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> The He-Man Woman Haters' Club, In response to "Girls Only" Thread
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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 01-Apr-2008, 05:54 PM
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QUOTE (lawrence50 @ 10-Mar-2008, 10:23 AM)
One reason beer is better than a woman.

Beer doesn't get mad when you come home with beer on your breath!

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j Padraig moore 
Posted: 02-Apr-2008, 06:31 AM
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QUOTE (mainopsman @ 01-Apr-2008, 01:37 PM)
One of the best "Guy" shows that has ever been on TV was the Canadian show "Red Green". Its humor was one that a guy could really relate too. Now if you had a Guiness while you watched it was even funnier.

JIM (mainopsman)

Our local PBS affiliate has just stopped showing The Red Green Show, after many years of airing the program on Saturday nights. My boys have become big fans of Red, Harold and the other boys from Possum Lodge. We have a couple of compilation dvds. The show stopped production in 2005, I believe. Great show!

BTW, previously I posted that an independent TV station in my area was showing original Star Trek episodes, with updated special effects. Well, they stopped doing that. My wife commented they were probably just using it as a "filler" at the end of the football season.
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Apr-2008, 11:08 AM
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THE BUNNY

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts er hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

Jim (mainopsman)


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 09-Apr-2008, 01:26 AM
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UlsterScotNutt 
Posted: 09-Apr-2008, 04:05 PM
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QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 02-Apr-2008, 06:31 AM)
QUOTE (mainopsman @ 01-Apr-2008, 01:37 PM)
One of the best "Guy" shows that has ever been on TV was the Canadian show "Red Green".  Its humor was one that a guy could really relate too. Now if you had a Guiness while you watched it was even funnier.

JIM (mainopsman)

Our local PBS affiliate has just stopped showing The Red Green Show, after many years of airing the program on Saturday nights. My boys have become big fans of Red, Harold and the other boys from Possum Lodge. We have a couple of compilation dvds. The show stopped production in 2005, I believe. Great show!

BTW, previously I posted that an independent TV station in my area was showing original Star Trek episodes, with updated special effects. Well, they stopped doing that. My wife commented they were probably just using it as a "filler" at the end of the football season.

I've never seen the Red Green show but I have several, like 3 different people tell me I look like Red Green!!!
He must be a very handsome man!!! laugh.gif tongue.gif
All I know about him is he is Canadian and uses duct tape alot!! My kinda guy!! smile.gif


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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato(427-347 BC) Philosopher and Educator

Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. Henry James (1843-1916) Writer

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire
kind people. -Abraham Joshua Heschel (1907-1972) Theology Professor
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mainopsman 
Posted: 12-Apr-2008, 07:19 AM
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Courses at the University suggested by the ladies:

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
November 20, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost

Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day!


JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 13-Apr-2008, 11:14 AM
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MAN's BEST FRIEND:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 13-Apr-2008, 11:18 AM
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WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who wants to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

and always be my very best friend.

_______________________________________________

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
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mainopsman 
Posted: 13-Apr-2008, 11:26 AM
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We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

JIM (mainopsman)
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jime307 
Posted: 17-Apr-2008, 12:48 AM
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well made me laugh all right!


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Patch 
Posted: 22-Apr-2008, 10:26 PM
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Were it not for women, I would not have found the strength to live this long!!!!

Slàinte,        

Patch
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mainopsman 
Posted: 28-Apr-2008, 10:32 AM
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Jim (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 28-Apr-2008, 10:53 AM
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sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas
,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Jim (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 28-Apr-2008, 10:55 AM
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A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Jim (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 28-Apr-2008, 11:02 AM
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George is doing fine

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests
come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eye sight, so he's fixed it so when I get
up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof.... the light goes on.
When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."

" Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call
you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof....
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when
he's done, poof....the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

Most of us older guys will understand this joke!
Jim (mainopsman)
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