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Here are a few of my poems and tangents .I need to find stories short enough to put here. I don't know if anyone will like them because they are a tad darker. ( I am a horror writer after all.



My Son

You are my breath , my soul , my life .
I love you for all that you are and all that you will become .
You mean more to me than you will ever know .
I love you more than you could ever imagine .
You help to keep me grounded in the real world when I think my mind is leaving me .
You are my anchor and my strength in so many ways that I cannot count .
I know that you are someone special and that you will be a wonderful person as you get older and you will touch others the way you have touched me .
I love you now and I will love you forever .
You are my life , my soul , my beloved son .


anyway..my attempt at poetry

She gets upset with me for not writing poetry for her. I can't. Poetry is too short to desrcibe the things I see and know of her. Even an epic sized one would be woefully inadequate to describe the things about her that I adore.
From her smile to her lips. From her eyes to her intellignece, her stubborness, her heart, all of it has been so overwhelming at times that I didn't think I would be able to handle any of it.
She wants a poem but a novel might fall short of describing the weakness I have just seeing her, the butterflies that are still there after so many years, the breathlessness when she calls.
I can write poetry for others, yes. Because I can sum up everything about them in a few lines. Her...she is different. I can barely find the words to talk to her much less describe her and the emotions she summons.
She wants a poem but my heart wants to continue to write our story.

I love her.
My wife.
My love.
I hope I can show her.
I hope she sees.
How much she means to me.
I pray she'll let me wash the pain away
Let me show her everyday
what she means to me
What we mean to me
I have been cruel and deceitful
Mean and vile
I can't erase the past
But I can make the future better than before
I hope I can show her.
I hope she sees.


I am so tired of walking without
Walking in the shadows pretending I don't love
Acting as though her eyes don't melt me
Her laugh doesn't soothe me
Tired of trying to convince myself her form isn't heavenly
Convincing myself that her sadness doesn't set me to crying
I am tired of fighting and lying
I am tired of not trying
To put us where we belong
I know that I have done so much wrong
But I am tired of fighting my feelings and my love
for the one that I have adored all this time
My love
My soul
My wife

