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> Adoption And Its Impact On Family!, How has it affected your life?
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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 17-Feb-2009, 09:44 PM
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I have been pondering that subject for a while now and quite frankly didn't know how to approach it but then I guess there is no special way except expressing it in my own words.

I am sure that some of you were adopted or have adopted siblings and I am curious to know how it has affected you and your family's life? Did you always have that curiosity feeling and wonder who and where you come from? Has your adopted parents supported you and how did you come to know you were adopted?

Here is the place to share your experiences of life as an adopted kid.

This bit is my story.

I was adopted at the age of 9 months old and am the only one so in my family.For my adopted parents I was and still is their "treasure" because for them I was "the" choosen one. But as much as they loved me as their daughter it was not so from certain individuals on my father's side of family. I learned that I was adopted by accident at the age of 9 (actually the number 9 was so ever present my whole life and still is...hmmm!). At that time my dad gave me some papers to play with on the kitchen table but there was one envelope that he forgot to take away from the box.
Quite the shock as even at 9 one can easily read his or her name on papers.And quite the shock for my parents when I asked "the" question...if what was written on the paper was my real name...all I remember from that instant was some cake dough flying all around and the papers actually riped from my hands and sent to my room.WOW!
And my parents in complete termoil as I heard them in the kitchen as my mom almost chopped my dad to pieces...anyways..mistakes happens!!!

But even before that revelation I was very aware of some particular attitudes towards me from members of my family...what I mean by family is some uncles, aunts and of course my grandmother on my father's side. Whom I mentioned in the thread "grand parents" was not fond of me at all...she was a woman with hard and cruel prejudices and would clearly state them out in the open and right in someone's face.
To her I was a "bastard" and a whore's daughter and thus I would be and she would always ask my parents how could they me as theirs. She was ignorant and didn't know any better.

All I can say is that you don't have to be of different nationality or culture to feel the brunt of bigotry...you only have to be an innocent who happened to be born on the wrong side of the blanket and who didn't ask to be born in the first place.
Though as a child I suffered rude and cruel comments I didn't not understand it all in my child's head thus didn't know how to respond to that except only to see it as she and they just didn't like me...so as any normal kid who feels the animosity from a grown up would do was to try to be near them and get attention by offerings (drawings and such) or nice words...big mistake...it would always end up in disaster...tears of rejection.

So growing up with this kind of rejection was not good for one's self estime...and what was left for me to was escape and that escape was that I found myself far better friends...solitude and animals. Solitude because I was by myself so solitude could not reject me and animals because they give you love without conditions and love you for who you were no matter where you came from and so on....that was my world.
So in a way it has affected my parents as well very much as they saw me, their daughter who was always by herself and even with all the encouragement in the world from them I would simply stay that way until of course I met my husband.

They always knew that somehow there was an emptyness and a void in me.
They have always supported me and understood the need to discover my roots...my biological parents...my curiosity was so strong that it was almost choking.The fact that I could not and would not be able to know who they were and where I came from. I did some research in the past via a priest who knew my biological parents but that is a long story for winter nights.

This feeling of curiosity was and still is very strong and this past Christmas I had a phone call from the Social services for adopted children in Montreal and I talked for a long time with the agent and told her that they have revived this "old flame" in my heart and since I am near my 50th birthday...well I think it's time for me to find peace within myself and to forgive in my heart...to let go of all this rebellion and suffering...even though I know very well that it can all end up to nothing and they would simply refuse to see me...well at least I'll know where I stand.

So, I finally signed all the paperwork and they will start the research for my biological parents...this can take as long as 1 month or 2,3 years they don't know but at least the paperwork is done and besides as I said before the number 9 is ever so present in my life especially this year as I am now 49 and will turn 50 on the 29-09-2009...it better be my lucky year!!! I'll keep my fingers crossed.


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 01:48 AM
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LOA,
I can't speak for my brother(the adopted one), but as kids I defended him from bullies and then bullied him as a big brother is supposed to do. It made no difference to me. What DID affect our relationship was the 8 years in our ages. When I was in high school he was an annoying little kid. When I came home from the Army he was a stupid teenager. Then he joined the Navy and was gone for 3 years. What has impeded our relationship was age. That and he married a @#$%^ that I couldn't tolerate!
So I would say his being adopted was less a factor in our relationship than age.


