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> Little Feedback Please, something I've been working on a while..
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Diarmuid 
Posted: 07-Dec-2005, 02:45 AM
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Great songs are poetry. You know the type, the ones that cut straight to the bone. This is a song I wrote that started out as poem and evolved into what it is now. I wanted to get some feedback as me and the band I'm in are thinking about recording it. Suggestions are welcome. All the background info you need: I meet girl. I fall hard and fast. Girl wants to be with me too but is scared to pull the trigger. She was obviously hurt by someone before. This was written on a real bleak night when I was thinking about moving on. Just know that everything is true, the feelings, the girl, etc. Here goes:

Sweet Brittany

So it comes to this/ Never even made it to the first kiss/ It was almost a great ride/ I wonder if I even crossed her mind/ Sweet lady it's time to move on/ When its heen so long/ Since I stood up for myself/ Just add another notch to your shelf//Chorus: Sweet Brittany used to burn so bright/ Now I strain just to catch a flicker/ Sweet Brittany used to burn so bright/ Damn shame I never got the chance to heal her// Time to close another cold Lubbock night/ This old dog just lost the will to fight/ No more feeling beaten and bruised/ No more feeling weak and misused/ I've been waiting on her so long now/ But there's two think I know/ Never could get the words right/ And maybe I'd be sober with her in my life//Chorus// It's been so long now since I've seen her face/ So I took another to fill the space/ Never could quite drink her away/ The girl I wake up next to reminds me of her everyday//Chorus//

Let me know what you think! And for the record, I haven't given up on her.


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I am currently working on and doing research for the writing of a fictional novel in which the country being invaded is a celtic one. Any suggestions on content or research would be welcome.

[QUOTE]Love is but a boat set upon an open sea. Ans those things that imperil it, the waves of fear and doubt are also what earn its dignity in our memory.
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Aaediwen 
Posted: 07-Dec-2005, 06:37 PM
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I re-formatted it to look better on screen, and it really reads well. Nice work smile.gif There are a couple lines I'd trim up a tad, personally. But then may be just me. Here's the main thing I would change, as I would change it to:

QUOTE

Time to close another Lubbock night
This old dog lost the will to fight
No more feeling beaten and bruised
No more feeling weak and misused
I've been waiting on her so long now
But there's two think I know
Never could get the words right
And maybe I'd be sober with her in my life


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Poet and seeker of knowledge



Mountain Legacy -- Born in the isles, raised in Appalachia
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