The first time I met my wife was over the phone in 1996. She called @ 10 pm looking for my roommate. In those days I was , normally, in bed by 8 or so(yeah..at 21. Real big party animal). I am dead to the world when the phone rings(next to my head). I hit speaker phone and said hello. This woman asked if John was there and I said no. Then she asked if I was sick and I also said no. I was going to hang up after that but something kept me on there. I wasn't looking for anyone(I was wrapping up a stint with someone at the time) but she was sarcastic, funny, cynical, opinionated, had a very sexy voice, and was so much fun to talk to that hours flew by before we knew it.
She was on my mind the entire next day. I couldn't get her voice or the conversation out of my head. Even though she said she called everyone swetheart(that's what she called me when we hung up), I felt that she was trying to cover up some affection that she felt towards me. Anyway, I got the courage to call her when I got home and ask her if she wanted to go out for dinner that night. Before she had a chance to answer, a little voice was heard in the background. It was her daughter. She had to decline the invitation because she couldn't get a babysitter on such short notice. I said I understood and we talked for a little longer( I got her apt address during our talk) before I hung up. I was broken hearted about not being able to see her. This woman I had never met before had me completely broken hearted. I couldn't understand that but I wasn't going to let that last.
In a half an hour or so I knocked on her door. That's when my life changed forever. Do you know the romance movies where two lovers see each other for the first time and everything moves in slow motion, nothing exists but the two of them? Bingo.
We laughed and talked for hours that night. I met the little angel that would become my baby girl(she was 2 at the time). I joked , we played, we tickled each other. It was when I was tickling her that it happened. I had her on her couch tickling her when I stopped for a moment and our eyes locked for a second and an eternity. It was that moment that I saw my future with her. We kissed and we bound each other. One to the other.
A month later I was getting ready to move out of my place and back to the town my parents lived in (about an hour away). She wanted me to move in with her. The prospect scared me. Not so much the moving in aspect as much as the fact that the woman I loved(I hadn't admitted that to her yet) was going to see all of my bad habits and undesirable traits. After some talk, though. I agreed and moved in with her.
That is what started us on our road. And what a road it has been. I have never been so loved in all my life. Never felt such warmth and understanding. There have been times that the emotions got to be so much that I felt like I would burst.
i'm not going to lie about the hard times. There were many hard times and many arguments. There were times that each doubted the other's love but we pulled through and became stronger. We were a family, after all, and we were so in love.
Some of the proudest experiences of my life were with her: the day we met, the day we married, the day our son was born, the day I baptised her, the day she started back to college, and so many others.
We have been separate for almost 2 years now. Pride and misunderstandings brought that about and pride and misunderstandings keep it that way. When we separated I tried to convince her to try again but she was too proud to admit that she wanted it as well. Last year she tried to convince me that we should try but I was in (what I thought) was a healthy relationship. I bounced back in forth between the two. I was so confused because, by then, I had built a wall around my emotions for her, my wife and love, and I refused to acknowledge them. I had convinced myself that I loved this other woman. On top of that I had both of them whispering in my ears and it was a very hard time of year for me anyway(june through september I've lost too many people in my life).
Long story short I chose the woman instead of my wife. In january that ended and I needed somewhere to stay. My wife let me in. We had a great couple of weeks but I felt my emotions coming back. I was still in denial about them so I found a place to live as soon as possible. I ran from my heart.
A few months ago the woman and I tried to put something back together. That lasted for about a month(6 weeks). This entire time my wife was telling me that she loves me and wants to try again. I tell her no and deny my feelings but I can't explain why my heart breaks when I see her upset, why I cry when I know she's cried. Why I got (get) jealous when I know she is seeing someone else. I knew what it was but I didn't want to admit it.
I spent 3 weeks in this apartment. The woman said she needed time to think. I am, in hindsight, greatful for that because it gave me time to think as well. Think about who had been there for me and who had loved me regardless. And why I was always mad at my wife. The answer came to me at a bad time but it came to me. It looked odd to my wife and I can understand that.
The woman called to tell me that , for the 3 weeks she'd been thiking, she'd been seing someone else. I was hurt. More because she didn't just come out and say that earlier but I got over that and wanted her to know that I wished her luck and happiness. Well I screwed that up somehow(another long story). I had already acknowledged to myself the love I had hidden from my sight about my wife but that morning and the rest of the day I I thought about all of the things that I had forced myself to forget. The walks to the store when we'd talk, the hand holding, the love making while it rained outside, the wonderful moments that we'd shared together and the horrible ones that we had overcome to stay together.
I get home and log in and the first thing I see on another site I go to is someone wanting to know why people get married. Why would you do that. God has a way of slapping a revelation to the fore front sometimes. As I wrote a response I started crying and trembling. I embraced the feelings I had for my wife and the love I knew was still there. I also accepted the horror of the things that had happened in the interim between our separation and now. The things I did and the things that had happened. God, I was evil in my stupidity and pride.
Regardless, I had to tell her how I felt. It was more nerve wracking to tell her the second time I loved her than it was the first. She is now friends with the woman and she's afraid that this may be nothing more than me falling back on her. I can understand her doubt and feelings about it but I want so much to show her the happiness that we once knew and more. SO much more that I am wanting to show her.
I haven't cried this much since my brother died. We have trust issues but I know we can do it.
I love her. My wife. My love. I hope I can show her. I hope she sees.


