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deadeye08 
Posted: 11-Jan-2009, 08:05 PM
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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

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lschillinger 
Posted: 11-Jan-2009, 09:43 PM
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LOL 23 in four hours is my record.

An Irishman called Paddy was drinking at the pub all night. '

It was pretty late and the barkeep came up to him to tell him that the bar was closing. So Paddy stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."



What do you call a redhead with an attitude?

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COURAGE GROWS STRONG AT THE WOUND

"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead."

“Twelve highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion.”


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Patch 
Posted: 12-Jan-2009, 02:47 PM
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Fisherman's Worm
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…

Slàinte,    

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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 12-Jan-2009, 03:23 PM
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Three men walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked.

You just said the jokes had to be clean; you didn't say the couldn't be corny.


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piobmhorpiper 
Posted: 15-Jan-2009, 04:51 AM
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The owner of the drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the blonde sales girl: 'What's with the guy over there by the
wall?'

The blonde responds: 'Well, he came in here this morning to
get something for his cough.I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire bottle of laxative' The owner, wide-eyed and excited
shouts: 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of
laxatives!'The blonde calmly responds: 'Of course you can!, Look at
him, he's afraid to cough.'
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The Scots of course insist that the pipes produce music. But the point is after all not too important. For those who love them, the pipes can evoke more vividly than any other instrument, high emotion, they can inspire valor, and tell of tragic tales of battles long ago. They can call forth merriment or sentiment. It does not matter what the sound is called, those who are deaf to its merits would not understand anyway.
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deadeye08 
Posted: 13-Mar-2009, 11:04 AM
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It was a quiet day in an English pub and a few local blokes were feeling like starting a bit of trouble. Well, just then Paddy Irishman had the misfortune to walk in and order a pint of stout.

One Englishman turns to the other two and says, “I say, let’s get a rise out of Paddy, shall we?” They all agree and one of them walks over to Paddy’s table.

“I hear that St Patrick was a raving drunkard, pissed out of his mind half the time.” the Englishman sneered.

Paddy looked up from his stout, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Ah, now,” before turning away again.

The second Englishman walked over. “The way I heard it, Saint Patrick was a lech and an adulterer.”

Paddy shrugged again, saying “Ah, well,” and appeared not to react to their barbs.

The two Englishmen looked in confusion at the third. The third smiled viciously, as if he knew just the thing required to upset poor Paddy. Standing, he called out,

“I heard that Saint Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!!”

Paddy looked up from his pint for a third time and said, “Sure, weren’t these other two lads just trying ta tell me the same thing!”
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Patch 
Posted: 13-Mar-2009, 11:10 AM
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 23-Mar-2009, 03:43 PM
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There's an old sea story about a Marine lieutenant who inspected his men in the field, and told the 'Gunny' that his men smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that the men should change underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, Sir. I'll see to it immediately!'

The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, 'The Lieutenant thinks you guys stink, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change, with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky. Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!'

The moral of this story:

A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better

Slàinte,    

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