Irish humor!

Here's a couple of funnies!

Go to Heaven...
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets.  "Do you want to go to Heaven?"  The man said, "I do father." The priest said, "Stand over there against the wall."  Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"  "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.  Then Father Murphy walks up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"  O'Toole said, "No I don't Father."  The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"  O'Toole said, "Oh when I die yes, I thought you were getting a group ready to go now."

Mrs. Pete Monaghan...
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary.  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it to bad about him passing away.  She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she had only two dollars.  But she wrote out the obit, "Pete died."  The newsman said he thought Pete deserved more and gave her three more words to write at no charge.  Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary, "Pete died, Boat for Sale."

French...
"Seamus, do you understand French?"  "I do if it's spoken in Irish."  

                       

maggiemahone1  

I almost tipped my chair over on this one!  

 

the one with the priest was a good one!

Here's a couple of cute jokes.

Sean once attended a Temperance lecture given by Ireland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.  The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky.  After a minute or two the worm died and sank to the bottom.  The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends what does that tell us?"
Sean piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

An Englishman roused by a Scotsman's scorn of his race, protested that " he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.  "Man", scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

maggiemahone1

     

A chairde,

Chuala mé an scéalín seo fadó:

An t-am
Thaistil Sasanach ar traein go Baile Átha Cliath.
Chonaic sé dhá chlog ar an Stáisiún Ó Conghaile.
Bhí sé a cúig tar éis a trí ar clog amháin agus a
cheathrú tar éis a trí ar an clog eile.

?Cén fáth a bhfuil gá ag Éireannach le dhá chlog
mura bhfuil an t-am ceanna acu?? ar seisean le
hÉireannach. ?Cén fáth a bhfuil gá ag Sasanach le dhá
chlog má bhfuil an t-am ceanna acu?? arsa an
tÉireannach.



-----------[Translation]-----------
Dear friends,

I heard this little story long ago:

The time
An Englishman went to Dublin by train.
At the Conolly Station he saw two clocks.
It was five minutes past three on the one clock
and quarter past three on the other clock.

"Why does the Irishman need two clocks
if they don't show the same time?",
he asked an Irishman.
"Why does the Englishman need two clocks
if they do show the same time?",
said the Irishman.

Slán go foill... - Bye for now...

Roidsear

Not the most tastefull, but it does bring a chuckle.

The priest of a small Irish village was
very fond of the ten chickens plus one
cock rooster he kept in a hen house
behind the parish.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was
missing, and as that was the time the
priest suspected cock fights occurred in
the village, he decided to say something
about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has
anyone got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I
meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I
meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should
rephrase the question: Has anybody here
seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up.

Not really IRISH humor, more like office humor. I wouldn't know where else to post it, figured you all might enjoy.

Terrorist alert
We have just been notified by Internal Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could not find anyone fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. However, security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Three English men are off at a pub. They see an Irish man sitting across from them and decide on picking on him. The first Englishman goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was gay." The Irishman says nothing. Then the second Englishman walks over to him and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a gay transvestike." Still the Irishman says nothing. Finally the last Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was an Enlglishman." The Irishman looks at the Englishman and says, "Yea, that's what you're friends been trying to tell me."

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor!

Courtship is a time during which the girl decides whether she can do better or not

Quote (TracyLynn @ Mar. 15 2003,11:51)

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? A bachelor! Courtship is a time during which the girl decides whether she can do better or not

Two good ones, TracyLynn!  

maggiemahone1

Very cute Tracylynn.

[me]

Tee Hee!!  Those were great!!

Those were good ones!