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> Crimson Oblivion, Good bye Celtic...its been fun
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urian 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 12:22 AM
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A young man stumbles up three flights of stairs to a lonely 16x16 effeciency apartment. The day's drama still on his mind. Upset at the loss of his job, tired of beaing told he's wortless and a liar by the woman he was married to. Weary of the ever increasing realization of the futility of his life he unlocks the door to the apartment and strips naked in the living area and heads to the bathroom.
He runs his ritual bath water, turns on the sink and finds the clippers he'd put away months ago.He'd been trying to grow his hair out and making good progress but now(along with everything else) it felt pointless.
With each stroke of the blade over his head he remembered one more reminder of how utterly unneeded he was. He had been struggling against the tide for sometime yet steadily going under. He was tired of fighting.
He finished with the clippers and lathered his scalp up and shaved his head bald. It was always such a wonderfully simple pleasure when he did that. Now, though, it seemed to empty..so hollow...like the rest of his life.
He knicked himself several times but didn't bother to stop the bleeding. He let it run down his head, sting his eyes, and drop into the drain.
After he finished he made his way back into the living room and picked up the phone to call his exwife. He did miss her..and was so sorry that everything had come to this. He got her voice mail and , in a cracked and tired tone, he simply said:"Lost my job. GUess you'r eright. I am a loser. Good bye."
He walked back towards the bathroom picking up an old package along the way. The water was so warm and inviting when he turned the faucet off. He was about to step into it when he paused for a moment to watch how each drop made ripples that effected the surface of the water. He started thinking that , maybe, he made ripples in his life as well...effected people and made a change in someone's life. He watched until he saw one water drop that fell flat. Made no ripple and just faded away.
"that's me" He thought" No ripple. nothing"
He opened the package he had brought with him and produced an exacto knife that he'd picked up for crafts purposes and crawled into the bath.
With no remorse he opened the arteries on both of his inner elbows and the ones on his inner thighs as well. It stung for just a moment but the warm water helped him to relax. His thoughts drifted to wondering about who would miss him and would would mourn. Then he remembered the drop of water and snickered at himself, once again saying:"No ripple."
As his blood dripped and poured into the water he watched the world fade into a crimson oblivion and he ,along with it, finally knew peace.




this is my way of coping right now...too much going on and I cant handle it anymore...I am not going to end my life..but..I feel sooo very helpless right now...
Good bye all..I love you all..mayhap I will return eventually...

Peace be with you
Urian Shokar Lightbringer
Michael Ray Lovell jr


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'Dying for being different is still better than living as a Sheep'-anon
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3Ravens 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 12:51 AM
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Read my PM, my friend. I am here if you need me!


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If age is a learning experience, I should be a genius by now...
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gaberlunzie 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 01:33 AM
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I sent you an email, my friend. Take my hand.


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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 02:45 PM
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Sent you a PM. Mean every word of it. You have nothing but friends here.
Bill


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TheCarolinaScotsman


Ya'll drive safe and come back soon.
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emerald-eyedwanderer 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 03:19 PM
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I won't pretend to know what you are going through and I won't pretend we talked a lot, but I do want you to know that people here want to be there for you. And if you need anything we are all here. I hope to see you soon. Stay safe.


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Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you judge people you have no time to love them. ~Mother Teresa


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celtica 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 04:07 PM
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I sent you a PM too. Please take care.
We're all worrying for you.


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Que restera-t-il de notre sang mêlé au sel, sans trace dans les mémoires ? Une ultime navigation, trompeuse. Et des souvenirs, illuminés d'embruns. Mais condamnés au silence de la mer... Loïc Finaz.
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Elspeth 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 04:13 PM
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Urian, my friend, as I have told you before, you are a wonderful caring person who has touched many lives here. You have touched mine. Your ripples effect others in ways you have no knowledge of. BE CERTIAN OF IT!!! I don't care what has happened in your life. Those of us who have been given the opportunity to know the man you are inside are telling you you are a wonderful human being. Don't let mistakes from the past take away your opportunities for the future.
We love you man! Come back and let us know you are OK. We're here.

Elspeth


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Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.
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how can it be called progress?

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Annabelle 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 06:13 PM
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Urian remember my e-mail! There are many tomorrows my friend. Don't throw them away for they are priceless.

