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| Celtic Radio Community > The Jester's Court > 15 Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 16-Jun-2004, 04:24 PM |
| 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names like Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis etc. or we'll just have to kick your ass. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rats ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-UP, or whatever....it's still Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a good ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgement (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick hes/her ass. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass. 8 ) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will your ass kicked for sure. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass. 15) Last but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot, (right after it gets kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box......minus your ass. |
| Posted by: tsargent62 16-Jun-2004, 04:50 PM |
| Violent little bunch of hicks, aren't ya? |
| Posted by: peckery 16-Jun-2004, 05:03 PM |
I guess group readings of Tolstoy in the park are out.  |
| Posted by: urian 16-Jun-2004, 05:55 PM |
| I am a native southerner and I have traveled, and lived, all over the country. Nowhere beats the south...well...except maybe Ireland and scotland. YEHAAA! |
| Posted by: gtrplr 17-Jun-2004, 08:33 AM |
| American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God! |
| Posted by: Shamalama 17-Jun-2004, 08:39 AM |
| I can't decide whether SCShamrock's post is Humor or a Public Service Announcement. Believe me, I've tried to 'lose' my southern accent. In formal situations I usually do OK. But around family (or after a few wee drams) I instantly revert to the y'alls and ain'ts. There are tons to enjoy about Southerners. Yeah, we have our bad points, but we've got lots of good points. Ain't nothing finer than finishing a supper of eggs and grits and red-eye gravy, settling down in your rocking chair on the front porch (with your dog at your side), and watching the sun go down behind the corn field. Sipping a wee dram (sometimes of 'home-grown'), enjoying God and nature, and whittling on a stick. Born American by birth, born a Southerner by the grace of God. |
| Posted by: oldraven 17-Jun-2004, 09:15 AM |
| So, what's with this north vs. south crap that's taken over our boards, anyway? |
| Posted by: MDF3530 17-Jun-2004, 12:17 PM |
Can we Northerners at least tell you the correct way to cook bratwurst  ? It's called "Sheboygan Style", after the town in Wisconsin. First, you put the brats in a pot of beer for about 30 minutes & let them marinate. Then, you boil it in the beer marinade for about 5-10 minutes. Finally, grill until ready to eat. If you like, you may add some warm barbecue sauce. |
| Posted by: Caldwell 17-Jun-2004, 12:26 PM |
| You mean to tell me there are states between New York and California?!?! Deep South Jokes: What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? .........Drool. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? .........A full set of teeth. How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? .........Grease her hips and push. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? .........Pay him for the pizza. What are the longest three years of an Southern student's life? .........His freshman year. Are those going to get my a** kicked?  |
| Posted by: Irish Stepper 17-Jun-2004, 12:50 PM |
Well, let's take MCI Worldcom off of #5. Ole Bernie Ebbers started doing dumb-a** things and lost all of his sense.  And yes, Caldwell, that will get your a** kicked.  |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 17-Jun-2004, 12:59 PM | ||
My idea. The crap's supposed to be fun. Sorry if you aren't having any.  |
| Posted by: gtrplr 17-Jun-2004, 01:09 PM |
| Especially for you, Caldwell! YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK CITY WHEN... * You think Central Park is "nature." * You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal." * You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. * You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. * You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. * You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. * Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." * America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you. * You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. * You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. * Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. * $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. * Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian. * You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills. * You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. * You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. * Your door has more than three locks. * You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate. * The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. * You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it. |