I'll..um. I'll shut up now

A Midnight Walk


As I wake from my slumber the moon shines brightly down upon me. I climb down from my roost in the cave I have slept in for the day. When I reach the ground I stretch my muscles and stare up at the hole that I will soon exit. My body hungers for nourishment and in an instant I transform and fly from my temporary sanctuary.
While flying I spot a secluded spot in a well-traveled road and I land and assume my ? human ? form and proceed to walk towards the lights of the nearby town. It wasn't long before I came across two young people journeying home after a night of merriment. I stopped them just outside the city wall and tried to be as sociable to them as I could before my hunger overcame me.
I said a prayer for their souls, and mine, and apologized for what I was about to do; and then I lunged. I struck the man first since I knew he would be the more likely of the two to give me a fight and I was not about to give him that opportunity. I grabbed him before he could act and clutched his arms so that he could not move. I saw rage turn to fear in his eyes as I drove my fangs into his jugular, clamped down, and pulled a large piece of flesh away from his neck. He collapsed almost immediately and my hunger had overtaken me so fully that I had almost forgotten about his female companion. As I feasted on the fresh corpse she did not run. She did quite the opposite.
The young lady crept up to me while I was drinking the blood of her lover and drove her long, sharp hairpin into the base of my neck. I'm sure she thought this would surely kill me and put an end to her nightmare but it only enraged me more. I stood and faced her while I pulled her pin from my neck, the wound healing almost immediately, and stared at her with my mind fixed on nothing more than ripping her throat out and feasting on her heart.
Just before I was to free her spirit and drink of her life force I looked into her eyes. I had to take a moment to collect myself. The fear and loathing in her eyes was the same that I had seen in my own wife's eyes so many years ago. My poor wife so loving and trusting, even in the end. I had betrayed her like I betray God every night I arise to feast.
I came back to my senses only partially. I said another prayer and kissed this young victim .I called her by my wife's name before I took her life. It was over in an instant and she felt nothing. That's the advantage of being undead as long as I have; you learn how to end lives quickly and painlessly.
With the night's feasting at an end and the carnage over with I hide the bodies off the road in an abandoned well I had found prior to beginning my hunt. I start back to the cave that is my abode with a heavy heart. I will contemplate my plight like I have so many times before for so many centuries past.
The sun is rising and I almost wish that I had the courage to strand myself in the open so that I can end my miserable existence but my basic
instinct for survival prohibits me from doing what I know would be the right thing
so I weep for myself and all the lives I've taken and souls I've stolen .
So is the life of a vampire. We are what we are and we can be nothing more. Please, have pity upon us.

OK. so as not to torture anyone else. here is a link to my new page.

If you are actually interested in the drivel I spew. I have a lot of dark fiction on there but I'm in the process of putting some of my other stuff up.

Enjoy(I hope)

http://www.fictionpress.com/~mlovelljr

I am impressed at the full range of emotions that you have shared here. You are just beginning on a new path, I hope you have the courage to see it through. Thank you so much for sharing, It makes me think about my husband when I read the words you have written here and as I sit and read I find that I cry with you.

I have enjoyed what you have written here very much.

Thank you, Angel. Very Much. Like the title of the thread says; it's just a place to express myself in story form. Anway, I'll shut up.

IN regards to my extranged wife and I...all I'll say is this:" The hardest part of love is letting go."

