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valpal59 
Posted: 02-Dec-2008, 05:12 PM
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This would be me. LOL
________________________



A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

_____________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!


Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

_______________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________


FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

_______________________________



I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!












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Siobhan Blues 
Posted: 03-Dec-2008, 10:50 AM
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Ooooh, that is a RIOT!!

SB


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"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king..."
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flora 
Posted: 06-Dec-2008, 06:51 PM
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I had to go back and reread all the pages. They are just as good as a Girls Night Out. As I sit here posting, my weight machine gathers dust in the corner. I know January is looming so close and the battle to lose the weight will begin again. I find that I have to devote more time then I have available during the day to get less weight off. Has anyone come up with a good battle plan? My periods seem to be skipping every other month and the hot flashes are getting worse at night. There should be a diet pill specifically for menopausal women. Has anyone gotten good results with a certain diet pill? If so, please share the info.

Flora


--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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valpal59 
Posted: 07-Dec-2008, 08:13 AM
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Flora, Welcome to the peri-menopausal group. I have an exercise bike that pretty much just gathers dust. I really need to get back on it. I work in a large building that all of the offices form a big square. If it is slow, I'll walk around it at a brisk pace as often as I can. I haven't tried any diet pills. I just try to eat right (which doesn't always happen). rolleyes.gif If you find a good diet pill, let me know.

Val
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Harlot 
Posted: 07-Dec-2008, 12:26 PM
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My son was here Friday night,(his wife works a night shift) and was doing some Christmas shopping,well he had to take my daughter in-law her dinner. When he came back here he said that I should go and see her some night as I would love to talk to the security guard that they have there. It seems that the lad is from Scotland. Son tells him that we have some Scots heritage and that I would like to go there sometime. I guess the thing to do is get to really know my daughter in-law by way of a lad from Scotland( maybe he has a kilt ).


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valpal59 
Posted: 07-Dec-2008, 02:21 PM
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You go girl. If he has a kilt maybe he would post a picture here for the nice ladies. LOL dribble.gif
It would also be nice to spend some time with your daughter in-law. I am lucky as my mother in-law is like my second mother.

Val
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Harlot 
Posted: 27-Dec-2008, 09:09 PM
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QUOTE (Harlot @ 07-Dec-2008, 01:26 PM)
My son was here Friday night,(his wife works a night shift) and was doing some Christmas shopping,well he had to take my daughter in-law her dinner. When he came back here he said that I should go and see her some night as I would love to talk to the security guard that they have there. It seems that the lad is from Scotland. Son tells him that we have some Scots heritage and that I would like to go there sometime. I guess the thing to do is get to really know my daughter in-law by way of a lad from Scotland( maybe he has a kilt ).

MY son is at the place here his wife works, well the phones rings and he says he has someone who would like to say Hi. BOY what a voice I hear but the lad from Scotland!!!!!!! We talked for about 20mins or so, I feel like I have died and went to heaven. He says I should come with my son sometime so we could talk longer. Oh to be 24 again.
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flora 
Posted: 30-Dec-2008, 12:58 PM
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Well now Harlot, what does age have to do with it? I am sure he would enjoy a good home-cooked meal. rolleyes.gif

As the New Year approaches I am cleaning out things that were not used in 2008. I am seriously considering getting rid of my high heel shoes. In Florida we are usually casual, but still I hesitate. How about it girls? Do you still use your high heels? Are we talking 4 to 6 inches heels? And what about those horrid things (that I am sure were invented by a man) - Panty hose? Give me your thoughts on the subject.

Flora
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valpal59 
Posted: 30-Dec-2008, 02:48 PM
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Flora,
I have recently forced myself to realize that I have to give up my heels as the older I get the weaker my ankles get. crybaby.gif Most of my heels are 3" heels. If I don't give them up I am really going to hurt myself someday.
As far as the pantyhose, I jetted those a long time ago. I wear the longer skirts and dresses (only when I have to) so I just wear the knee hi hose. Pants and capris are my clothing of choice. COMFORT

Val
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lschillinger 
Posted: 30-Dec-2008, 03:56 PM
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Hot flashes - Thankfully I've never had to worry about those. Although, my stepgrandmtoher used to get them horribly. They'd fog up her glasses! She stopped taking HRT because of the cancer risk. She actually found relief with herbal things. There is something they sell at GNC that is supposed to help. It's specifically for this problem. There is a pill you take in the AM and one in the PM. If you can't find it or are interested in it let me know and I will ask her what it was she was taking. I know it helped her tremendously.

