Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU ' RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.



Within five minute s three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

This is a great joke but unfortunately it is also the state of police protection today!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to
Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship
hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of
Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its
delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that
they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this
day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


I know.....GROAN

A really smart blonde!


Amy, a blonde city girl married a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?


The rancher left. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walked along
the row of cows and when she saw the nail, she told him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asked, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explained very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man said, 'and what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Important Women's Health Issue:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, Erotic lustfulness, Loss of motor control, Loss of clothing, Loss of money, Loss of virginity, Table dancing, Headache, Dehydration, Dry mouth, And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not, may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them, may cause you to think you can sing, make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. Thank you.

How To Avoid The Flu


1. Eat right!

2. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

3. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

4. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

5. Walk for at least an hour a day..

6. Go for a swim..

7. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

8. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

9. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

10. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

11. Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach....Think about it...When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why ???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS....So......

1. I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

2. I put lime in my lager ...(fruit)

3. Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

4. Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)

5. Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)

6. Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said... 'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well and Laugh Often !

Subject: The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.




Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Leelee and karenrah

Those two jokes were great!!!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

I absolutely loved your Post, Karenrah I'm going to copy, print it and post it on the bottom of my fridge. I'm sure Lucky can read now, she understands everything else

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?' then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

Leelee;

I laughed so damn hard I went into Cardiac arrest and they had to call EMS to kick start the old pump.

No seriously I did laugh so hard I almost (ran like hell) peed my pants.



Camac.

Choo Choo

paddy english man irish & scots are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old dear. the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel paddy english man has been decked is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Paddy irish man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that english bollix again"

Yeah, it was a good one!!!! I read it to Hubby & had a time of it through fits of laughter. It's good to laugh

2) Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'