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dundee 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 09:01 AM
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i have a great story about "precious and breathless" two old southern spinster sisters one decides to go to New York City... and returns with her report to her sister..... but i shall digress.... laugh.gif angel_not.gif


--------------------
jim

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"If I say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant it the other way."

often in error, never in doubt.

if guns kill people then my pencil mis-spells words
quote: larry the cable guy

sometimes what ya think ya want
isnt what ya thought ya wanted
till ya get what ya thought ya wanted
and then what ya had is gone....
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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:28 PM
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One Sunday afternoon, the pastor's wife returned home with an expensive dress in hand. When her husband asked her about it, she explained.

"Well, I was on my way to put the church's offering money in the bank, but I saw this amazing dress in the shop window. I was just trying it on when the Devil appeared and started tempting me to buy it."

At this point, the pastor was beginning to become angry. "Why didn't you just use scripture and say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan'?"

The wife sheepishly answered, "I did, but the Devil said, 'It looks even better from back here!'"

JIM (mainopsman)


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Dedicate some of your life to others. Your dedication will not be a sacrifice. It will be an exhilarating experience because it is intense effort applied toward a meaningful end. Dr. Thomas Dooley
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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:29 PM
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One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Jim (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:32 PM
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During his Sunday morning sermon, Father Flarherty -- full of fire and brimstone -- says, "One day, every man, woman, and child in this parrish will one day die!" And the congregation quivered in fear.

Except one fellow, Murphy, who was laughing to beat the band.

Father goes up to him and asked, "Did you not hear what I said? One day every man, woman, and child in this parrish will die."

"I know," said Murphy. "I'm not from this parrish."

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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:35 PM
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A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there?" The robber said, But no sound was heard....

So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus", said the parrot.

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:40 PM
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South
Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffins out
of all of you!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
  Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:42 PM
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you are through cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

________________________________________________________________
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 21-Feb-2008, 04:51 PM
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A Few Just fior the Ladies!!



WORDS


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



MARRIAGE SEMINAR


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

JIM (mainopsman)

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Druid_of_Ark 
Posted: 22-Feb-2008, 12:06 AM
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One night a young man noticed his elderly neighbor crawling around under the lamp post, so he asked what was wrong. The elderly man said he had lost his contact lens. Well the young man dropped to his knees and started looking as well. After an hour with no luck he asked the old man, "Are you sure you lost it here?" The man replied ,"No, it fell out in my living room, but the light is better here!"


--------------------
Blessed Be,
Sir. Raibeart Paris, OGU
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Nara 
Posted: 22-Feb-2008, 04:40 PM
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Two elderly sisters left the doctor's office after their checkups, and split up to do some shopping. When they met back at the house, Martha had bags full of organic fruits, vegetables, high fiber foods, and told her sister a treadmill would be delivered later that day. Esther's shopping bags contained several new pairs of designer shoes, four new belts and matching handbags, and five hundred dollars worth of new jewelry.

Martha said, "Why on earth did you buy all that crap?"

"Just following the doctor's orders." sniffed Esther.

"What does that stuff have to to with the doctor's orders? He told us to eat good foods and exercise." said Martha.

"Oh! I thought he said get new shoes and accessorize!"
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mainopsman 
Posted: 27-Feb-2008, 10:10 PM
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' T he Obedient Wife'


There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. T hen the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

T he loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women


JIM (mainopsman)

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mainopsman 
Posted: 27-Feb-2008, 10:14 PM
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A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 27-Feb-2008, 10:22 PM
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A dottering, old professor of logic asked his College class
a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is
1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles
from Chicago, and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how
old am I?"

A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said, "Professor, you're 70."

The old professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell
me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "It's easy, I have a brother, he's 35, and
he's half nuts."

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 27-Feb-2008, 10:29 PM
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A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out,
screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had
her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the
hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new
doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"And.... does she still have the hiccups?"

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 28-Feb-2008, 04:42 PM
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This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his
grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's room.

'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'

'What?' said his grandpa.'Make a noise like a frog because grandma
said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'

JIM (mainopsman)
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