Spot bot - I have one, I don't like it at all, spot shot in the can works much better! I've been able to get grease out of my carpet with that. You spray it on the stain pretty much disappears, just blot with a white cloth, and thats all you have to do until its gone. I actually used my spot bot maybe twice. It may be good for things like pet stains though.

Wrinkles - I recently bought some spray that downy makes thats supposed to "release" wrinkles. It seems to help for non major wrinkles (the ones that are more like creases it works a little but doesn't completely get rid of them). I'm not sure if it works because of whats in the spray or just because you are getting it moist. But it does help. Especially if you are on the run! I recently had to be at my husbands christmas party right after work, so silly me, I wore the most easily wrinkled skirt I owned all day at work. I ran home and gave it a few sprays and snap it in the air a few times, and most of the wrinkles came out and the ones that didn't definitely improved.

Hope that helps...


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Harlot 
Posted: 30-Dec-2008, 03:57 PM
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QUOTE (flora @ 30-Dec-2008, 01:58 PM)
Well now Harlot, what does age have to do with it? I am sure he would enjoy a good home-cooked meal. rolleyes.gif

As the New Year approaches I am cleaning out things that were not used in 2008. I am seriously considering getting rid of my high heel shoes. In Florida we are usually casual, but still I hesitate. How about it girls? Do you still use your high heels? Are we talking 4 to 6 inches heels? And what about those horrid things (that I am sure were invented by a man) - Panty hose? Give me your thoughts on the subject.

Flora

Oh flora trust me from someone who knows all about youngin's... I hate to say this but I spent 12 years with someone who was 17 years younger then myself,will "never" I repeat "NEVER" do that again. I have raised all the kids I plan too. I shall look upon them as sons.

I will give you an answer on what to do with your heels, I myself stand 5'7 1 /2" and there is no way I would wear 4 or 6 inch heels I'd just be to tall,and how can oneself walk in them I have enough trouble with just maybe a 1 to 2 inch heel. So unless you have really good health insurance I would get rid of them.

Pantyhose the last time I had a pair of them was when my daughter was getting married and that was 7 years ago,shows you how offen I get that dressed up.
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Siobhan Blues 
Posted: 09-Jan-2009, 12:33 PM
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QUOTE (flora @ 30-Dec-2008, 01:58 PM)
Well now Harlot, what does age have to do with it? I am sure he would enjoy a good home-cooked meal. rolleyes.gif

As the New Year approaches I am cleaning out things that were not used in 2008. I am seriously considering getting rid of my high heel shoes. In Florida we are usually casual, but still I hesitate. How about it girls? Do you still use your high heels? Are we talking 4 to 6 inches heels? And what about those horrid things (that I am sure were invented by a man) - Panty hose? Give me your thoughts on the subject.

Flora

Honey, I ditched my high heels years ago. I despised them anyway but after seeing what years of wearing high-heeled, pointy toe shoes did to my poor 73-yr. old mama's feet I said nooo, that's not going to happen to me.
She has a bunions and hammer-toe, and her feet are literally deformed now to the point that surgery is going to be necessary when she can't put up with the pain any more. And the podiatrist says heels and pointy toe shoes are to blame.

rolleyes.gif I confess I don't mind pantyhose, cause those with the control top help control my tummy.

laugh.gif
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maggiemahone1 
Posted: 10-Jan-2009, 09:00 PM
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You ladies know what they call stilettos wink.gif! I still like to wear high heels every now and then. My feet do hurt afterwards, but what's a little pain to try to look good biggrin.gif
When pantyhose came out, I thought that was one of the best fashion inventions ever. I remember many many moons ago garter belts and hose.

SB, I hope your mamma does well with her surgery.
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Siobhan Blues 
Posted: 14-Jan-2009, 11:44 AM
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Thanks, I appreciate that! She's pretty scared about it because the surgery is complex, breaking this toe bone and that bone there & reattaching this and that, and she'll be off her feet for many weeks. I teased her by saying she ought to get them to just amputate the offending toes and be done with it.

eek.gif The look on her face was priceless!! At least I got her to laugh about it.
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Harlot 
Posted: 17-Jan-2009, 05:10 PM
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This was sent to me and I still haven't stopped laughing!!!!


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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