Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Hey! This is a funny song for Camac to read. We were just talking over in the radio part that there will be a new station in CR called "Salty Dog," and Gordon Bok songs should be on there I was thinking. This is one of his:


OLD FAT BOAT (Mattapoisset Harbor Inventory)
(Gordon Bok)

So, here I am, man, all alone again,
Anchored away the hell and gone again.
Another mile from another town,
The wind Northeast n' the rain coming down.

Home is the sailor, home from the sea;
He's a home for the mildew, a friend to the flea.
I don't care, man, I'm happy.

I got an old fat boat, she's slow but handsome,
Hard in the chine and soft in the transom.
I love her well; she must love me,
But I think it's only for my money.

And I don't mind staying, and I don't mind going,
But I some damn tired of rowing.

No more tobacco, no more cheese;
I'm sprung in the back and lame in the knees.
It's a damned good thing I'm easy to please;
There ain't nothing in town on a Sunday.

I don't care, man, I'm happy.

I got an old fat boat, she's slow but handsome,
Hard in the chine and soft in the transom.
I love her well; she must love me,
But I think it's only for my money.

You know, I got milk and I got ice;
I got home-made bread, a little old, but nice.
Everybody puts their cooking hat on
When you tell 'em you're leaving in the morning.

And I don't mind stayin and I don't mind going
but I some damned tired of rowing

Oh, hey, you know I got coffee, I got tea,
I got the beans and the beans got me.

I got tuna fish, I got rum,
I got a two pound splinter in my thumb.
So I'll take my toddy and my vitamin C
And the radio for my company.
Oh, me. I got the hydrogen peroxide blues.

I don't care, man, I'm happy.

Well, mercy, mercy, I do declare,
If half the fun of going is getting there,
Mercy, Percy, you better start rowing,
'Cause the other half of getting there is going.

From the Gordon Bok CD from Folk-Legacy ""North Wind's Clearing""
which is a compilation of boat and water songs from earlier
Folk-Legacy LPs, come these words. BX
Copyright Folk-Legacy
@sailor @boat
filename[ OLDFATBT
BX
OCT98

stoirmeil


Good I like, I like.

stoirmeil;

Your post made me remember an incident about 20 odd year ago. The most prestigious yacht clubs in Canada is "The Royal Toronto Yacht Club" This place is so posh that it's on its own island in Toronto harbour and access is by water only. In fact you have to take the club boat to get there and they will not let you on board without a suit and tie. Any way we have a political cartoonist named Andy Donato and he applied for membership. After being checked and scrutinized they told him to bring his boat for an inspection etc. On the designated day here comes Andy, chugging across the harbour in an old beatup rustbucket of a harbour tug belching black exhaust, tires hanging from the gunwhales and a big rope bumper on the bow. Andys' application was rejected.

Camac.

PS. True story he wrote it up in the paper he worked for underneath a cartoon he had drawn.

Wicked Grandmas

Four old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in..

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are?" The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under
shorts & we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up
& down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily
yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!

Marriage or Prison?


A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

The Wafflehouse Wedding should give you a good laugh. Watch the video.

http://www.gwinnettdailypost.com/ftp/multi...publish_to_web/

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise & yelled over to the boy,

“Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in & visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed & added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

The boy replied, “Under the wagon!”.

Billy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Billy's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Billy stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Billy went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?' Granny looked deeply into Billy's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

FREE BEER!
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON
WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Blind Golfers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

"Whats with these guys", says the engineer. "We must have been waiting for over 25 minutes!!".

"I don't know" answers the doctor, "but I've never seen such ineptitude!!".

"Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Lets have a word with him, and find out who these guys are", says the priest, who then turns around and says "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us, they are rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. Thats a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play anytime free of charge!"

.... Silence...

"That's so sad" says the priest, "I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".

"Good idea", replies the doctor "And I am going to contact my Opthalmologist buddy and ask him if there's anything he can do for them."

"That's all well and good," says the engineer, "but why can't these guys just play at night?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

"How was dance class today, Melinda?"

"Oh, it was great, Daddy. In fact, two boys got into a fight over dancing with me!" Melinda said

"Oh?" said her father, his interest piqued.

Melinda continued "Yes! First Richard told John, 'You dance with her,' then John told Richard, 'No, YOU dance with her!'"


Slàinte,    

Patch    

A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's lying ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
door, asking: "Sir, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as man to
man?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sir, what I'm sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most diligant liars the
Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."

Bachelors & Cooking

Two bachelors are talking about cooking. "I got a cookbook once," says one. "But I could never do anything with it." "Were the recipes too hard?" asks the other. "No," he replies. "But each of the recipes began the same way - take a clean dish…"