oldraven 
Posted: 23-Jan-2005, 01:21 AM
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ZodiacHazel

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Remember, guys. Satire. laugh.gif Marriage? No. It's great, I guarantee. This kind of shows the banter though, after living with someone for five years. And this is the story through the eyes of the man with an over active immagination, and great lapses in conciousness. Now THAT is life after getting married. You sort of evolve into the goofy husband that calls young lads 'sport', or lassies 'missy', and always leaving your wife with the feeling that you could be doing SOMETHING around the house. tongue.gif I see it as, if I have time to re-calk the tub, then I have time for a beer and 'Trucks'. laugh.gif

Or fuming about a wart. unsure.gif
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