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> 15 Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin, Need I say more?
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SCShamrock 
  Posted: 16-Jun-2004, 05:24 PM
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1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names like Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis etc. or we'll just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rats ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-UP, or whatever....it's still Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a good ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgement (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick hes/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8 ) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will your ass kicked for sure.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot, (right after it gets kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box......minus your ass.


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The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1859

Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
~Mark Twain
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tsargent62 
Posted: 16-Jun-2004, 05:50 PM
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Violent little bunch of hicks, aren't ya? tongue.gif


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peckery 
Posted: 16-Jun-2004, 06:03 PM
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I guess group readings of Tolstoy in the park are out. king.gif
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urian 
Posted: 16-Jun-2004, 06:55 PM
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I am a native southerner and I have traveled, and lived, all over the country. Nowhere beats the south...well...except maybe Ireland and scotland.

YEHAAA!


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gtrplr 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 09:33 AM
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American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God!


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Shamalama 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 09:39 AM
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I can't decide whether SCShamrock's post is Humor or a Public Service Announcement.

Believe me, I've tried to 'lose' my southern accent. In formal situations I usually do OK. But around family (or after a few wee drams) I instantly revert to the y'alls and ain'ts.

There are tons to enjoy about Southerners. Yeah, we have our bad points, but we've got lots of good points.

Ain't nothing finer than finishing a supper of eggs and grits and red-eye gravy, settling down in your rocking chair on the front porch (with your dog at your side), and watching the sun go down behind the corn field. Sipping a wee dram (sometimes of 'home-grown'), enjoying God and nature, and whittling on a stick.

Born American by birth, born a Southerner by the grace of God.



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oldraven 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 10:15 AM
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So, what's with this north vs. south crap that's taken over our boards, anyway?


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-Alexander Maclean Sinclair of Goshen (protector of Gaelic Culture)

We need more Stan Rogers.

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MDF3530 
  Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 01:17 PM
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Can we Northerners at least tell you the correct way to cook bratwurst biggrin.gif ? It's called "Sheboygan Style", after the town in Wisconsin. First, you put the brats in a pot of beer for about 30 minutes & let them marinate. Then, you boil it in the beer marinade for about 5-10 minutes. Finally, grill until ready to eat. If you like, you may add some warm barbecue sauce.


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Caldwell 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 01:26 PM
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You mean to tell me there are states between New York and California?!?! tongue.gif

Deep South Jokes:

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

What are the longest three years of an Southern student's life?
.........His freshman year.

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Are those going to get my a** kicked? wink.gif


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Irish Stepper 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 01:50 PM
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Well, let's take MCI Worldcom off of #5. Ole Bernie Ebbers started doing dumb-a** things and lost all of his sense. rolleyes.gif

And yes, Caldwell, that will get your a** kicked. laugh.gif


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SCShamrock 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 01:59 PM
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QUOTE (oldraven @ 17-Jun-2004, 10:15 AM)
So, what's with this north vs. south crap that's taken over our boards, anyway?

My idea. The crap's supposed to be fun. Sorry if you aren't having any. sad.gif
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gtrplr 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 02:09 PM
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Especially for you, Caldwell! tongue.gif

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK CITY WHEN...

* You think Central Park is "nature."

* You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

* You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

* You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

* You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

* Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

* You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

* $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

* You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

* Your door has more than three locks.

* You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

* The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

* You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.
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oldraven 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 02:10 PM
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Doesn't bother me. Just sounds like another reason to put people at odds to me. mellow.gif But I'm not part of the whole thing, so perhaps I'm just not seeing it the same way you guys are.
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Richard Bercot 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 02:11 PM
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I am just wondering if I am a Good Ole Southern Boy trapped in a Northern State.

I too prefer the Out of doors compared to any City, even the one I live in with a Population just under 100.

I was alway taught to respect our elder, give them your seat, and hold the doors open for anyone coming through the door. It is only being polite. wink.gif

As far as Grits, that is one thing you can keep down there. I don't have a quote; Breakfast meal. I love my Sausage Gravy and Biscuits with Fried Taters 24 hours a day. tongue.gif

I guess I just live in one of the middle states and take the Best of Both Worlds.

Does this mean that I am going to get my a** kicked? unsure.gif



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SCShamrock 
Posted: 17-Jun-2004, 02:43 PM
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QUOTE (MDF3530 @ 17-Jun-2004, 01:17 PM)
Can we Northerners at least tell you the correct way to cook bratwurst biggrin.gif ? It's called "Sheboygan Style", after the town in Wisconsin. First, you put the brats in a pot of beer for about 30 minutes & let them marinate. Then, you boil it in the beer marinade for about 5-10 minutes. Finally, grill until ready to eat. If you like, you may add some warm barbecue sauce.

Sounds good to me, for sure!

There seems to be some angst over my little Southerner posts here. So let me set something straight now before there is a misunderstanding.

I am a trucker by trade. Now I run locally here in South Carolina, but for many years I was over-the-road. I had many opportunities to get out and enjoy the local life in many towns "up North" over the years. Here's a few things I learned.

Northerners have some pretty tight-knit communities. Even in large cities like New York, Boston, Chicago, Philadelphia; there's that small town atmosphere you think to find only in small towns. The big difference here is that instead of knowing everyone in your little town, they know everyone on their street; which by the way could be quite a lot of folks.

Northerners might not like grits and biscuits and gravy, but they know how to eat too. The many different breads, soups, sauces, pastas, meats, fish; they're all to be enjoyed. And my are they good.

Northern boys seem to have a better handle on sports than we do. As a matter of fact, I just quit talking sports with them all together because my conversational contributions stuck mostly to current sports analysis, while they were walking sports encyclopedias.

Northerners have the best pubs. Down here we have a plethora of redneck bars, and you can be sure that on every Friday and Saturday night someone will lose a few teeth in each and every one of them. Up north on the other hand, you can find the same thing, but it's more of a rarity. What you actually find are gatherings of friends, casually unwinding to good music, good conversations, and good libations. Oh boy, I think I laid this one on a little thick. beer_mug.gif

The farther north you go the better the hunting and fishing. Heck, we would think we'd died and gone to heaven if we caught the kind of fish you guys have up yonder. Northern pike, muskie, walleye (otherwise known as manna from heaven biggrin.gif ) salmon, these are all fantastic fish, and great fun to catch.

Ok, I hope this sets the record straight. For me, the whole North/South thing is just for fun and no mature person should get exercised over it. I like joking around and sharing my off-center views, but I'm new here and if this is the wrong room for it I need to be told. Otherwise, I'll just keep on being me. Thank you for your continued support. thumbs_up.gif
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