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Dreamer1 
Posted: 09-Nov-2003, 12:52 PM
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Ravenwing,

I'm also very sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I know you'll miss her and the love she has for you. Please, though, try not to allow the others in your family to poison your heart with their intolerance/ignorance/disrespect/meanness/pettiness.........!! Instead, remember and keep the love from your Grandmother and maybe others in your family who do care about you. Let friends help you, too, to keep all the other negative emotions and thoughts at bay.

In concern,
Dreamer1


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Annabelle 
Posted: 09-Nov-2003, 09:37 PM
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Ravenwing....I am so sorry about your loss...don't add the anger you feel at your family's lack of contact with you on top of the loss of your grandmother..the weight of it will only hurt you...

I can really speak from experience here....and I don't know everything but I'll share with you what I do know and what I've learned from my expierence.

My mom died 7 years to Melanomia Cancer at 64 years of age...(yep a redhead too) Her illness was quick and she died in 4 months of diagnosis.
My father was a total butt head...he put me out in his RV every weekend I drove down from Ga to be with her cause he had given all of the beds away to her family members who never came to see her when she was healthy and alive. I was not allowed to use the bathroom in the RV, I had to go to the bathroom in the barn...
Then he gave my bed away in the RV to a friend of his who came for the funeral from Mississippi. He asked for the wedding rings back my mother gave to me and put on my hand before she went into her first radiation treatment. (I am the only girl) He took up with another woman 3 months after mom died with another woman and moved her into Mom's house.
Then he told my brother that I had asked my Mom to take out a Life Insurance policy before she died leaving me the benefactor.

Now after all of that hurt, I broke off all connections with my father and brother for over 2 years...
Wouldn't let them in my life at all.. I could go for months and not even think about them and then I would get sad and realize I was carrying all of my anger at them inside me...and I was hurting ME! That hurt kept me from being truely happy. My family saw it. My friends saw it. Everyone knew I was still hurting and avoided anything that was close to the subject for 2 years. I had health problems come up (stomach). But I never saw it until one day I realized, I was not happy...

So the bottom line of this post is don't do it....detach to a point you are in a more comfortable position with your family. But don't hold on to the anger. It only hurts you.

Annabelle


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valpal59 
Posted: 10-Nov-2003, 12:32 AM
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Ravenwing....I am so sorry for your loss....My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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free2Bme 
Posted: 10-Nov-2003, 07:37 AM
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My condolences RavenWing. My grandmother was apparently the lynchpen that held my family together - she had left behind 12 children and 50+ grandchildren and great grandchildren - and none of us have been together since her funeral several years ago. We are all scattered across the United States. I have lost two uncles since then, and I did not even know about it until several months after their funerals - one died of pancreatic cancer and the other was killed in a tree-felling accident.

Be glad for the family that you DO have, and remember that we are all only human beings. Don't burn your bridges, sooner or later you may want the opportunity to reach out.


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Eclectic_Stag 
Posted: 10-Nov-2003, 02:59 PM
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Do what you feel is right for you. Take care
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RavenWing 
Posted: 11-Nov-2003, 05:58 PM
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Well, I went to the funeral, and it was the most uncomfortable experience I have ever had. Only 3 people spoke to me, and the rest walked right by me like I wasn't even there.

After my father passed away, the only thing keeping me in contact with them was my grandma. I have no reason to try to keep in touch with people who do not want me around.


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Elspeth 
Posted: 11-Nov-2003, 06:59 PM
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Raven Wing,

I am sorry this was difficult for you. Families can be, well they can be beyond belief. As they say you don't choose your families, but you do choose your friends and I am confident you have many who care about you and will temper this pain.