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valpal59 
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 10:26 AM
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LOA,
I will also keep my fingers crossed that this is your lucky year.
I am so sorry that things were so hard for you. I cannot begin to imagine.
Wow. I am 2 months to the day older than you. My birthday is July 29 and I will also be 50. That is just way too cool. thumbs_up.gif

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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 12:43 PM
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Dogshirt,

Good to hear that between you and your sibling there was no difference because of who he was and that in your eyes he was your brother.With my siblings (though all my brothers and sisters would never made any allusions to the contrary that I'm not their "big sister") it was not always so when younger unfortunately...but it's always the same with kids...as they can be very mean towards each other and not being aware of the consequences of their words.

I will admit that it was not always fun for my parents as we got into fierce fightings sometimes because it would hurt me but today any of my sisters even though younger than me and my brothers would protect and defend me as you did for your brother if anyone would even think of whispering the "B" word again.


And Val,

All can say is that it's all in the past for sure some will say...but it still leaves one with deep wounds inside but then again it must not take precedence over your life...one must move on and only do the best one can...and try not to think on it all the time otherwise life can become unbearable and miserable.

Thanks for the kind words and I will mark down your birthday so that I won't forget it...you know 50 is near that age where "memory failures" occurs more and more...wheelchair.gif


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 01:00 PM
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I THINK I remember turning 50........ wink.gif


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Camac
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 02:41 PM
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I grew up with a step-father never knowing my real one

Camac who died in 1944 from wounds sustained when his tank took a direct hit. I was 9 when I found out that Ray wasn't my father. I had always wondered why my name was different from my Mom and Dads. Theirs was McArthur and mine was Campbell-McArthur. My Mom just use to say it was a special name. My Mom never talked about her first husband David and what I came to know about him I was told by my Moms older sister Kathy. Never much worried about it until I turned 60 and then it became almost obsession to find his Family in Scotland. This I did after a few years and in 2007 I went to Dundee to meet my Scottish Family. All of my Fathers' sibling and his Parents were dead but I met his nieces and nephews. All the time I was growing up and living in Canada and being the son of Raymond McArthur I always felt that something was missing. Now I know what it was and am thankful to the fates that let me find the family I never knew. I am also proud to know that as a Campbell I am part of the largest Clan in Scotland and as an adopted MacArthur I am also part of the oldest Clan in Scotland.
               
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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 05:23 PM
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Camac,

Isn't wonderful that the ultimate dream of an adopted child you have done it and you have found your roots and discovered where you came from????
Knowing your blood must be the most incredible feeling and see their faces.

I'm very happy for you as now you know who you are in this world.

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Camac
Posted: 18-Feb-2009, 05:36 PM
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LOA;

Yes it is a great feeling to know who you are and where you come from. You I wish you all the luck in the world in your search and I pray to my Creator that you have success. Don't give up.


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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 23-Feb-2009, 08:46 PM
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This last friday I told my adopted parents of my decision in the research for my biological parents....I did not expect this reaction to say the least.

Maybe it was a mistake altogether telling them I'm not sure.But since they have always supported me in the past and last friday was my dad's birthday well I thought that to tell them was appropriate...so when I told my mom at first she was glad and all and I even asked her if she thought my dad strong enough so that I could tell him and she said yes so I did.

He looked at me with a tight smile and said in a little voice "Oh!That's a good news dear!" if he thought to fool me...he was wrong as I knew what would come next and it did...he broke into tears and my mom as well.
I got up from my chair and held them both in my arms and told them but mostly reassured them that "they" were my parents and always will be no matter the outcome.I explained that I need to close this in my mind once and for all and that now is the time for me to do it and do it the right way.

I guess they kind of panicked and did not expect that revelation from me even though they always supported me and understood I think that deep down they thought or were sure that I would not put into action my desire to find my biological parents.

They took it bad as my mom called me the day after still in tears and my dad too...as they thought that they would loose me as their daughter...
I explained again and it seems now that they have accepted it and sincerely hope that deep in their hearts they know that what I told them was true.

They want to be in this with me and support me and help in any way they can...that's what my dear mom told me over the phone today.
I was glad to hear it.