Annabelle


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Annham 
  Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 11:38 PM
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Urian,
Please come back and talk to us..
sad.gif sad.gif


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“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

~ Dalai Lama
21st century spiritual and political leader of Tibet and Nobel Peace Prize winner (1989)
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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 18-Sep-2004, 11:43 PM
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Michael-

I truly wish that I had some magic words or arcane formula that would make every thing better for you and make the problems go away, but unfortuanatley I don't. All I have to offer you are my friendship and prayers. And I freely give you both. You have made many friends here who care about you and want to lend a hand, myslef amongst the rest! Elspeth is right, we DO love you! You're part of our family now, and families take care of each other! PLEASE feel free to e-mail me anytime. I have broad shoulders and patient ears and would love to help in any way I can! Just hang in there, okay? We're all worried about you and care deeply!

And anyone who would tell you that you are worthless or a loser OBVIOUSLY has never bothered to try to get to know you! Otherwise they would know just how wrong they are!

I love you, my friend! And I care.
Allen R. Alderman


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Slàn agus beannachd,
Allen R. Alderman

'S i Alba tìr mo chridhe. 'S i Gàidhlig cànan m' anama.
Scotland is the land of my heart. Gaelic is the language of my soul.
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urian 
Posted: 19-Sep-2004, 01:32 AM
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I'm alive.
I am an emotional cripple.
I have spent my life being there for everyone else. Trying to be the shoulder and strength for everyone else.
I dont know how to lean on anyone. Its been my experience that when I lean I tend to drag others down.
SO..the only way I know how to deal with things is to withdraw. I dont know how else to do things.
Its funny. People have come up to me worried about me and I end up trying to help them with their problems...


I have been fighting a losing battle on many fronts and the loss of my job was one of the final blows. Suddenly, everything is askew..child support, rent, my place in this world.(I was raised that a man is nothing if he isnt working)..my own worth
I know there are hands reaching out...I know that...but I cant reach for them...I am busy being there for others...at the same time I am devoting my strength to being there for my freinds, the strength I need to carry on is being depleted...
so...I withdraw...only thing I know to do..only thing that feels comfortable...
only thing that feels right.

in the end..it doesnt matter how many people love you...if you look in the mirror and see the monster..then that is waht you are...

good night ,celtic
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WizardofOwls 
Posted: 19-Sep-2004, 01:03 PM
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Hi again!

I just wanted to tell you that I don't see you as a monster! You are a really nice guy who has had many good and positive things to say to people here! You've cheered people up when they were down, added your well-wishes to those who were having problems as well as just being an all-around cool guy! I wish I could figure out some way to help you out of this pit, but I can't. All I can tell you is that no matter how you see yourself, God loves you anyway! Hang in there my friend! One of my favorite verses from the Bible (and I cna't rmember where it came from just now) is "Weeping endureth fo a night, but joy cometh in the morning!" Hang on, my friend and remember, its always darkest jsut before the dawn!
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Annham 
Posted: 19-Sep-2004, 11:29 PM
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Urian,
You should go to a doctor about your feelings - don't just try to suffer through it. There are many medications now that will help you out of it. Thanks for letting us know you are still with us. Please keep us posted.
Anne
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urian 
Posted: 20-Sep-2004, 09:48 AM
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Its ok, wizard. I will survive...always have.

Ann,
A a 16 year sufferer of epilepsy I have found that oft times the cure is worse than the disease in regards to medications. PLus, I have had many friends on meds and seen the "side effects". A little solitude, quiet, and balance in my life is just the thing that ,I hope, will do the trick.
but..*BIG HUGS*..thank you...I will keep you posted
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susieq76 
Posted: 20-Sep-2004, 10:00 AM
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Hey Urian,

You are so loved and appreciated here. I understand the need to withdraw, and have had to do so myself in order to survive. We will be here when you come back, and hopefully your friends will be able to see that you need them as much as they need you. Just remember to take very good care of yourself, and only do what you can do - don't beat yourself up about the rest. Trust me - I know all about that! We are praying for you, and for all the things going on around you. Let us know if you need anything at any time!

Susanna


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"Alas for those who never sing and die with all their music left in them" - Oliver Wendell Holmes
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