Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[capttrk1]

THANKS TO ALL I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH AND I AM ROLLING KEEP THEM COMMING

[shuggieduggie]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Dogshirt]

[Rindy]

LOL!!!

Slainte

[Perkeo]

[Robert Phoenix]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled

"You Can Be the Man of Your House".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "from now on,you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! you will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going
to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that
I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you
will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[blackcloud1129]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.. You really need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no
sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time)

[maisky]

Irish blessing:

May you always be in Kelly green,





or in her sister Sarah.

[blackcloud1129]

> Life's Rules
>
> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
>
> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
> content.
>
> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>
> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
> said, "Thyroid problem?"
>
> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
> up really fast.
>
> 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
>
> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
> with.
>
> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>
> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
>
> 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
> trade-in value.
>
> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes,
> make Bloody Marys.
>
> 13.. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
> you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
>
> 15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
>
> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
> I've stayed alive.
>
> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my
> plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>
> 18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
>
> 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
> lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling
> well?
>
> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
> you're on.
>
> 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
>
> 24.. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
> Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

[Robert Phoenix]

Subject: a little laugh

A gentleman rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there they were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of the car.

You know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well, the gentleman could NOT believe it . . . the other driver was a DWARF!

He stormed over to the truck, looked up at him and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, the gentleman looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started

[Annabelle]

I'd love to laugh but I had a terrible accident and I can't smile anymore!!!

[gtrplr]

It's not Celtic, and it's almost too true to be funny, but here 'tis:


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"



"Like I'm talking to a freakin' WALL."

[blackcloud1129]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who

was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor

had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door

at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this

familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long

hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the

predictable sarcastic remarks

as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered a nd was told that her

husband's client, James Wright,

had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,

she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband,

bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[blackcloud1129]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great.? You should go into town and kick up
your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."


(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

[blackcloud1129]

Let me 'spain things so you can understand.....

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected . I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never again saw the man nor his assistant, nor their money. Just monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.