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> Dysfunctional Families, Put the "fun" back in dysfunctional
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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 11:46 AM
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This thread is a carry-over from the depression/suicide thread. Although many of us have family members who might cause us to experience depression or think of suicide, this is not really the main topic. I think there are a lot of us out there with family situations that cause us grief and we just want someone to talk to about things. I'm sure y'all know that none of this is professional advice, just a nice friendly sounding board.



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ctbard 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 12:42 PM
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Well, I don't think my son causes depression, he just ads to the already crappy feeling.


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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 12:48 PM
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My daughter caused such a row in the family last year (right before her 21st birthday, I might add) that she told me she was disowning me. Unfortunately, in order to go along with that (after all, that's what she wants) my 10 year old is now unhappy because I won't invite big sister to little sister's birthday evening at Dave & Buster's. I told the little one that her sister does not want me to be part of her family; therefore, until she changes that situation, there is no reason for me to include her in a family outing.

My dad told me that every family has one black sheep and apparently she's the one in ours. sigh.
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ctbard 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 12:59 PM
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every family it seems has a black sheep, it's so bad that I cant have him at any family get togethers because he has stolen from every one of them and no one wants him around, he's been into drugs, drinking, been to prison already, has 1 child he cant see, doesnt want to see? and two that was given up for adoption, it really bites when someone asks me if I have grand children, what do you say?
I have a daughter thats great, complete opposite of her brother.
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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 01:14 PM
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Yeah, I have six kids. The oldest two (34 and 24) are responsible adults. The 21 year old just looks at life from some other dimension, I guess. When she had her big blow up with me, her friend said that she always felt rejected and never praised for the good things she did. What a crock! This is the daughter who was a dancer for 7 years, who we bragged on and told everyone we knew to come to see her perform. She got her black belt in Kenpo karate and we bragged on her to everyone then. She is a talented costume designer and, most recently, last year our local Borders store let her decorate their display windows for the Harry Potter 7th book release. She did a great job and everyone praised her work. She made a costume for that night and, once again, everyone told her how great it was and how original.

The only thing she's criticized for is not having any ambition. I have given her leads for people who are interested in her work. She never follows up. She is my one homeschooling "dropout" (if you can actually drop out). I encouraged her to study for a GED since I really couldn't in good conscience graduate her. I bought her the materials and told her I would help her - she just won't follow through.

In contrast, her older sister (who was also totally home educated) got scholarships and grants to a private college, graduated Cum Laude from the Honors Program, and has gone on to be an assistant lighting designer for two years at the state theatre of NC. She wanted a break from theatre but, did she move home? No, she got an apartment and went to work for a bookstore where she did some part-time work last year and now she's manager over the cafe. Not big bucks or anything but it shows the girls has the concept of responsibility down, that's for sure.

Another thing about DD#2 is that I was the one person who stuck up for her when she was living with me and I had to rush her to the ER one Sunday morning after she had cut herself up so badly she couldn't stop the bleeding on her arms. I don't know if she's still cutting but now she's smoking. Her dad and older sister wanted to send her away to rehab but I knew that the reason she had ended up in the ER was because she had taken half an Ambien to sleep and, when it didn't help, she took the other half. (Although I had warned her not to. I was afraid it was too potent) She began hearing voices and the voices told her to get all these different items to start cutting herself. She had the serrated bread knife, razor blades, I don't know what else. She snapped out of it when the voices told her to come after me and cut me, too. (I have to wonder if that would stop her now). So, here I was, the one person who just remained calm and took her to the ER, stayed with her through everything, and never criticized her for what happened. This is what I get in return. I guess I should have had her committed. Then she'd actually have something to be pissed about.

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ctbard 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 01:27 PM
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Maybe we could fix my son and your daughter up!! He could give her numerous tattoos, yes, he is a tattoost, and then you also could have many grandchildren you cant see!! Maybe they would get so disgusted with each other that they'd straighten out.
Our daughter is married, owns a home on South lake tahoe, has a fantastic job, also teaches in the evenings, snow boards, mountain bikes, etc, etc, and was treated the same as our sone, so, who knows?
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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 01:30 PM
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What an idea! She has one tattoo, so far. Maybe he could give her a discount for any more she wants.