Learning to Fly

The desert air is so cool and crisp during sunrise as it bounces off the walls of the canyon and up toward the ledge? and me. It?s so quiet and peaceful. Everything is so still that it?s as though time has stood still. The creatures, the plants, the insects, everything seems to be holding a collective breath as the first rays of daylight break the horizon.
First one ray then another and another. The sky fills with beautiful arrows of light that bring with it hues of purple and red that could never be duplicated by man?s hand and can only be believed when man?s heart and eyes work together.
This is such a beautiful place that I almost regret defiling it with what I?m about to do. It?s been such a long time since I?ve been at peace with myself or anyone else that this seems the only course of action. I have tried everything else to no avail. I am ready to leave. I am ready to be at peace no matter what the cost.
As I?m lost in thought my right foot slips a little. Rocks tumble the hundreds of feet below and I lose my balance for a second but I regain it quickly and steady myself, but not my heart. It?s beating so hard that it feels as though it?ll burst from my chest at any moment. Do I really want to do this? Why did I even think that I could do something like this? Won?t this damn my soul?
No. I can?t start doubting my decision. It won?t damn my soul because, if there were a god, I wouldn?t have had to suffer like I have through my life. I wouldn?t have been abused, or molested, or rejected, or friendless. All this will do is put an end to a pointless and miserable existence.
Calming my heart and convincing myself that this is the best thing for me I turn away from the edge and walk about fifty feet back and turn around. I set my sight on the ledge on the other side of the canyon, just to make sure I don?t chicken out.
I take one last breath and start running toward the ledge on the opposite side as fast as possible. As I reach the ledge I jump as hard high as I can and push away from the earth. For a second I can almost believe that I?m flying and that I might reach the other side. Then, gravity takes hold.
I feel my weight return and then the exhilarating rush of the air as I plummet to the canyon floor. I thought I would be scared but it is so much of a relief that my life will soon end and my suffering along with it. I expected to have my life flash before my eyes but, if it did, it was too short to even notice.
I see the ground rushing at me so fast that the end is only seconds away. I close my eyes tight and brace for the impact. It never comes. In bewilderment I open my eyes to see what could have possibly gone wrong. Had someone caught me? Had I hit an up draft and ended on the top of the canyon again? That would be my luck. I can?t even kill myself properly. I was in for a surprise.
Something had definitely happened, but it was something I would have never expected. I was soaring hundreds of feet above the top of the canyon. I was flying! I had escaped everything I had wanted to escape. I was free.
With a new life and a new perspective I turn my body towards the rising sun. And, like the rising sun, I am reborn. I soar away to see what this life holds for the raven.

This post has been edited by urian on 27-Jul-2004, 09:29 PM

*gulp*
Nice writing! Had me screaming "NOOOOOO!" up until I re-read the last little bit a couple times to realise what had happened. Then it turned bittersweet. All those he left behind will still miss him, if there's not a body to be found then they will always wonder. But he is free in a way they can never fathom. Nice

Beautiful.

It is a page turner... that is if you had to turn a page to read it... you know what I mean

Beautiful text Urian ! A bit hard for me to read because it reminds me....never mind...but I love the end, maybe I would like to become a raven too, I can almost feel the heat of the sun on my face, the wind slightly rising up my feathers...I'm free !

I really liked it, it was very thought provoking. I was held in suspense until the very end.

Just don't go be a raven yet. OK?

No worries, my friend.
I first wrote that as a poem when I was a teen. The typical teen angst/suicide contemplation.
I turned it into a story about 2 years back when that desire surfaced again. I felt useless, worthless and honestly felt like everyone would be better off without me.
God works in strange ways. I was thumbing through my old folders of writings and ran across this poem I had written. I read it and rewrote it as a catharsis..a way of freeing myself from a situation I felt was killing me.
I was there. I was on the cliff(as I wrote) I could some the morning air, I could taste the dust on my tongue and feel the sun on my face.
In a way I did jump when I wrote that story...it helped me to fly when I thought I was shackled to the ground. Freedom comes in stranges forms sometimes.
I pulled it out again because I am trying to get away from my darker writing..again it helped me.
As I reread it it didn't pertain to suicide for me anymore but rather the feelings I had of not living anymore....just existing. Which, to me, is the same as dying. So, once again, the story taught me something that I will share here. Its one of my senseless ramblings so it vaguely classifies as writing...This is what I learned from this story this go round

There is a difference between existing and living
Existing going about your daily life and working, paying bills, going to the store, blah blah blah. Doing the minimum to get by until you die.
Living...livin­g entails taking risks. It involves the fear of the unknown and the bravery to leap into that dark chasm and ,fly or fall, live with the outcome. Living is taking chance, taking risks because only in risking something, only in putting something on the line to lose do we feel alive.
Whether it be our jobs, our future, a move, our hearts, our souls and feelings. Living is about taking chances with these things. And, if it doesn't go the way we wanted it, we mourn for a time, get back up , dust ourselves off and begin the leap anew.
such is life
such...is living


peace be with you
Michael