| Posted by: oldraven 17-Jun-2004, 01:10 PM |
Doesn't bother me. Just sounds like another reason to put people at odds to me.  But I'm not part of the whole thing, so perhaps I'm just not seeing it the same way you guys are. |
| Posted by: Richard Bercot 17-Jun-2004, 01:11 PM |
| I am just wondering if I am a Good Ole Southern Boy trapped in a Northern State. I too prefer the Out of doors compared to any City, even the one I live in with a Population just under 100. I was alway taught to respect our elder, give them your seat, and hold the doors open for anyone coming through the door. It is only being polite. As far as Grits, that is one thing you can keep down there. I don't have a quote; Breakfast meal. I love my Sausage Gravy and Biscuits with Fried Taters 24 hours a day. I guess I just live in one of the middle states and take the Best of Both Worlds. Does this mean that I am going to get my a** kicked?  |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 17-Jun-2004, 01:43 PM | ||
Sounds good to me, for sure! There seems to be some angst over my little Southerner posts here. So let me set something straight now before there is a misunderstanding. I am a trucker by trade. Now I run locally here in South Carolina, but for many years I was over-the-road. I had many opportunities to get out and enjoy the local life in many towns "up North" over the years. Here's a few things I learned. Northerners have some pretty tight-knit communities. Even in large cities like New York, Boston, Chicago, Philadelphia; there's that small town atmosphere you think to find only in small towns. The big difference here is that instead of knowing everyone in your little town, they know everyone on their street; which by the way could be quite a lot of folks. Northerners might not like grits and biscuits and gravy, but they know how to eat too. The many different breads, soups, sauces, pastas, meats, fish; they're all to be enjoyed. And my are they good. Northern boys seem to have a better handle on sports than we do. As a matter of fact, I just quit talking sports with them all together because my conversational contributions stuck mostly to current sports analysis, while they were walking sports encyclopedias. Northerners have the best pubs. Down here we have a plethora of redneck bars, and you can be sure that on every Friday and Saturday night someone will lose a few teeth in each and every one of them. Up north on the other hand, you can find the same thing, but it's more of a rarity. What you actually find are gatherings of friends, casually unwinding to good music, good conversations, and good libations. Oh boy, I think I laid this one on a little thick.  The farther north you go the better the hunting and fishing. Heck, we would think we'd died and gone to heaven if we caught the kind of fish you guys have up yonder. Northern pike, muskie, walleye (otherwise known as manna from heaven ) salmon, these are all fantastic fish, and great fun to catch.Ok, I hope this sets the record straight. For me, the whole North/South thing is just for fun and no mature person should get exercised over it. I like joking around and sharing my off-center views, but I'm new here and if this is the wrong room for it I need to be told. Otherwise, I'll just keep on being me. Thank you for your continued support.  |
| Posted by: Ceciliastar1 17-Jun-2004, 01:56 PM |
See... I thought these postings were the most hilarious thing ever! I'm from the North and I always will be. I can also take a joke. They cracked me up! Thanks for putting them up here! hahahahahahaha!!! |
| Posted by: oldraven 17-Jun-2004, 02:06 PM | ||
See, that's all I had to hear.  It looked as though it was heading in another direction with the talk about the war, but I obviously read too much into it.Carry on people. I was never here. |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 17-Jun-2004, 02:10 PM | ||
I've read many of your posts OldRaven. Your comments are always welcome to me! |
| Posted by: oldraven 17-Jun-2004, 02:51 PM |
| Thanks Shamrock. That's good to hear, since lately I've been pulling my foot out of my mouth a lot. |
| Posted by: Richard Bercot 17-Jun-2004, 02:55 PM | ||||
SCShamrock, I have always been taught, "Be careful of what you ask because you may get it in ways you did not think of". And knowing a little bit about OR, I would watch out. |
| Posted by: MDF3530 17-Jun-2004, 02:57 PM |
| Thank you for clearing that up, SCShamrock. |
| Posted by: Raven 17-Jun-2004, 03:02 PM | ||
Adam is just a Canadian Yankee in Celtic Radios Court |
| Posted by: oldraven 17-Jun-2004, 03:39 PM | ||