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Harlot 
Posted: 23-Feb-2009, 09:02 PM
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I can some what understand what you are going though the need to your self,where you come from and who you look like. When I was 19 I find out that I was pregnant and wasn't sure what I wanted too do, looked at all the options and talked with a lady about adoption. I had signed two papers and had one more too sign that would of made it final, well I just couldn't do it, call me selfish I just couldn't do it. My daughter has always know that the man who raised her wasn't her father and she did meet her real dad when she was 18 and they have a very good relationship and his whole family has accepted her as one of the family. I do understand why some people do. They want too give that child the best life they can and by letting a set of parents who so want to have a child they can love that child.
Some friends of my daughter they have adopted two a girl and boy.They tried for one before they got the boy went to Florida when the mother was in labor held that baby for 4 days just too be told she couldn't give it up. Three years went by when they received a call from the adoption agency that they had for the girl saying the mother of her was having another baby and would like to know if they would be interested in this one,can you imagine the luck of having brother and sister. And what is really so neat about this these kids they look just like Jeff,so much so that I had too ask him one day what he's been up too....Now I have 2 grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren and none of them get treated any different from the other.

I hope your dreams all come true and remember all of your parents love you and wanted the best for you.


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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 27-Apr-2009, 05:51 PM
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Though not many have responded to this thread I still think that it is an important issue open to discussion and opinions and I will keep posting as I'll progress into the request I made in the hope to meet my biological parents.

I also want to thank those that have taken the time to reply and posts your encouragements and opinions and your experiences with adopted children in your family.


Today has been one of great surprise to me as I was sitting outside on this gorgeous day reading...the social services called me to report that they have located my biological mother. What a surprise indeed...actually I wasn't prepare to hear this...on the contrary as I saw the number on my phone I said to myself:"Oh! What can they possibly want now..it's too early they said about six months before they would call to let me know where they would be in the research process!!!"
How was wrong!!! It was a social worker and he explained that they have located her and that now the process in really on the move.

I have a meeting this coming Thursday with him as he wants to discuss with me in order to get to know me and also to be able to answer the other party if any questions my come up. So my homework until then is for me to write a letter to my biological mother of some kind of introduction and mostly to tell her to not to be afraid and I will give out some pictures of myself throughout my life so that she can see what I have become from my babyhood to womanhood.

I did not tell my adopted parents yet as I wish to wait and see how this meeting will go and maybe wait for the right time to tell them.As I am not quite certain of my emotions right now...I guess I'm still stunt...but deep inside I am certain more than ever that I am ready to finally seek and find my true place in this world. It be a positive or negative outcome.
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valpal59 
Posted: 28-Apr-2009, 10:53 AM
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LOA, I hope everything goes smoothly for you. All of your friends here stand ready with our support. hug.gif

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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 04-May-2009, 03:06 PM
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QUOTE (valpal59 @ 28-Apr-2009, 10:53 AM)
LOA, I hope everything goes smoothly for you. All of your friends here stand ready with our support.  hug.gif

Val

Thank you very much Val... hug.gif

I went to the meeting on Thursday...and was there for 2 hours talking with the man...and frankly though it was hard sometimes it went well. I was asked to write a letter to my biological mother and gather some pictures of myself throughout my life from baby to womanhood which I did and gave to the man as he will try and contact her in the following weeks.

I sincerely hope that this time will be the right one as all my life all I wanted was to see a familiar face...though again nothing is guarranty that they will accept to meet me at least it's a beginning and with him I will no the thruth not some kind of "make up story" from a third party.

So we'll see what the future holds for me in all of this.
I will keep my fingers cross and wait patiently as I prefer for it to be done slowly instead of too fast and then regret.

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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 07-Jul-2009, 09:40 AM
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Hi all,

Though I haven't been around much this summer and kept this journal to date was due to the fact that I was very busy around the house and also all the work needed to be done for the meeting with my biological parents.

I am very happy to announced that my dream of a lifetime will come true finally and I will meet with them this coming Friday.

To me I see it as the end of a book...it will finally close this chapter of my quest and search for my roots and also hope to heal my biological parents suffering in terms of guilt and sorrow.

I just wanted to share the news with my Celtic Radio's friends who've shown me support and hope in my dream.

Thank you and I will keep you up to date on how it went.

See you all later

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valpal59 
Posted: 07-Jul-2009, 09:51 AM
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LOA,
That is great news. I hope all goes well with the meeting. My thoughts will be with you. Please let us know how it goes. hug.gif

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