Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a large lawyer's convention. When he lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, "OK, everyone say, "Fees!."

JIM

Two dumb fisherman decided to rent a boat at the lake. After fishing for hours at various pots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit within 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking our a can of spray paint, and marking a large [B]X on the floor of the boat.

"Why did you do that?" his friend asked.

"Next time we rent this boat and know where to fish"



JIM

"I remember my wedding day very distinctly," the elderly gentleman said, "I carried my new bride across the threshold of our little house and said, "Honey, this is your and my little world."

"And I suppose you've lived happily ever after?" his friend asked.

"We've been fighting for the world's championship ever since."

JIM

Two men were sitting in a boat on their favorite lake, fishing, and drinking beer. Suddenly, Bill confesses, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in nearly six months."

Earl sips his beer and replies, "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

JIM

Suffering from a very bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When the receptionist informed him of the wait, he became outraged and bellowed. "Two weeks? The doctor can't see me for two weeks! I could be well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, please have your wife call to cancel the appointment."

JIM

An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a through examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.

"You're in excellent shape for an 85-year-old man, he said. "But I'm afraid I can't make you any younger."

"Who asked you to make me younger?" the man replied. "You just make sure I get older!"
JIM

As the owner of a new car, a husband was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession, even to the grocery store a few blocks away. She continued to ask, however, and he finally relented.

"Remember," he warned her as she got behind the wheel, "if you have an accident, the newpaper will print your age."

JIM

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. !!!!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales, and stated that a whale swallowed Jonah!.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal, it's throat was very
small. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A young lad was caught cursing by his schoolteacher.

"Jimmy," she said, "you shoudldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, you don't know what it means," she said.

"I do too! It means the car won't start."

JIM

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
religion
royalty
sex
mystery

The prize winning essay read:

"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"


Slàinte,    

Patch    

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

&Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Patch; By Beelzebubs' pointed beard where do you get them.


Camac

I have fourty or more people sending jokes to me and some joke sites.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Here is a collection of Tech Support nightmares...

* A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."


* TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'."
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"


* Overheard in a computer shop:
CUSTOMER: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
SALESPERSON: "Certainly, Sir. We've got a large variety."
CUSTOMER: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


* I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the
document back to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* CUSTOMER: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

* I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls
that start something like this: CUSTOMER: "Hi, Is this the Internet?"


* CUSTOMER: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"

* TECH SUPPORT: "Yeah."
CUSTOMER: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
TECH SUPPORT: "Uhh.. uh... uh... yeah."

* Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."


* TECH SUPPORT: "All right, now double-click on the File
Manager icon."
CUSTOMER: "That's why I hate this Window - because of icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
TECH SUPPORT: "Well, that's just an industry term, Sir. I
don't believe it was meant to..."
CUSTOMER: "I don't care about any 'Industry terms'. I don't believe in icons."
TECH SUPPORT: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little
picture' of a file cabinet. Is 'little picture' OK?"
CUSTOMER: (click)


* CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


* CUSTOMER: "My computer's sound card is defective and I want a new one."
TECH SUPPORT: "What seems to be the problem?"
CUSTOMER: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out of the left. It's defective."
TECH SUPPORT: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice-versa."
CUSTOMER: (sputter)... (click).
TECH SUPPORT: (snicker...)


* I got a call from a woman who said her laser printer was having problems. The bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet herself. So she sent a print job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.


* I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color in the rainbow printed except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of trouble- shooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"


* A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front of the screen but the computer still couldn't find it.


* Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.


* This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
TECHSUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
CUSTOMER: "Oh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."


* I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key. When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Ok - this was sent to me by e-mail from a friend. Don't know if this was posted yet before. But in case it wasn't here it is:


Tick Warning!


I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.