Shush, now Richard. The guy seems to have a decent opinion of me. No need in letting him know I'm actually just a loud mouth. (admittedly, I do have quite a habbit of calling people out. A lot.) As for you raven. Canadian Yankee?  Does such a thing exist? How can there possibly be a loyalist yankee? |
| Posted by: Richard Bercot 17-Jun-2004, 04:39 PM | ||
Sorry OR, my lips are sealed. Now what was we talking about? |
| Posted by: Kassia 17-Jun-2004, 08:58 PM |
| "* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian." This, my friends, is a discription of the community where I work in Orange County, California, except that your gardener is Hispanic, and your 7-11 owner is Viet Namese. We got the best variety of little ethnic places to get food in the world! |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 18-Jun-2004, 05:44 AM | ||
Kassia, I used to go to California quite a bit; L.A., Oxnard, San Diego, and points north, when I drove cross-country. One of my favorite things to eat (and I'm quite sure it would be advised against by local non-hispanics) was to catch on of those little Mexican diner trucks and get a Carne Asada taco with lots of hot pepper sauce. I like the spicy stuff, and the Mexicans are always so cool to talk to, when you can find one that hable's Eeenglaase! |
| Posted by: Caldwell 18-Jun-2004, 07:03 AM | ||
HAR! Those are my favorites! Where is Wisconsin anyway? |
| Posted by: Herrerano 18-Jun-2004, 09:06 AM |
| Well, from my point of view, y'all are yankees, every last one of ya. Or maybe that should be spelled yanquis Comprendé Leo  |
| Posted by: barddas 18-Jun-2004, 01:00 PM | ||
But that's better than getting yer A** kicked, right???? |
| Posted by: barddas 18-Jun-2004, 01:07 PM |
| Ah.... these are great. I was born in Kentucky, migrated over the Ohio, and I long to be in Tennessee, or North Carolina. Hey, Shamalama... Grits!!!!!! MMMmmmmm little butter, little honey, and ham with red eye gravey...  Who's makin' the sweet tea????? |
| Posted by: oldraven 18-Jun-2004, 01:40 PM | ||
Arse, teeth. It's a personal preference. |
| Posted by: MDF3530 18-Jun-2004, 02:46 PM | ||
Unfortunately, I know where Wisconsin is. All you have to do to find it is follow the stench that vaguely smells like cheese . |
| Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 18-Jun-2004, 07:36 PM | ||
Years ago the family was watching the news. They were showing film (remember film?) of demonstrations in South America. The crowd was chanting "Yankee Go Home". Grand dad's only comment was "Damn right." |
| Posted by: Herrerano 18-Jun-2004, 07:40 PM |
| Leo |
| Posted by: Aaediwen 19-Jun-2004, 09:36 AM |
| Other ways to get a good A** whoopin' around here: Yell "Go Cards!" in Lexington and surrounding counties while talking about college basketball Refer to Lexington or Louisville as the state capitol Refer to either of those two towns as 'a little hick town' Sure they're not NYC, but if you want a hick town, visit Irvine, Campton, or some place of that sort. I can take you 20 mi one way and show you a redneck town, or as far the other way and show you a fully fledged modern city with all the trim. It's called diversity There are probably more that I'm not thinking of. Feel free to come visit anytime |
| Posted by: SCShamrock 21-Jun-2004, 03:41 AM | ||
Now you're just testing my travels. Ok, you want to talk about redneck hick KY towns? Try Burdine, Pikeville, Hazard, Harlan, Jenkins, Prestonsburg, etc. If you want redneck, there it is. You seem to be hung up on western KY, but are totally forgetting the eastern end of the state where all the coal miner's tootheless daughters live. That's where you have to scrape the owl crap off the clock to see what time it is. Sounds like home to me!!! |
| Posted by: 3Ravens 21-Jun-2004, 07:31 AM |
| You know you're in the South when you're sitting in a diner, and some good ole boy walks in and orders "Cup a' coffee to go....an' hold the grits!" |
| Posted by: birddog20002001 21-Jun-2004, 08:39 AM | ||
I dunno Mike the only "Brat cookin" I know of in North Carolina is when the younguns act bad and get their seats fired up. And old Raven being a southerner is like saying Nova Scotia is just like Quebec because they are in the same country but louder and talk funny. The Quebecers I mean. |
| Posted by: oldraven 21-Jun-2004, 11:14 AM |
| Birddog, he called me a Yankee. That's far enough from the truth. Calling me a Southerner is just silly. Honestly, I don't know who talks funnier, Quebecois or New Scots. You know, out here in the west, people think the east consists quebec, and the rest of us are Newfoundland. My boss told me the other day that "BC, Alberta, and Saskatchewan should become Canada. The rest of them are really just England and France anyway, so let them go back." Mind you, he's a Bosnian who's been here for 9 years and thinks he's got us all figured out. I guess we have the same sort of rivalry up here that you guys have. You'd think it's English vs. French, but it's really Ottawa vs. the rest of Canada. (Ottawa is our national capitol, if that made no sense) |