Two Elderly Woman

[mainopsman]

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you've got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, its no use, it's yesterday's!"


JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Wisdom of our times

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

Money isn't everything. But it keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is only an illusion caused by a deficiency of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart .
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No .
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Some people are normally confused!!!

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)




FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.




SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"




EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa . interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.




NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her
kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give
the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.
The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... "
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Interesting thing there is no reason to make up these stories, they just happen!

JIM (mainopsman)

[UlsterScotNutt]

2 elderly church ladies Margie and Eunice reading their bibles.
Margie turns to the other and says " Huh, I didn't know that. Eunice, which stretches more skin or rubber?
Eunice replies " I don't know, which? "
Margie explains " Skin, says here in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 12 miles"

[Druid_of_Ark]

3 things to remember about old age:

1. Old age and treachery will always win over youth and education.

2. No one likes to think of Getting old, but they forget that the only other option is to die young!

3. The difference in an old person and a young person, the old person has been young so knows what that is, the young person has no idea what wisdom comes with aging.

[mainopsman]

EXERCISE FOR OLDER ADULTS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad

she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to

the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They

walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft

yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it

and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but

didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said

she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and

went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the

window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes

laying sod across the street.

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
"Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago!

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
"Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago!

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother
Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to
stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but I am getting
so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds yo u till noon when you get fed again.


It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore fe et and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting . I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat
training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

JIM (mainopsman)
Carol

[UlsterScotNutt]

Margie asks Eunice what's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme. Eunice thinks for abit and responds confidently " You can't hear an enzyme"





Wait, wait a minute , it will come.

[mainopsman]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

JIM (mainopsman)