Talk about kids who need Tough Love!
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ctbard 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 04:01 PM
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You know I always wonder what the heck I did wrong with him, I love him no less then my daughter, but he really a butt pain.
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jime307 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 06:16 PM
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My brother is the Problem in our family, I mean, we love him so much, he has always had some problems with his anger, We tried everything we possibly could in this town, and we don't even know where the Anger sprouts from but it's there. My mom and my Dad have been divorced almost since he was born, but we don't think thats the issue. We sent him off to my Dad's last year to see if he could help him and there was this fellow named Tim who really helped him out, so we thought for one year would make him great, so for his third grade year we let him stay there and get the help and he got better but wasn't perfect, and halfway through the year my Mom decided I should go down there and stay with my Dad to get help too (for what, I haven't the slightest clue) adn so for half a year both my brother and I were in Estes Park, CO. (Note: I HATE Living with my dad, but then I was used to it, he is WAY unhealthy and he doesnt take care of himself adn its sickening adn as I forced to I had to be stuck there doing really nothing for a half a year, no-one at school like me, period because I wasn't a big athlete So I was short-stocked on friends) My mom was going to make us go back for one year after the summer, but it turns out my dad had been lieing to us for the whole summer and he had moved to a different house, lost his job and he still wanted us to go back, my Mom wouldn't stand for that so we went to school here (I was entering sixth grade) and Thank god for that I couldn't have survived down there after the Summer, during which I lost an incredulous amount of weight from my dads, and made quite a few new friends. We tried to let my Brother stay here but he was still too violent, and always refused to do his work and more problems, at first we thought he would make it. By this time My dad had started his own Buisness adn was back on his feet (we think) and so again we let my beloved brother leave where again he became unhealthy yet better mentally. This year, we thought we'd have him back for sure, but it didn't work, he was now very defiant of his teachers and elders, was a little spoiled (ish) brat and still was a little angry. The summer that we had together was one of my best (not because of him though) My mom, being the protective woman she is, made us go to camp and we had to Ride our bikes there, it was nothing for me but fighting with my brother to even get him on his bike is literrally like trying to throw a car 14 miles. He wouldn't DO anything and it made us sad. Now he's back in Estes, and it turns out my dad had Lied to us more, Benji (my brother) hadn't been seeing Tim for the past two years!! Now that infuriated us, because we gave him up so that he would see Tim and get better but it wasn't happening. I can only imagine what poor benji is thinking during all this because its just scary and messy. I feel so sorry for him because he must feel torn, between us here in Jackson and the Few friends he has in Estes, He made a friend, and I swear, they could be complete twins (apart from looks) and so I don't know what he could be going through, I mean I went through the horror of being down there. But not to this extent. He came to visit at Christams, adn we learned, YESTERDAY, that my Dad had once again lied to us and now he had just been going downhill very much since Christmas and that he longed so badly to be back with us, they said that everthing he says Relates to going back to Jackson. I went there for Spring Break last year and I couldn't stand how they lived, I mean, after living there for half a year I had decided to make a change and so I was used to almost always being outside and being fit and eating healthy and when I went back there it was worse than I ever could have thought it, it was just pathetic, my Uncle had moved in. My dad and he drank probably six cans of diet coke a piece each day, ate fast food WAY too much, and NEVER recycled, both of them are diabetics. My brother had gained about 30+ pounds, I was a Major green freak because my Teacher had changed me into being a peaceful hippielike person (like him wink.gif ) and so I spazzed when I saw the garbage can overflowing with cans and stuff, I talked them into recycling (they say they do it, but lying is a tradition to them) I mean I was just there for a while and I felt like I was in hell and that the visit lasted forever. I feel SO bad for poor benji who has to Always live like that. Man, I wish we could have him back......

It's sad to hear these stories, and even sadder to know they're true. I feel for everyone who's ever had family problems, because no-one's life is perfect


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ctbard 
Posted: 29-Feb-2008, 07:20 PM
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I know it's quite sad, everytime the phone rings at night I think it about my son, accident, jail, etc., most of the times it is.
My daughter lives all the way on the opposite coast and I see her more than my sone who lives 1/2 hour away.):
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Rindy 
Posted: 01-Mar-2008, 11:43 AM
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Hi,
I would like to say I don’t think parents should blame themselves for what their grown adult “child” chooses to do in life. You brought them up gave them what you could, now they go on their own in life.
I do think parents need to be there for advise if asked, and listen.

We all have our faults and hopefully we learn from them. Some do some don’t. The love and pain will never go away no matter how old they become-and its hard to give tough love. Follow your heart.

Life doesn’t last forever and that telephone call could happen at any minute. With all of my family members I let them know I love them and things are ok the last time I see them or talk to them as I may not get another chance.

jim307, wow it sounds like you did all that you could and it’s not your fault. You have been through a great deal trying to make things right for your brother. Benji will be ok no matter what. Remember you are not in charge.
This is when my “Gods” box would come in to play. Any box with a lid will do, mine is wood and has a celtic cross on it and I open the empty box put my thought into it close it and know that my higher power or what ever you believe in if you do will handle your problem.
This has got me through so many situations and it really eases my thoughts.

I think sometimes we have situations with in a family that we can’t control and it makes us feel so bad, but the person that has the problem probably doesn’t feel as bad as we do.

So we need to let go and know it will be ok.

This is just my thoughts on the amazing stories you folks are telling as you said jime307 “no ones life is perfect,” as there is no perfect.


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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 04-Mar-2008, 01:13 PM
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I agree, rindy, and tough love is often the way to go. Unfortunately, when one parent does the tough love and the other wimps out, it just creates more problems.

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Rindy 
Posted: 04-Mar-2008, 01:33 PM
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Yes, pretentiouswombat that is so true. Do any of you that have been to counseling, find that counseling helps or does it make you focus about the problems more?

Slainte
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pretentiouswombat 
Posted: 04-Mar-2008, 02:52 PM
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I was going for a while and my daughter finally relented to go but I don't think it helped her much and then she wasn't under our insurance any more and it got too costly. Especially with her not working to help foot the bill.
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Rindy 
Posted: 04-Mar-2008, 02:59 PM
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That would be costly. That would really make you concentrate on the problem..lol.

Slainte
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