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> Britain Is Repossessing The USA, News flash!
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maisky 
  Posted: 14-Feb-2007, 06:13 AM
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Subject: Britain is repossessing the USA


A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which She does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate Will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable Levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.


4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.


12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


John Cleese


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Aaediwen 
Posted: 14-Feb-2007, 04:55 PM
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That raises an interesting question. What if the US decided at the same time not to recognise the UK as a soverign nation? Wouldn't that put a few flies in the soup?

Fortunately, I don't forsee any of this happening any time soon, and I imagine we shall continue to co-exist with our mortal enemy turned best friend.


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Sekhmet 
Posted: 14-Feb-2007, 09:56 PM
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::meanwhile giggling herself sick::


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oldraven 
Posted: 15-Feb-2007, 03:13 PM
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Now that is good fun.


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coastman 
Posted: 15-Feb-2007, 03:39 PM
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We here in the South have always spoke the King's English. We never use Webster's dictionary. It has always been The Oxford Dictionary. It will be difficult for the Queen's Guard to confiscate my GUNS. tongue.gif
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 15-Feb-2007, 03:43 PM
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Hmmmmm . . . .

Should we give them a shot at it -- so to speak, and apologies to you hair-trigger lads that pop off every time gun control comes up -- if this thing in 2008 doesn't go so well?? smile.gif

They're at least right about the beer, the cars, and Andie MacDowell. lol.gif
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coastman 
Posted: 15-Feb-2007, 03:58 PM
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I will have to agree about the cars, beer and Andie McDowell. We weathered Lyndon Johson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. It will be interesting when the illegal aliens take over California, Arizonia, New Mexico, and Texas. When they demand independence for these states I will in the front line for Southern Independence.
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 15-Feb-2007, 04:25 PM
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QUOTE (coastman @ 15-Feb-2007, 03:58 PM)
I will in the front line for Southern Independence.

I think we do agree on that one, anyway -- an autonomous CSA. Y'all enjoy yourselves down there, now.

Will you be importing your English teachers from the Northeast or straight from the UK? tongue.gif
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oldraven 
Posted: 16-Feb-2007, 07:35 AM
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QUOTE (stoirmeil @ 15-Feb-2007, 01:43 PM)
Hmmmmm . . . .

Should we give them a shot at it -- so to speak, and apologies to you hair-trigger lads that pop off every time gun control comes up -- if this thing in 2008 doesn't go so well?? smile.gif

They're at least right about the beer, the cars, and Andie MacDowell. lol.gif

Except Andie MacDowell was playing an American in Four Weddings and a Funeral. She talks like a sloth either way, though.

So what will it be, folks? Back to British Colony, or the new Lower Canada? wink.gif
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Monarchs Own 
Posted: 16-Feb-2007, 10:45 AM
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sound okay to me - lol but the driving on the left side - that worries me. I think that's one thing we can leave as it is. tongue.gif


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Madadh 
Posted: 16-Feb-2007, 06:12 PM
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I think the Brits tried to retake these colonies back in 1812 and failed miserably.

If their luck in the EU is any indication, I say down with the Queen and lets become the far western province of Ireland. That would scare the hell out of Whitehall. biggrin.gif


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Nova Scotian 
Posted: 16-Feb-2007, 09:06 PM
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QUOTE (coastman @ 15-Feb-2007, 03:39 PM)
We here in the South have always spoke the King's English. We never use Webster's dictionary. It has always been The Oxford Dictionary. It will be difficult for the Queen's Guard to confiscate my GUNS. tongue.gif

Yes. They'll learn real quick about the South!!!!


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stoirmeil 
Posted: 17-Feb-2007, 02:51 PM
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QUOTE (Nova Scotian @ 16-Feb-2007, 09:06 PM)
Yes. They'll learn real quick about the South!!!!

Learn what, exactly?

Yeah, 1812 was pretty embarrassing for them. That there's a song to warm the heart of an arms enthusiast, though -- if anyone now alive could figure out how to load an alligator and fire it, I'd leave it to Nova Scotian:

Well, in eighteen and fourteen we took a little trip
along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans,
And we caught the bloody British near the town of New Orleans.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, I see'd Mars Jackson walkin down the street
talkin' to a pirate by the name of Jean Lafayette [pronounced La-feet]
He gave Jean a drink that he brung from Tennessee
and the pirate said he'd help us drive the British in the sea.

The French said Andrew, you'd better run,
for Packingham's a comin' with a bullet in his gun.
Old Hickory said he didn't give a damn,
he's gonna whip the britches off of Colonel Packingham.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, we looked down the river and we see'd the British come,
and there must have been a hundred of 'em beatin' on the drum.
They stepped so high and they made their bugles ring
while we stood by our cotton bales and didn't say a thing.

Old Hickory said we could take 'em by surprise
if we didn't fire a musket til we looked 'em in the eyes.
We held our fire til we see'd their faces well,
then we opened up with squirrel guns and really gave 'em hell.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, we fired our cannon til the barrel melted down,
so we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
We filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind,
and when they tetched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.

We'll march back home but we'll never be content
till we make Old Hickory the people's President.
And every time we think about the bacon and the beans,
we'll think about the fun we had way down in New Orleans.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin,
But there wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go.
They ran so fast the hounds couldn't catch 'em
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
But there wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
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oldraven 
Posted: 19-Feb-2007, 08:45 AM
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You do know that the US declared war on Britain, in the war of 1812, right? They invaded Canada, was held off, and pressed back to Washington. It went poorly for Britain? I think you need to recheck your history books. The war ended when both sides decided there was no reason to fight anymore. I don't want to see this thread (which is light humour) turn bad, so I'll just provide a link and leave it at that.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_1812
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oldraven 
Posted: 19-Feb-2007, 08:49 AM
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I hate that CR doesn't let you edit your misspellings.
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