1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-mart.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Cowboys, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Verizon, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost. -- John Quincy Adams
Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less - Robert E. Lee
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved - Romans 10:13 (KJV)
The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble, and he knoweth them that trust in him - Nahum 1:7 (KJV)