Still in my thoughts,
Elspeth


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DOUBLE_VISION 
Posted: 12-Nov-2003, 03:46 PM
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Hi RavenWing. I believe all souls come together to "learn". Perhaps there is an "experience" here for you, even in this... "interactivity"...((((HUG))))


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tartangal 
Posted: 12-Nov-2003, 05:11 PM
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Ravenwing, I am so sorry for the pain that you have experienced both by the loss of your grandmother and also from your treatment by your relatives.
Your grandma was special in your life and that won't change. Your memories and feelingsfor her will always be with you.
As for your relatives,by your own admission,they made no effort to maintain contact, so please don't let their attitudes colour your vision of your self or affect your sense of self worth.You are worth so much more than that.
Sometimes people have difficulty with others grief and their way of dealing is to avoid the confrontation so maybe keep in mind that perhaps your relatives felt awkward over the distance that has already separated you and did not know how to close it.
Anyway, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


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Keltic 
Posted: 12-Nov-2003, 11:28 PM
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We have been going through the same thing with my wifes family. Two of our children have never met their grandfather which really saddens me. My wife and I have done all within our power to try to fix things to no avail. The saddest part is that we had nothing to do with the situation that caused the original blow-up. My in-laws religion classes my wife as an "apostate" and we are sure that this, in addition to my father-in-laws stubborness, is the reason that two of our children wonder why they don't see "opa" anymore and the other two don't know him at all.

In order for us to accept the situation, we made sure that we extended our hands and hearts on a number of occasions. We now know that there is little chance of a relationship in the future and we have made it be known that our door is always open but the door is not a revolving door. We delight and celebrate in what and who we have in our lives and try not to harp on what and who we don't.

Ultimately, Raven, we are all different and all of our situations are different. I have outlined our situation which may or may not be anywhere close to yours. You and only you know what is in your heart and the only way to be at peace is to do what you feel to be right. We look to friends for advice but the action taken is our own.


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RavenWing 
Posted: 13-Nov-2003, 09:08 AM
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Exactly. It is nice to have a place to get it out. I was overflowing with bitterness, and I have moved on somewhat.

Here is a little background on the family. My father passed away January 22, 2001. his twin brother passed away October 8, 2001. From what I understand he was never the same after dad died. My uncle's funeral was the last time I saw my grandma.

Some theories I have come up with on the silent treratment are:

1) they felt guilty for not keeping in touch after my dad died

2) They don't know how to react with me since my dad died

I am not certain, but I think my uncle's sons may have had the same problem.
Maybe I will never know, but I am going to try to be the better person and be open to them. My aunt was one of the ones that spoke to me, and in the past she was the closest one to me.

I know I have been so wrapped up in my own life and my own grief that I haven't stopped to think about them.








Well, if you have made it this far, thank you for putting up with my family drama. Please do not feel obligated to read all of this, it just helps me sort things out.
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barddas 
Posted: 13-Nov-2003, 09:54 AM
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Mary, I'm glad to hear that things are ok with you....

Keltic I'm sorry about your situation.. I hope it eventually smooths itself out....

seems like we can train our animals better than our relatives.. wink.gif


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Keltic 
Posted: 13-Nov-2003, 11:52 PM
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Thanks Barddas. I'm just glad that my parents are still alive so that the children do have grandparents to spoil them from time to time.

Ravenwing,

I am sure that most people have family dramas but we don't usually hear about them until one is put out into the open. We all of a sudden find out that we aren't alone.

QUOTE
Well, if you have made it this far, thank you for putting up with my family drama. Please do not feel obligated to read all of this, it just helps me sort things out.


You didn't force anyone to read your posts so go ahead and vent!!
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Richard Bercot 
Posted: 14-Nov-2003, 02:11 AM
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QUOTE (Keltic @ Nov 13 2003, 11:52 PM)
Ravenwing,

I am sure that most people have family dramas but we don't usually hear about them until one is put out into the open. We all of a sudden find out that we aren't alone.

Ravenwing,

I can tell you from my own experiences that it doesn't matter who or what someone in a Family or Friendship does, at some point someone is going to have hard feelings about something. Even though it may seem small to you, it can be enormous to them.

And I have to agree with Keltic in saying, go ahead and vent. Even though I do not know, except a couple, anyone here personally. I feel that there is some kind of Kinship here. And I am really surprised to see so many different people concerned about others on this site. It is kind of nice to see that there are others who do care.

Give it time Ravenwing and you too Keltic. Things are never too late no matter how bad they may seem now.

My best wishes to the both of you.
Richard


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RavenWing 
Posted: 14-Nov-2003, 10:19 AM
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Thanks everyone.
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