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> The He-Man Woman Haters' Club, In response to "Girls Only" Thread
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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 07:52 AM
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 10:44 AM
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A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you
in the service?" the interviewer asks. "Yes, I was
a Marine," responds the applicant. "Did you see
any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for two years
and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what
happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between
my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired.
You can start Monday at 10 a.m." "When does
everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability." "Everyone
else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest
with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to
decide what to do first."

Slàinte,    

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mainopsman 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 11:39 AM
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GREAT

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle' was. The
old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there to begin with.'

JIM (mainopsman)


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mainopsman 
Posted: 19-Jun-2008, 11:54 AM
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I love this Doctor!

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend thelife of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is g getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

JIM (mainopsman)
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j Padraig moore 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 11:49 AM
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OK guys, I thought of this one after seeing my two favorite and most magnificent women in the world (I'll tell you who in a moment).
Name the one woman (or two), that if she walked right up to you, looked you in the eye and said "Run away with me, right now!" Ladies, I know you are peeking in here, so relax! This is all just in fun. Just something fun to think about.

I'll start. Who would I run away with if she asked to go with her?
1. Brooke Shields
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones

'nuff said!
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flora 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 12:05 PM
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I think you guys are feeling left out.



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Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
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In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
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"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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j Padraig moore 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 01:14 PM
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QUOTE (flora @ 17-Oct-2008, 12:05 PM)
I think you guys are feeling left out.

Why did I know that one of you girls would be the first to respond to this question??

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j Padraig moore 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 01:16 PM
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QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 17-Oct-2008, 11:49 AM)
I'll start. Who would I run away with if she asked to go with her?
1. Brooke Shields
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones


And you know what? My wife knows this too!!
(Thats why Mel Gibson is not welcome at our house!)

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valpal59 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 04:42 PM
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QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 17-Oct-2008, 01:16 PM)

[/QUOTE]
And you know what? My wife knows this too!!
(Thats why Mel Gibson is not welcome at our house!)

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

If he happens to come by, would you please send him on to my house. wink.gif


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You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

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Harlot 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 07:04 PM
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Did I hear someone say Mel Gibson,if he's not welcome at your house he sure is at mine. Have you ever seen him in a Kilit naughty.gif jawdrop.gif


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 07:32 PM
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NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


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maggiemahone1 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 08:22 PM
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QUOTE (Dogshirt @ 17-Oct-2008, 07:32 PM)
NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


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guys follow girls everywhere they go... angel_not.gif and I mean everywhere!!! How do I know? I've been married many moons!!!
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 08:25 PM
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I don't follow ANYONE any where! If they can't follow me, then they are LOST!!!


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valpal59 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 08:31 PM
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QUOTE (Dogshirt @ 17-Oct-2008, 07:32 PM)
NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


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I think you just did. whistling.gif
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 17-Oct-2008, 09:22 PM
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She's a babe, but I wouldn't change my life for her! You women think LIFETIME.
Guys think WEEKEND!


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